5 reasons to kayak at Whitewater in Oglethorpe

1. When I showed up Tuesday at the park with my kayak, the superintendent looked at me as if I'd arrived with a spaceship. This leads me to believe it's not a hot spot among kayakers, which means loner kayakers like me can find some peace and quiet. Actually, I was the only person in any type of boat this day. Sweet.

2. I know the place. I grew up camping and fishing out there. My grandmother went to church there. I played on the playgrounds there as a kid. Even smooched with a few girls out there without any charges being pressed (as far as I know). I like exploring new places in my kayak, but there's something to be said for familiar territory, too. It's all about balance.

3. As the sign shown above at the boat ramp indicates, you're not gonna be bothered by personal watercraft and speeding boats. Nothing wrong with those. If I strike it rich, I'll have me a lake house somewhere with some of my own. But naturally beautiful and peaceful spots like this should be reasonably undisturbed. There are places to cut up and places to chill out and places to do both. If only everyone could tell them apart.

4. Because you don't have to worry about speeding watercraft, you can assume a more relaxed paddling approach, as evidenced by the photo below. You can even carry cell phones and digital cameras with you.

5. When you get through kayaking, you can eat at some of the best restaurants in Georgia in a 30-mile radius ... Troy's Snack Shack and Yoder's Deutsch Haus in Montezuma; Oglethorpe Barbecue Co. in Guess Where; The Pizza Place in Ellaville; Justin's Place in Butler; and The Station, Forsyth Bar & Grill, Pat's Place and Monroe's in Americus to name a few. Not to mention there's no better (or cheaper) way to fuel yourself for an excursion on the water than with a morning stop at Grover's Grits where their motto is stated on the sign outside: "Order what you want; eat what you get."

The $175 burger for idiots

The Wall Street Burger Shoppe of Manhattan is offering a hamburger that costs $175 and is topped with gold. It’s made of Kobe beef. It comes with black truffles, foie gras and Gruyere cheese in addition to gold flakes. You can read more about it here.

Idiots. And you wonder why the economy's going to hell in a handbasket. Wall Street is killing industries with ridiculous expectations. Why? So people can blow money on $175 burgers.

I'll bet anybody $175 that I can get a lot better burger (several actually, plus fries and a drink) with $5 at Troy's Snack Shack in Montezuma, Ga., than that Wall Street burger. If I were a millionaire (as a writer and journalist, slim chance of that happening), I'll still take Troy's over a pretentious Manhattan burger shoppe any day of the week. Just because you throw an unnecessary "e" at the end of your name doesn't make your food worth any more money.

Vacation, All I Never Wanted ...

My first vacation of the year was actually a rollover week that I couldn't manage to fit into 2007. We went to Gatlinburg, which I was less than thrilled about beforehand and hated much more when I got there. The town had no charm, was too crowded, with too much traffic, too many tourist traps and too many people offering you free this and that to get you to hear time-share sales pitches. If you took everything you don't like about Panama City and chilled it down to 20 degrees, you've got Gatlinburg.

Oh, and pancakes are a big deal up there. One pancake house much have had 150 people lined up outside in 12-degree temperatures one morning just waiting on tables to clear. It would have taken them hours to get their pancakes. We're talking about pancakes. It's just food people.

The only reason we went was because we thought Saylor would have a chance to see snow. He saw snow flurries that Saturday. Of course, that same day it snowed over 2 inches at Pine Mountain, just a half-hour from our house.

And we got one last chance to get ripped off in Gatlinburg as we got hold of some bad gasoline at a station before leaving town. Fortunately, that watered-down gas lasted all the way through the Great Smoky Mountains National Park and all the way home. Watered-down gas gets good mileage apparently, despite the funny noises.

Fortunately, I was able to continue my vacation writing at a cabin back home. I also got to eat at the world's greatest restaurant, Troy's Snack Shack, and the Mennonite restaurant outside Montezuma. And when I wasn't eating, I was writing. So, the part of the vacation in Georgia was OK. I have no urge to travel north of LaGrange ever again. Or anywhere cold.

I can't say that it was the most relaxing vacation ever. But Saylor thinks Gatlinburg with its tourist traps and many ways to spend money is the next best thing to Heaven. Here he is in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, which was beautiful.

Week in review 11

Honestly, I have no clue what's been going on outside my own little world because I've been on vacation for the past 10 days and eight nights or something like that. I'll assume that the rest of the world went something like this:

• A report came out that showed our economy is super strong and Republicans waved it around.
• A report came out that showed our economy is going to hell in a handbasket and Democrats waved it around.
• A lot of people were killed in God's name because of religious differences.
• A pro athlete who could live the rest of his life in the lap of luxury did something really stupid and put his future in jeopardy.
• Four gazillion people died in West Iran, uh, I mean Iraq, and some one blamed the "liberal" media for overlooking all the positive things that happened this week, such as when an RPG missed 12-year-old Habib by 4 inches while he was running to a beautiful, high-tech, brand new school that will be blown up next week.

Of course, I'm just assuming all that because I was on a round trip around the world, or at least around the little part of it that takes you from Columbus to Eufaula to Panama City to Valdosta to Eufaula again and back to Columbus. Not exactly "Following the Equator," but it'll do. So, here's the Week in Review as I actually experienced it:

• Gas is cheaper in Alabama, Florida and Valdosta than it is in Columbus. Certainly this is simply a product of "economic factors" we non-economic-minded morons can't understand ... such as price gouging and collusion.
• Alligators are attracted to red kayaks. And while most kayaks bop along around 4 mph, they can hit speeds of 35 mph when followed by a 10-foot-plus alligator.
• This kayaker falsely assumed that there is some current on the Chattahoochee River between Hatchechubee and Lakepoint near Eufaula. I was wrong. My calculations for the 2-hour, 16-mile trip were off by two and a half hours.
• I turned 37 in one of my favorite places on Earth. No, not Louie's Gutbuster Buffet. Panama City, Fla., where there's now a high-rise condo complex every 12 inches. But, soon, there also will be a Margaritaville at the new Pier Park. At least I think I turned 37. I know it had a 3 in it.
• The chic way to dispose of your cigarette at the beach is to flick it into the sand. With any luck, you can pollute the air, the land and if the sea comes in enough, the water too. The ultimate redneck triple-whammy. And you thought it was just people in Columbus and Phenix City who are too lazy to use an ashtray.
• People from such far-away lands as Michigan and Minnesota don't understand the whole sunscreen concept ... well, until Day 2 of their Florida vacations anyway.
• Overheard from my exasperated son at Wild Adventures when his dad stopped to talk to a deranged maintenance man: "Oh great! Dad's stopped to talk to a crazy person again!" His dad attracts these people like dog poop attracts flies.
• The portable DVD player is mankind's single greatest invention, something to which parents who take their kids on long trips can attest. Headphones that plug into these DVD players run a close second.
• A discovery: Floating over waves on an inner tube in 95-degree heat is cool. Changing a flat tire in 95-degree heat in Eufaula is hot.
• A discovery you're not allowed to tell my doctor about: Next to Troy's Snack Shack in Montezuma, Ga., the best burger in America can be found at Schooner's in Panama City Beach. But I must say the view of the open-air, beachside restaurant is far better than Troy's.