Bush on the economy

For the first time since his deer-in-the-headlights speech to the nation on the bailout, President Bush spoke Friday from the White House to reassure everybody that the economy will be just fine. He's been making such comments for at least three years, which is about how long the entire rest of the nation has known the economy is screwed. Official recession, depression, whatever? Who knows? But screwed? Everyone can see that. Well, almost everyone.

Here's a short clip of President Bush's statement from the White House on Friday:

No Child Left Untested rides again!

A report in today's Ledger-Enquirer by colleague Larry Gierer says that an estimated 40 percent of eighth-graders statewide and 56 percent in Muscogee County failed the CRCT. They must pass it before entering high school.

According to the story: Those students who didn't pass must attend summer sessions and retake the exam. Based on the preliminary results, the Muscogee County School District may have more than 1,000 students enroll in the eighth-grade CRCT Summer Acceleration Program, which will be June 9 through June 24. Students will receive instruction from 9 a.m. to noon. The eighth-grade reading tests will be on June 23, and math on the next day.

A lot of folks say we overtest because our kids are undereducated. I say our kids are undereducated because they're overtested. It's too bad the freedoms and flexibility my generation and previous generations enjoyed in schools are gone ... at least in public schools. Does anyone else find it ironic that grown folks so concerned about the state of today's education system are straying so far from the education system that made them such geniuses.

It's past time to drop President Bush's No Child Left Untested Act and get back to educating kids with common sense and not optical scanners.

CRCT time

Just a quick note to my 8-year-old son, Saylor, and all the other kids taking the CRCT today and through the next few days, a key component of President Bush's No Child Left Untested act:

Y'all just relax and don't stress out over these tests. It's merely the end-all, be-all of your elementary school lives and all that could happen if you perform poorly is that your teachers and principals could lose their jobs and starve to death, and your school could be taken over by the same government geniuses who invaded Iraq, managed Hurricane Katrina's aftermath and gave your economy away.

Have fun!

Week in review

• President Bush approves a $285 million package for Mongolia, the latest country to receive U.S. aid in exchange for committing to democratic reforms. In a related story, Chris Johnson applies for a democratic aid package after letting family vote on whether to have fried chicken or hamburgers for dinner.
• The Dalai Lama is formally installed as a professor at Atlanta's Emory University. The exiled Tibetan Buddhist spiritual leader, whose face is recognized around the world, now is the bearer of a faculty ID card. However, in a surprise move, the school announces that the Dalai Lama will be teaching introductory volleyball and sports appreciation.
• Author and radio host Garrison Keillor gets a restraining order against a Hawkinsville, Ga., woman he claims has sent him explicit e-mails, telephone calls and disturbing gifts, including a petrified alligator foot and dead beetles. I like Garrison Keillor, but it's obvious the guy just don't appreciate nice gifts.
• Civilian deaths are down for the second straight month, meaning the surge is working ... or Iraq's running low on civilians.
• China launches its first lunar probe. However, moments after the Long March 3-A rocket soars into outer space, it is recalled when it is revealed it's a piece of junk like everything else made in China.
• Despite the recall, the lunar probe reaches the moon. In a phone call to Earth, the man in the moon notes that the probe is uncomfortable.
• The United States puts renewed pressure on Cuba to push away from communism ... while continuing to gladly hand its jobs and economic future to communist China. But that's completely different, right?
• America, the nation that has raised gluttony from sin to glory, sees competitive eater Joey Chesnutt set a new record by downing 103 Krystal burgers in eight minutes in the Krystal Square Off in Chattanooga. Chesnutt wins $10,000, but immediately invests $9,900 of it in toilet paper.
• The number of vacant homes for sale rises in the third quarter, according to the government. The Census Bureau report puts the number of vacant homes for sale at 2.07 million in the period, up about 2 percent from the second quarter, and 7 percent above year ago levels. Of that number, approximately 2.06 million are in Columbus, Ga.

Week in review

• Iranian President Mahmoud I'vebeenjabbed speaks at the United Nations and (in a move criticized by American right-wingers who decry the lack of freedom in other countries) at Columbia University. President Bush also speaks to the U.N., but no translator was provided.
• In a House hearing, congressmen criticize sex and violence in hip-hop, but shies away from censorship. Rep. Lynn Westmoreland, R-Ga., refuses to the attend the hearing, saying that most "Congressional hearings are wack, and I'd rather get crunk on a budget bill."
• Nepal's mountaineering authorities are calling for a ban on nudity and attempts to set obscene records on Mount Everest. If naked people literally freezing their buns off on the world's tallest mountain are the worst things your country has to deal with, you're in pretty good shape.
• A Maiden, N.C., man who bought a smoker at an auction found what he thought was a piece of driftwood wrapped in paper inside. When he unwrapped it, he found a human leg, cut off 2 to 3 inches above the knee. The smoker had been sold at an auction of items left behind at a storage facility, so investigators contacted the mother and son who had rented the space where the smoker was found. The mother, Peg Steele, explained her son had his leg amputated after a plane crash and kept the leg following the surgery ‘‘for religious reasons’’ she doesn’t know much about. The new owner of the smoker was obviously upset, especially when his homemade honey barbecue sauce just didn't work with the leg.
• Matthew Hiasl Pan's fight to be declared a human in an Austrian court fails. Pan happens to be a chimpanzee, but the Vienna-based Association Against Animal Factories. Pan's argument went astray when he pooped on the judge's desk and began picking bugs out of his hair. Reached for comment, Judge Lance Ito of the O.J. Simpson murder trial simply shrugged and said, "And?"
• The Atlanta Falcons pick up their first victory of the season by beating the Houston Texans 26-16 before a thrilled crowd of 12 people at the Georgia Dome and dozens more watching at home on television.
• Amid the antics of the Falcons' DeAngelo Hall, the latest legal woes for Michael Vick and cheaters like the San Francisco Giants' Barry Bonds, baseball bid farewell to one of the classiest team players to ever take the field as the Houston Astros' Craig Biggio played his final game. And if your eyes didn't mist up seeing Biggio reduced to tears when messages from his kids were played on the giant screen in Houston, then you have absolutely no heart. Might want to compare that to Bonds' whatever reaction to playing his final home game as a San Francisco Giant.
• The world's major philosophers meet in Buenos Aries to re-examine the manta "What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger." It is revised to "What doesn't kill me only makes me bitter and more depressed." The philosophers add that "Behind every dark cloud is a lightning bolt just waiting to strike you in the butt."

Week in review

• Burger King announces an effort to make healthier kids meals. The new meals will come with only a toy and no Burger King food.
• Mitt Romney tells voters that his wife would make "a prettier first lady" than Bill Clinton. He goes on to say that his wife is also a better kisser than Bill Clinton.
• President Bush's report to Congress grades Iraq as showing satisfactory progress on nine of the 18 benchmarks set for the Iraqi government. Bush also notes that the term "satisfactory" doesn't necessarily mean satisfactory but "trending toward satisfactory." Kinda puts the whole depending on what your definition of "is" is issue in perspective.
• The title of the new Indiana Jones movie is revealed. "Indiana Jones and the Escape from the Oak Hill Nursing Home" is slated for release May 22, 2008.
• More than 190 anti-war protesters are arrested in Washington. While we haven't quite put forth the effort it takes to capture bin Laden, thank God we've still got the determination to go after those seeking peace.
• Three people who mixed vinegar with catfish bait and tried to sell it as heroin have been arrested. Authorities said the three also tried to sell fake LSD. It's part of America's effort to expand the misguided war on drugs also to those who are not selling drugs.
• In a related story, the Partnership for a Less Drugged Up America releases ads encouraging kids to "Just say no to fake drugs."
• Barry Bonds' record-breaking 756th home run ball is actioned off for $752,467, or enough to buy Bonds enough human growth hormone for a whole year!

Week in review 19

• Dumb Crook Alert: A Wilcox County, Ga., woman was arrested after she called local police to help ‘‘get her money back’’ after she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she purchased. Man, what's this world coming to when you can't even trust a good ol' South Georgia crack dealer?!
• President Bush's "brain", Karl Rove, resigns. Rove says he needed a bigger job than Bush's brain.
• Hall-of-Fame shortstop and New York Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto dies at 89. "Heaven must have needed a shortstop," says Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Don't worry, George, I'm sure if heaven needs a greedy pompous ass, they'll call you.
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets 14,762,971 points, meaning everyone with a 401K will have to pay $45 a month for the joy of being retired.
• A West Virginia man is suing McDonald's for $10 million after biting into a Quarter Pounder, only to find it had cheese, which he had requested not be on it because he is severely allergic to it. Of course, he didn't notice it had cheese because he waiting until he got home to eat it in a darkened room. At no time did he smell the cheese, nor check to make sure it had no cheese. Because, you know, it's not like a fast-food restaurant ever messed up an order or anything.
• In a related story, Chris Johnson files suit against newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus, noting that he is severely allergic to work.
• In a related related story, newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus file a countersuit against Chris Johnson, claiming "What work??"
• As usual, Princeton tops U.S. News & World Report's annual college rankings. Jim Bob Jenkins' Transmission School comes in at a surprising No. 5, just ahead a Essie Mae Banks' Hair-Cuttin' School.

Week in Review 15

• Millions upon millions of kids, teens and adults snatch up the seventh "Potter" book and read it at unpleasantly fast rates to make sure they read the ending before they hear it from someone else. As a result, absolutely no one enjoys the book.
• Spoiler alert: At the end of the book, Harry dies. Or lives. I read it so fast that I didn't catch every little detail.
• Las Vegas oddsmakers give a 1-in-2 chance that Harry dies in book 7.
• A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India. The monkey has directed all question to his lawyer, who is claiming temporary insanity in that his far-sighted client was going bananas over the release of the final "Harry Potter" book.
• President Bush orders changes in the way terror suspects are interrogated. From now on, suspects will be interrogated "Jeopardy" style. For example: Interrogator: In a cave on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Suspect: Where is bin Laden hiding?
• Canadian researchers say they have "solved" the game of checkers, developing a program that can never lose. The program is quickly delivered to all the checkers hot spots: Bill's Barber Shop in Steelwheel, Pa., and Magnolia Old Folks Home in Turnipville, Miss.
• Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards tries to regain his footing as a champion of the poor after it's revealed he gets $400 haircuts. Have you seen this guy's hair? I don't know if I want a guy who pays $400 for $5 haircuts handling our nation's budget.
• On the science and medicine front, Barry Bonds hit career home runs 752 and 753 this week and Dane Michael Rasmussen leads the Tour de France.
• Tammy Faye Messner, who helped fleece millions of PTL suckers out of their hard-earned money in the 1980s, dies at age 65. Revlon, Avon and Mary Kay Cosmetics all file for emergency bankruptcy protection.
• Doctors remove five polyps from President Bush's colon, proving that not all of his enemies can find safe refuge in a cave.

Week in review 14

• The Tour de Steroids got through its first week in France without anyone in America noticing. Also, the three people pictured here are not the Tour spectators they were alleged to be by cycling authorities. Turns out they were just trying to cross the road and wondering where the heck all those bicycles came from. On a sad note, the boy in the middle was stricken with steroid sickness after getting a whiff of the cyclists as they flew by.
• In yet another blow for infallibility, Pope Benedict announces that there is only one true Christian church and one true path to salvation: the Catholic Church. While disturbing to some Christians, others are delighted to know they can now take Sundays off.
• The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles will settle its clergy abuse cases for at least $600 million. Apparently the path to salvation is paved with legal settlements.
• The pope's comments are met with thousands of death threats and fears of riots and violence ... oops, wait, that was some other group he offended.
• The White House spends the week trying to lower expectations for the Iraq progress report. President Bush also says his policy in Iraq (whatever that might be) needs more time ... based on the history of Islamic militants, perhaps a few centuries.
• Satisfaction with the job Congress is doing has fallen to 24 percent, an 11-point drop since May and 9 points lower than President Bush's approval rating. Wow, and you thought lowering expectations for the Iraq report was difficult!
• Deeper in the poll results, it's found that satisfaction with Satan's job performance is at 38 percent, topping both President Bush and the Congress.
• A Fulton County erosion control inspector admitted on Monday that in exchange for $1,000 in cash and a $100 gift card to Red Lobster, he agreed to get rid of tickets he had issued to a contractor ... proving once again that Red Lobster's cheese biscuits are indeed laced with crack cocaine.
• Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam and Tony the Tiger were murdered this week, and authorities fear they may have a cereal killer on their hands.
• A government study shows the teen birth rate has dropped to a record low. Once again, teenage boys lead the way as not a single one gave birth.
• The NCAA punishes the University of Oklahoma for "failure to monitor" the employment of players and says the school must erase eight football victories from the 2005 season. Also, Oklahoma coaches will not be allowed to demand 110 percent effort from their players in 2007, only 92 percent.
• Cindy Sheehan brings her anti-Bush, anti-war protests to Fort Benning, inflaming the sensitivities in a military town where most folks consider free speech some sort of socialist invention.

Week in Review 13

• One-time "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken reportedly gets into an altercation with a female passenger on a flight to Tulsa Saturday. However, it turns out he was merely yelling at the mirror.
• NASA has agreed to pay $19 million for a Russian-built toilet system for the international space station. The space agency is now negotiating with France for a $1 million fuzzy seat cover.
• San Francisco science experiment Barry Bonds decides he won't compete in the All-Star Game's Home Run Derby. Because, really, why would the guy who's about to break the all-time home run record want to do something positive for the fans in San Francisco, the only fans who don't boo him ... though they should.
• President Bush commutes the prison sentence of convicted scapegoat Scooter Libby. Democrats cry foul and Republicans cringe, but right-wing talking heads note that in 1995, President Clinton tore the tag off a mattress and wasn't punished.
• Another report comes out that says Americans are amazingly fat. Many Americans see the report while eating Big Macs and french fries at McDonald's.
• In a related story, American Joey Chestnut inhales 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. It brings forth the greatest gush of American pride since man walked on the moon.
• Kidnapped BBC reporter Alan Johnston thanks Hamas for winning his freedom from al-Qaida-inspired militants after 16 weeks of solitary confinement in a dark room, an experience he said was "like being buried alive." Thank goodness for peace-loving, rational groups like Hamas.
• Little Billy Joe Turnipseed of Bibb City is charged with possessing dangerous illegal-in-Georgia fireworks that he purchased in Phenix City. Told by cops to stop using the fireworks before someone got hurt, he gave cops the finger. Police still don't know whose finger it is.
• Evidence that doctors are at the heart of a British terrorist plot has some doctors furious. They argue that any doctors killing people ought to do it the old-fashioned way ... with the help of HMOs and insurance companies.
• America's so-called first "YouTube Election" appears headed in the wrong direction when front-runner Hillary Clinton is supplanted at the top by four fraternity brothers firing bottle rockets from their butts.
• Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney, who rails against the "cesspool" of pornography, is being criticized by social conservatives who argue that he should have tried to halt hardcore hotel movie offerings during his near-decade on the Marriott board. Meanwhile, social liberals also complain, saying those movies are way too expensive.
• Security forces besieging a radical mosque in the Pakistani capital capture its top cleric -- Maulana Abdul "Uncle Milty" Aziz as he tries to sneak out in women's clothes.

Week in Review 12

• After a season of apparent policy slip-ups, Pope Benedict XVI announced Monday that he is shuffling top advisers and bringing in veteran diplomats closely identified with Vatican policy in Iraq and the Middle East. Among those whose duties were shuffled are God, who has been reassigned to a largely ceremonial role as Associate Assistant Vice President for the Development of Papal Input, and Jesus, who will work in the Vatican mail room.
• The bald eagle is taken off the endangered species list. The government, however, insists that the mildly receding hairline eagle remains on the protected list.
• Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and other world players seek a "unified response" to Darfur crisis at a conference in Paris. It is unclear whether this will replace the current "unified response" -- apathy.
• A 15-year-old boy in India who allegedly delivered a baby by Caesarean section in an attempt to set a world record as the youngest surgeon apparently fled as police prepared to arrest him on Tuesday. He gave police at the front door the slip when he left through a window.
• China's Xinhua News Agency says its legislature has approved a contract labor law aimed at improving workers' rights. On behalf of Americans everywhere, let's hope they now have the right not to make total crap that falls apart in three days.
• With parts of Alabama suffering from exceptional drought, Gov. Bob Riley declares June 30-July 7 as "Days of Prayer for Rain" as he wants Alabamians to pool their prayer power to cure the drought. This is the kind of practical leadership folks have been lacking since, oh, the Dark Ages.
• Researchers announce they will visit Michigan's Upper Peninsula next month to search for evidence of the legendary creature known as ''Bigfoot'' or ''Sasquatch.'' Michiganer Michael Moore agrees to film the search for a documentary, being that he's Sasquatch's closest human cousin and all.
• During a speech in Rhode Island, President Bush holds up Israel as a model for Iraq. Well, let's all hope that 60 years from now, like Israelis, Iraqis can live free in a state of perpetual fear of getting blown up.
• In a major blow against terrorism, British authorities thwart a plot to reassemble the Spice Girls.
• The Atlanta Hawks draft Al Horford and Acie Law in the 17th year of their rebuilding plan.
• In Senegal, First lady Laura Bush picks vegetables and hands out mosquito nets to emphasize that fighting AIDS in Africa also means tackling some of the continent's even more widespread afflictions: malnutrition and malaria. Unfortunately, Mrs. Bush's plans go awry when she is arrested for being an undocumented worker.

Week in Review 9

• Temporarily, Paris Hilton is released from jail and ordered to spend the remainder of her 45-day sentence under house arrest ... in her posh, 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home because she was refusing to eat or sleep in jail -- or as folks on the outside would term Paris' behavior, acting normal.
• To make room for Paris Hilton's return to jail, a crack-addicted prostitute known only as "Sparkle" from South-Central L.A. is transferred to Paris' posh Hollywood Hills home. Nearby residents express relief that they finally have a neighbor with a real job.
• Boxer Mike Tyson films a segment for a Bollywood musical production. Tyson expresses his wish to star in more Bollywood productions. I don't have a joke for this. Do I need one?
• U.S. scientists will lose much of their ability to monitor global warming from space, a confidential report to the White House warns. Told of the report, President Bush responds, "And what's the bad news?"
• The Sierra Club asks the federal government to ban the toxic chemicals nonylphenol ethoxylates that are found in some detergents. Scientists believe the chemicals can cause male fish to develop female characteristics. They make the conclusion after studying several male largemouth bass crying for no apparent reason.
• After a series of angry exchanges between the U.S. and Russia, President Bush tries to ease tension by stressing "Russia is not going to attack Europe." Bush is so confident of that fact that he wants to build a massive missile defense shield over the whole continent.
• The Space Shuttle Atlantis returns to space, and, naturally, NASA gets busy studying damage to the shuttle's thermal blanket that occurred during liftoff. Tired of being criticized for problems after every liftoff, NASA changes its policy of running the shuttle by Jiffy Lube to prepare for each mission.
• The Project for Excellence in Journalism shows Fox News spent less coverage time on Iraq and far more time on Anna Nicole Smith than its cable news rivals in the first three months of 2007. In all fairness, though, it's hard to tell which story was the bigger disaster.
• Rags to Riches becomes the first filly to win Belmont since 1905. She wins despite being late out of the gates because she was touching up her makeup when the starting bell rang.
• Turns out the 23 nuns of the Salesian Sisters of Mary Immaculate Province in San Antonio are big Spurs fans. They pin players' names on their habits and even pray for the Spurs to win. The Spurs have embraced the nuns and gave four of them seats for the opener of the NBA Finals against the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Spurs beat the Cavs, proving once and for all that when it comes to NBA teams, God does not like the King James Version.

Week in review 8

• A Gwinnett County, Ga., mother is taking her quest to keep Harry Potter books out of schools to federal court. Laura Mallory says the books promote witchcraft. (Oh, by the way, they promote reading, too. And since witchcraft isn't real, so what?) The Harry Potter books are chock full of superstition, magic and evil spirits, but actually are going to be taught soon in Muscogee County schools. No, wait, that's not Harry Potter? Oh, yeah, it's the other book full of superstition, magic and evil spirits ... the Bible.
• A 37-year-old woman suffering from an inoperable brain tumor wants to donate a kidney before she dies, and will choose the recipient from among three contestants on Dutch national television. The government says it cannot stop the broadcast. It's obvious the lady doesn't have a heart to give away.
• An auction of Jackson family memorabilia is held in Las Vegas. Most of the collection includes items that belonged to Michael Jackson, such as glittery suits, platinum records, autographed photos and a 12-year-old Guatemalan boy.
• Protests erupt in Venezuela after new-wave dictator Hugo Chavez shuts down a popular anti-Chavez TV station. Some protesters worry that Chavez is gaining too much power, but most are worried they'll be forced to watch horrible shows like "American Idol" or "Who Wants My Kidney?"
• Smoke blankets Columbus. However, authorities discover the smoke did not come from the forest fires on the Georgia-Florida line. The smoke is instead traced to Jimmy Earl Hornsnuckle of Upatoi who can't seem to shake his 12-pack-a-day habit.
• SHANGHAI, China -- China's leaders are trying to calm public concern over sharp price rises for pork, the country's staple meat, ordering local governments to ensure adequate supplies and help low-income families. Fortunately, a deal is worked out after 11-year-old Jamison Stone shoots Hogzilla II, also known as Monster Pig, in Alabama. Stone offers to give the 1,000-pound wild boar to China if China agrees to send America's economy and jobs back.
• Kobe Bryant asked to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers on Wednesday, a day after calling the team's front office ''a mess.'' He said there was nothing the Lakers could do to change his mind, saying he didn't see "how you can rebuild that trust. I just don't know how you can move forward in that type of situation.'' Hmm, maybe the team could rebuild that trust by buying him a big diamond ring.
• The United States and Iran finished in a virtual dead heat, and way down the list, in the Economist magazine's assessment of the peacefulness of 121 countries. The United States placed 96th and Iran came in 97th on the global index. Iraq was in last place, with Sudan and Israel just above. Topping the list are all the countries the United States hasn't tried to force democracy upon.
• SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A pair of wounded humpback whales that spent more than two weeks wandering up the Sacramento River appear to have slipped back into the sea., officials said Wednesday. President Bush hails the whales' turnaround as proof immigration reform is working.
• Peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who lost a son in the Iraq war, announces she's going to quit protesting the war due to the hatred she's gotten from America's peace-haters. And unlike President Bush, she knows a lost cause when she sees one.

Plains speak

When Jimmy Carter ran for re-election in 1980, I rooted for Ronald Reagan. It should be noted I was 10 and thought Iran was something I did after stealing a piece of bubble gum from the Suwanee Swifty. I probably only rooted for Reagan to aggravate my parents, both of whom supported Carter at the time.

And I still think Reagan was a good man, and I think he was the right president at the right time. However, as the years went on, I developed a lot more respect for Carter, who I think is probably one of the more honorable men to hold the Oval Office. I worked with his niece, Billy Carter's daughter, who is one of the nicest and smartest people I've ever worked with. And Mr. Jimmy is the only president I've actually met ... while we both played at a "celebrity" softball game in Plains. I didn't know who the guy in a plaid shirt and blue jeans was who was walking up to me from the side until he said, "Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter." The Braves were in the playoffs, and he was heading to the game later, so all we talked about was baseball. Fortunately, we didn't talk foreign policy, which seems to get the guy in trouble a lot.

I don't always agree with the guy. I don't think we should have boycotted the 1980 Summer Games. And I don't think we should tread as lightly with militant Muslims as he does. And I think he loves the limelight more than a good ol' Georgia boy should. He wanted that Nobel Peace Prize. I think a lot of the Carter Center's wonderful efforts over the years have been geared to winning that award, rather than the intrinsic value of the work itself.

But I will say this for the man: As bad as the Middle East is right now, it would be exponentially worse had Carter not brokered peace between Israel and Egypt. I remember watching Israeli prime minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian prime minister Anwar Sadat shake hands while sitting in my grandfather's lap. He was usually a bitter man, having lost both his legs in World War II, but he became emotional that day. Peace really meant something to him, and that day made an impression on me forever.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with Carter saying that President Bush's foreign policy has been the worst of any presidential administration in history. Really, why bother to state the obvious?

And, oh yeah, Carter talks like me, so he gets extra credit for that.

Week in Review 5

• During a campaign speech in Virginia, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama says of the recent Kansas tornado: "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died -- an entire town destroyed." Actually it was 12. An Obama spokesman says the senator later realized his gaffe and said: "My bad. Duh, there aren't even 10,000 people in Kansas. Man, I overstated that almost as much as people have overstated my qualifications to be president."
• Republican presidential contenders Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney are each forced to clarify their positions on abortion. Clarifies Romney: "I'd like to make it clear that I stand, steadfastly, firmly, wholeheartedly, 100 percent behind whichever position will get me elected." Responds Giuliani: "Yeah, what he said."
• Informed by his National Security Adviser that six men were arrested and charged with plotting to massacre U.S, soldiers at Fort Dix, President Bush responds, "Huh, huh, you said Dix."
• The United States files charges of conspiracy and providing support for terrorism Thursday against a Guantanamo detainee who worked as a driver for Osama bin Laden.
  Salim Ahmed Hamdan also faces additional charges of failing to yield the right of way at a dangerous intersection in Kabul in 2001.
• Congressional Democrats settle a major trade impasse with the Bush administration. The Democrats will get Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson in exchange for Rep. Sanford Bishop and a player to be named later.
• Paris Hilton is dethroned as the most spoiled brat in America when Roger Clemens rejoins the New York Yankees for $18 million under the condition that he doesn't have to be, like, part of the team or anything.
• BOSTON -- A fight in the balcony interrupts the opening night performance of the Boston Pops. In a statement, the symphony says that's the last time they'll have Lynyrd Skynyrd as their special guest.
• A study finds that many thin people are actually fat on the inside. "Being thin doesn't automatically mean you're not fat," said Dr. Jimmy Bell, a professor of molecular imaging at Imperial College, London. According to the data, people who maintain their weight through diet rather than exercise are likely to have major deposits of internal fat, even if they are otherwise slim. In a related study, Ashley Judd is found to be extremely ugly beneath her skin.
• FRAMINGHAM, Mass. -- Two female college students who bared their bellies at a Framingham State College lacrosse game couldn't stomach a front-page newspaper photo of their stunt and now are in trouble for swiping copies, campus officials said. They apparently felt the photo made them look fat, the paper's faculty adviser said. In a related story, Ledger-Enquirer columnist Chris Johnson sabotages Webcasts at http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/ in which he offered commentaries. "I thought the camera was supposed to add 5 pounds, not 30," he says.
• Atlanta's Bobby Cox ties Sparky Anderson for fourth place in career managerial victories when the Braves beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-1 on Friday night, Cox's 2,194th victory in the majors. Cardinals manager Tony La Russa is third on the list, but Cox is the all-time leader in times being caught in the dugout picking his nose on camera.

Week in review 4

• Asked his opinion on the fading secularization of Turkey, President Bush replies that it's none of his business because he prefers his deep-fried anyway.
• Humiliated by a video made and circulated by his daughter of him falling-down drunk, David Hasselhoff defends his actions by explaining that he just been forced to watch himself in several episodes of "Baywatch."
• Britney Spears returns to the stage at the House of Blues but is accused of lip-synching (What?! No way!). People are tipped off after seeing Britney's lips ... no, wait, that was another video.
• Despite lackluster reviews and the leaked ending that sees Mary Jane Watson accidentally extinguish our hero with a giant can of Raid, "Spider-Man 3" makes $57 kajillion in its first five minutes of release.
• Minutes into the Kentucky Derby, Brits are humiliated when a YouTube video surfaces shiowing a drunken Queen Elizabeth II rolling around drunk on the floor of her Churchill Downs suite with David Hasselhoff.
• On "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," Lindsay Lohan announces that she's planning a Vegas-to-Malibu party trip to celebrate her 21st birthday. The Department of Homeland Security puts the states of Nevada and California on full red alert.
• Folk singer and anti-war activist Joan Baez complains that she was not allowed to perform for recovering soldiers recently at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Officials say the wounded soldiers have been through enough pain.
• In the wake of President Bush's veto of a bill calling for withdrawal of troops from I raq to begin in October, Republicans and Democrats come up with a compromise bill: U.S. troops will begin withdrawing in the year 2048. By that time, there should be no Iraqis left, and with alternatives to fossil fuels, we'll be a lot less interested in the Middle East.

Week in review 2

• BUDAPEST, Hungary -- Five thousand bunnies blocked a highway Monday, tying up traffic after the truck that was carrying them collided with another vehicle and overturned, unconfirmed reports said. The other vehicle was an egg truck. The eggs were temporarily missing but later found painted in pastel colors and tucked away under roadside vegetation.
• DETROIT -- A cagey urban coyote that eluded authorities in a nearly hourlong foot chase through downtown Detroit is pregnant, according to the Michigan Humane Society. Since the announcement, Wile E. Coyote and Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, have stepped forward claiming to be the father.
• The Rev. Al Sharpton protests at the funeral of Hawaiian crooner Don Ho.
• BOSTON -- Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya wins the Boston Marathon. Cheruiyot, who also won in 2003, set the course record last year but finished in a slower, unofficial time of 2 hours, 14 minutes, 13 seconds. "When the lion is chasing the antelope, he doesn't look back. He has to eat," Cheruiyot said. "So when I run, I don't stare at my time." Officials say it's the last time Cheruiyot will be allowed to bring his lion to the race.
• SAN JOSE, Calif. — Taxpayers who couldn’t electronically file 11th-hour returns using Intuit Inc.’s TurboTax, ProSeries and other software won’t be penalized for delays caused by the company’s overtaxed servers, the IRS said. A record number of returns on Tuesday choked the company’s computers, leading to delays in customers receiving confirmation that their returns had been submitted successfully. Usually, it takes only a few minutes after hitting the submit button for TurboTax users to get a confirmation. By Tuesday evening, it was taking hours. While the IRS won't penalize taxpayers, it is requiring that the company change the name of the program from TurboTax to DaewooTax.
• Senators in the liberal state of Vermont vote to call for the impeachment of President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney. Resenting being called war hawks, Bush and Cheney order Vermont bombed off the map.
• Sanjaya Malakar is finally voted off "American Idol" despite having a higher approval rating than President Bush ... not to mention a better grip on foreign policy, economics and immigration control.
• Two diaries written by Anna Nicole Smith in the early 1990s failed to sell at an auction this weekend, but are now available for a minimum bid of $25,000 each, said an official at Heritage Auction Galleries of Dallas. The auction house is considering whether translating Smith's diaries into English will boost their value.
• The Atlanta Hawks finish out of the playoffs for the eighth straight season at 30-52, a whopping four more wins than last season for third-year head coach Mike Woodson, whom owners praised for carrying the team through injuries and finding new and unique ways to lose games.
• The horrific shootings of 32 people at Virginia Tech are blamed on gun control, lack of gun control, videogames, bullying, violent films, lack of prayer in schools, income disparity, intolerance of foreigners and Skittles. Hardly anyone blames the shootings, however, on Cho Seung-Hui, the shooter.

Week In Review 1

• President Bush went to America's southern border this week to promote his immigration reform plan. From now on, anyone trying to enter the United States must answer one question to prove they will be of value to the United States, its culture and its economy: "How's your curve ball?"
• A team of scientists in suburban Cleveland announces that global warming is getting worse and must be stopped immediately. The scientists make the announcement after digging themselves out of a 16-foot snowbank.
• In a week that saw the funeral of legendary Grambling football coach Eddie Robinson and the lead-up to the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's breaking the color barrier in baseball, black leaders around America made sure the public's attention was focused where it should be ... on a caustic white radio shock jock who looks like Frankenstein.
• DNA tests confirm photographer Larry Birkhead is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby, but the custody battle takes a twist when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopt the child.
• Not to be outdone, Madonna adopts Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern.
• President George W. Bush strongly condemns Thursday's attack on Iraq's parliament building, saying his message to the Iraqi government is: "We stand with you." He adds, "...well, not 'with you' with you, of course, but from a safe distance."
• Leaders of Japan and China meet in an attempt to foster better relations without forgetting their wartime past. They decide that the few people still alive who had anything to do with their warring history fight it out once and for all in a Bingo game at a Tokyo nursing home.
• From the AP: The famous Gerber Baby will change parents with Nestle announcing it will buy Gerber Products Co. for $5.5 billion, giving the world's biggest food and drink company the largest share of the global baby food market. Nestle then announces the arrival of tasty Strained Green Bean Crunch.
• All charges are dropped against three former Duke University lacrosse players who were accused of sexual assault by a stripper. DA Mike Nifong apologizes to the players and says he'll no longer try to prosecute innocent rich white kids when there are still plenty of innocent poor black kids to go around.
• After the charges are dismissed, the three players hold a press conference at which David Evans calls the stripper's rape accusations "fantastic lies." The so-called victim disputes Evans' claim, saying the lies were pretty good as far as lies go, but hardly fantastic.
• Protests continue in the Kyrgyz capital, with thousands of demonstrators camping in tents and vowing to stay until until Kyrgyzstan's president steps down or lets them use more vowels.
• The United States is holding off on imposing unilateral sanctions against Sudan so that negotiations can take place on Sudanese acceptance of deployment of U.N.-backed international peacekeepers for Darfur, a top administration official says. The two remaining refugees of the genocide agree that "there's no reason for the world to, you know, get in any kind of hurry or anything."
• Tens of thousands march in Baghdad to mark the fourth anniversary of Baghdad's fall, meaning the celebration of the fourth anniversary of "mission accomplished" is just around the corner.
• The Bush administration toughens its approach with China, filing two cases against China alleging unfair trade practices and imposing stiff penalty sanctions in a dispute involving Chinese government subsidies to paper manufacturers. Bush says if China doesn't change its ways real soon, the country won't be allowed to have ALL of America's manufacturing jobs. China apologizes and promised that if America keeps sending all its jobs there, they'll even try to make the instruction manuals for all the products make sense.
• Though the U.S. trade deficit with China is on pace to exceed last year's record of $232.5 billion, Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez says, "This talk about a trade war is way overblown." ... He later adds, "For it to be a trade war, there would have to be two countries involved, not just one."

Funny guy

Regardless of your political opinion of President Bush (as an independent in the middle, I disagree with some of his policies but refuse to believe he's the devil incarnate or as ill-intentioned as left-wingers like to believe), you've got to give the guy credit for his self-depricating humor at the last two White House Press & Broadcast Correspondents dinners. You can find this year's speech at various Web sites with online video.

It's still not as good as last year's in which he worked side-by-side with a Bush impressionist who represented the president's inner monologue, a far funnier performance than Stephen Colbert's, although I'm a fan of "The Colbert Report." You should be able to find last year's hilarious performance on You Tube.

I know he doesn't write his own material, but he still delivers it well, unlike most of his serious speeches. Maybe he'd be better with his own talk show than the presidency. Still, it's my view that a guy with a good sense of humor can't be that bad or stupid.