Mickey D's

My McDonald's career is over after one 1-hour shift. Man, you steal a few McNuggets and they just go all crazy on you. Like those people needed 10 McNuggets. Eight was plenty for them.

OK, so I was only behind the counter to encourage folks to donate to the Ronald McDonald House, and I'd say at least 4 out of 5 people did. I didn't check folks' W-2 forms, but I'd also venture to guess that the folks who had the least to give gave the most. And a large group of co-workers and my bosses came in and were quite generous, as well.

I hate when people beg me for money, so I appreciate everyone who let me beg them for money. Also, thanks to the staff at the downtown Columbus McDonalds at Veterans Parkway and 14th Street, especially the front counter gals like LaToya here who had to work around me for a while.

I also want to note that this puts me ahead of two co-workers -- nightlife diva Sonya Sorich and my boss Pork Chop, who were once turned down for jobs at Jack in the Box and Wendy's, respectively. I told Pork Chop she should have worn her hair in pigtails for that interview. I'd have done anything to hear the man say, "Sorry, Miss Chop, but you're just not Wendy's material. But, hey, there's always journalism."

French Fry-day

I knew someday it would come to this, though I didn't think it would happen so soon.

On Friday, July 11, I'll be pulling an 11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. shift at McDonald's, downtown at the corner of Veterans Parkway and 13th Street. They probably won't let me play with the fryer or anything, although I vow to steal a McNugget before the day is done.

Actually, it's "Celebrity Day" at McDonald's I'll be raising money (or trying to) for the Ronald McDonald House, a very worthwhile mission. The House provides a place for out-of-town families to stay when their children are hospitalized. This lets the families focus on what's important instead of the hassle and financial implications of dealing with hotels. In Columbus, the House also has a heck of a well-stocked kitchen where families can fix meals, although a slew of local volunteers come regularly to cook huge meals. I pull a volunteer shift at the front desk of the house every couple of weeks or so. You can learn more about the local Ronald McDonald House by clicking here.

So, drop by McDonald's on Friday, say hi, let us have a little spare change, and maybe I'll let you have a french fry or something.

Week in review 19

• Dumb Crook Alert: A Wilcox County, Ga., woman was arrested after she called local police to help ‘‘get her money back’’ after she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she purchased. Man, what's this world coming to when you can't even trust a good ol' South Georgia crack dealer?!
• President Bush's "brain", Karl Rove, resigns. Rove says he needed a bigger job than Bush's brain.
• Hall-of-Fame shortstop and New York Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto dies at 89. "Heaven must have needed a shortstop," says Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Don't worry, George, I'm sure if heaven needs a greedy pompous ass, they'll call you.
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets 14,762,971 points, meaning everyone with a 401K will have to pay $45 a month for the joy of being retired.
• A West Virginia man is suing McDonald's for $10 million after biting into a Quarter Pounder, only to find it had cheese, which he had requested not be on it because he is severely allergic to it. Of course, he didn't notice it had cheese because he waiting until he got home to eat it in a darkened room. At no time did he smell the cheese, nor check to make sure it had no cheese. Because, you know, it's not like a fast-food restaurant ever messed up an order or anything.
• In a related story, Chris Johnson files suit against newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus, noting that he is severely allergic to work.
• In a related related story, newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus file a countersuit against Chris Johnson, claiming "What work??"
• As usual, Princeton tops U.S. News & World Report's annual college rankings. Jim Bob Jenkins' Transmission School comes in at a surprising No. 5, just ahead a Essie Mae Banks' Hair-Cuttin' School.

Week in Review 13

• One-time "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken reportedly gets into an altercation with a female passenger on a flight to Tulsa Saturday. However, it turns out he was merely yelling at the mirror.
• NASA has agreed to pay $19 million for a Russian-built toilet system for the international space station. The space agency is now negotiating with France for a $1 million fuzzy seat cover.
• San Francisco science experiment Barry Bonds decides he won't compete in the All-Star Game's Home Run Derby. Because, really, why would the guy who's about to break the all-time home run record want to do something positive for the fans in San Francisco, the only fans who don't boo him ... though they should.
• President Bush commutes the prison sentence of convicted scapegoat Scooter Libby. Democrats cry foul and Republicans cringe, but right-wing talking heads note that in 1995, President Clinton tore the tag off a mattress and wasn't punished.
• Another report comes out that says Americans are amazingly fat. Many Americans see the report while eating Big Macs and french fries at McDonald's.
• In a related story, American Joey Chestnut inhales 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. It brings forth the greatest gush of American pride since man walked on the moon.
• Kidnapped BBC reporter Alan Johnston thanks Hamas for winning his freedom from al-Qaida-inspired militants after 16 weeks of solitary confinement in a dark room, an experience he said was "like being buried alive." Thank goodness for peace-loving, rational groups like Hamas.
• Little Billy Joe Turnipseed of Bibb City is charged with possessing dangerous illegal-in-Georgia fireworks that he purchased in Phenix City. Told by cops to stop using the fireworks before someone got hurt, he gave cops the finger. Police still don't know whose finger it is.
• Evidence that doctors are at the heart of a British terrorist plot has some doctors furious. They argue that any doctors killing people ought to do it the old-fashioned way ... with the help of HMOs and insurance companies.
• America's so-called first "YouTube Election" appears headed in the wrong direction when front-runner Hillary Clinton is supplanted at the top by four fraternity brothers firing bottle rockets from their butts.
• Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney, who rails against the "cesspool" of pornography, is being criticized by social conservatives who argue that he should have tried to halt hardcore hotel movie offerings during his near-decade on the Marriott board. Meanwhile, social liberals also complain, saying those movies are way too expensive.
• Security forces besieging a radical mosque in the Pakistani capital capture its top cleric -- Maulana Abdul "Uncle Milty" Aziz as he tries to sneak out in women's clothes.