Week In Review 1

• President Bush went to America's southern border this week to promote his immigration reform plan. From now on, anyone trying to enter the United States must answer one question to prove they will be of value to the United States, its culture and its economy: "How's your curve ball?"
• A team of scientists in suburban Cleveland announces that global warming is getting worse and must be stopped immediately. The scientists make the announcement after digging themselves out of a 16-foot snowbank.
• In a week that saw the funeral of legendary Grambling football coach Eddie Robinson and the lead-up to the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's breaking the color barrier in baseball, black leaders around America made sure the public's attention was focused where it should be ... on a caustic white radio shock jock who looks like Frankenstein.
• DNA tests confirm photographer Larry Birkhead is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby, but the custody battle takes a twist when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopt the child.
• Not to be outdone, Madonna adopts Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern.
• President George W. Bush strongly condemns Thursday's attack on Iraq's parliament building, saying his message to the Iraqi government is: "We stand with you." He adds, "...well, not 'with you' with you, of course, but from a safe distance."
• Leaders of Japan and China meet in an attempt to foster better relations without forgetting their wartime past. They decide that the few people still alive who had anything to do with their warring history fight it out once and for all in a Bingo game at a Tokyo nursing home.
• From the AP: The famous Gerber Baby will change parents with Nestle announcing it will buy Gerber Products Co. for $5.5 billion, giving the world's biggest food and drink company the largest share of the global baby food market. Nestle then announces the arrival of tasty Strained Green Bean Crunch.
• All charges are dropped against three former Duke University lacrosse players who were accused of sexual assault by a stripper. DA Mike Nifong apologizes to the players and says he'll no longer try to prosecute innocent rich white kids when there are still plenty of innocent poor black kids to go around.
• After the charges are dismissed, the three players hold a press conference at which David Evans calls the stripper's rape accusations "fantastic lies." The so-called victim disputes Evans' claim, saying the lies were pretty good as far as lies go, but hardly fantastic.
• Protests continue in the Kyrgyz capital, with thousands of demonstrators camping in tents and vowing to stay until until Kyrgyzstan's president steps down or lets them use more vowels.
• The United States is holding off on imposing unilateral sanctions against Sudan so that negotiations can take place on Sudanese acceptance of deployment of U.N.-backed international peacekeepers for Darfur, a top administration official says. The two remaining refugees of the genocide agree that "there's no reason for the world to, you know, get in any kind of hurry or anything."
• Tens of thousands march in Baghdad to mark the fourth anniversary of Baghdad's fall, meaning the celebration of the fourth anniversary of "mission accomplished" is just around the corner.
• The Bush administration toughens its approach with China, filing two cases against China alleging unfair trade practices and imposing stiff penalty sanctions in a dispute involving Chinese government subsidies to paper manufacturers. Bush says if China doesn't change its ways real soon, the country won't be allowed to have ALL of America's manufacturing jobs. China apologizes and promised that if America keeps sending all its jobs there, they'll even try to make the instruction manuals for all the products make sense.
• Though the U.S. trade deficit with China is on pace to exceed last year's record of $232.5 billion, Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez says, "This talk about a trade war is way overblown." ... He later adds, "For it to be a trade war, there would have to be two countries involved, not just one."