Week in review 11

Honestly, I have no clue what's been going on outside my own little world because I've been on vacation for the past 10 days and eight nights or something like that. I'll assume that the rest of the world went something like this:

• A report came out that showed our economy is super strong and Republicans waved it around.
• A report came out that showed our economy is going to hell in a handbasket and Democrats waved it around.
• A lot of people were killed in God's name because of religious differences.
• A pro athlete who could live the rest of his life in the lap of luxury did something really stupid and put his future in jeopardy.
• Four gazillion people died in West Iran, uh, I mean Iraq, and some one blamed the "liberal" media for overlooking all the positive things that happened this week, such as when an RPG missed 12-year-old Habib by 4 inches while he was running to a beautiful, high-tech, brand new school that will be blown up next week.

Of course, I'm just assuming all that because I was on a round trip around the world, or at least around the little part of it that takes you from Columbus to Eufaula to Panama City to Valdosta to Eufaula again and back to Columbus. Not exactly "Following the Equator," but it'll do. So, here's the Week in Review as I actually experienced it:

• Gas is cheaper in Alabama, Florida and Valdosta than it is in Columbus. Certainly this is simply a product of "economic factors" we non-economic-minded morons can't understand ... such as price gouging and collusion.
• Alligators are attracted to red kayaks. And while most kayaks bop along around 4 mph, they can hit speeds of 35 mph when followed by a 10-foot-plus alligator.
• This kayaker falsely assumed that there is some current on the Chattahoochee River between Hatchechubee and Lakepoint near Eufaula. I was wrong. My calculations for the 2-hour, 16-mile trip were off by two and a half hours.
• I turned 37 in one of my favorite places on Earth. No, not Louie's Gutbuster Buffet. Panama City, Fla., where there's now a high-rise condo complex every 12 inches. But, soon, there also will be a Margaritaville at the new Pier Park. At least I think I turned 37. I know it had a 3 in it.
• The chic way to dispose of your cigarette at the beach is to flick it into the sand. With any luck, you can pollute the air, the land and if the sea comes in enough, the water too. The ultimate redneck triple-whammy. And you thought it was just people in Columbus and Phenix City who are too lazy to use an ashtray.
• People from such far-away lands as Michigan and Minnesota don't understand the whole sunscreen concept ... well, until Day 2 of their Florida vacations anyway.
• Overheard from my exasperated son at Wild Adventures when his dad stopped to talk to a deranged maintenance man: "Oh great! Dad's stopped to talk to a crazy person again!" His dad attracts these people like dog poop attracts flies.
• The portable DVD player is mankind's single greatest invention, something to which parents who take their kids on long trips can attest. Headphones that plug into these DVD players run a close second.
• A discovery: Floating over waves on an inner tube in 95-degree heat is cool. Changing a flat tire in 95-degree heat in Eufaula is hot.
• A discovery you're not allowed to tell my doctor about: Next to Troy's Snack Shack in Montezuma, Ga., the best burger in America can be found at Schooner's in Panama City Beach. But I must say the view of the open-air, beachside restaurant is far better than Troy's.

Real country radio

I grew up a child of baby boomers, and that meant a lot of the music I listened to as a child was stuff like the Beatles, Elvis, the Everly Brothers and even Herman's Hermits. During my teens, I was into Prince, the Beastie Boys, Run-DMC, Keith Sweat and Cameo. It wasn't until college that I finally turned on to country music.

That was about the time Garth Brooks, Clint Black, Travis Tritt and Alan Jackson were beginning to get airplay. I loved Black's "Killin' Time," Brooks' "Much Too Young," Tritt's "Country Club" and Jackson's "Here in the Real World." But soon everybody was into country music, and country began to turn pop-ish and bland. It got to the point where I couldn't listen to mainstream, our-hands-are-tied corporate country radio anymore.

Meanwhile, with the help of digital radio, I began to go back in time and discover REAL country music. Merle Haggard. Hank Snow. Hank Williams. Johnny Cash. Johnny Paycheck. Waylon Jennings. I got the chance to see Haggard in concert at the ol' Silver Moon honky tonk outside Buena Vista. I've interviewed Charlie Daniels, a super nice, down-to-earth guy. I always wanted to interview Hank Jr. The closest I've gotten is to talk to old manager Merle Kilgore, who yelled at me for no reason: "Hank ain't doin' no interviews!" OK.

Problem is, you're rarely going to hear those old guys on corporate-controlled radio stations, whose push to bland-down radio is exactly what's driving interest in digital and satellite radio. I do like a few modern acts. I love Sugarland, mainly because I saw lead singer Jennifer Nettles pay her dues at such places at The Uptown Tap in downtown Columbus, and because she's not ashamed to have a little twang in her voice. I like Brad Paisley's "Alcohol," Craig Morgan's "Redneck Yacht Club," and Kenny Chesney's "Beer in Mexico."

Maybe that's why when I go to Eufaula, as I regularly do during the summer and you can read about in this coming Sunday's column, I always turn the radio dial to 95.5, WTVY out of Dothan, and leave it there. You can barely pick it up in Columbus. But if you go to their Web site, you can click a link and listen to them on the Internet.

Why would you want to? Because you may hear some bland new act like Rascal Flatts, but it might be followed by Haggard's "Mama Tried." Then forward for some Sugarland. Then back a little for early George Strait, maybe "The Fireman." Then way back to "Miller's Cave" by Hank Snow. Then some good recent Tritt stuff like "Modern-Day Bonnie and Clyde." In short, they get it. Their hands obviously aren't tied. Their DJ's sound like real human beings and not overly polished. They sound happy, too -- perhaps because they don't have to listen to Faith Hill, Rascal Flatts and Shania Twain all day.

Now if someone will just take Sunny 100's "all-80s weekend" one step further and make an "all-80s all the time" or even "all 70s and 80s all the time," I'll be happy. Somebody had to have the crazy idea to launch the first oldies station playing 50s and 60s music. Now they're all over the place. Yeah, the 70s and 80s probably are the new oldies, but what do you expect? I'm 36. Bring on the oldies ... and retirement!

Crawling pilgrims

Why on Earth does Eufaula schedule its annual pilgrimage for the same weekend when everyone's heading to the beach for spring break? Does a massive traffic jam add to the ambiance of the whole event?

Somehow folks dressed in plantation-era outfits standing on the front porches of those beautiful mansions and homes doesn't capture a bygone era when they're waving at a miles-long line of SUVs, trucks and cars. And 99.9 percent of these vehicles are packed with luggage, coolers and beach paraphernalia -- meaning they're not there for the pilgrimage. They're on their way to the beach and saw Eufaula as nothing more than a dot on the map big enough for a pee break or a 10-piece McNuggets to go.

I got caught up in the traffic jam this weekend, though I wasn't on the way to the beach, merely a retreat near Lake Eufaula. It took about one and a half hours to cover a six-mile stretch of 431 heading into the historic district. If I hadn't known a couple of backstreets in Eufaula, it would have taken two hours. I feel for the people whose five-hour drives to the beach turned into seven-hour drives to the beach.

People's cars were running hot. Some were breaking down. I had my seat reclined and would ease up a few inches every now and then. The tags were mostly from metro Atlanta, and judging from their expressions, I'd say Eufaula's lucky these frustrated drivers didn't burn down the historic district on their way through. They're not interested in a bygone era; they're more interested in a bypass era, and Eufuala's desperately in need of one.

Don't get me wrong. I love Eufaula. I go there several times a year. I'm sure I'll be on the lake this summer. I love old houses. I used to live in a 100-year-old house, which instead of a carport or garage had a place to park your horse and carriage. And the historic district is beautiful ... except when it's set against the backdrop of a traffic jam.

I'm sure the businesses along U.S. 431 aren't interested in a bypass. But I think the city would be better served with a bypass than with thousands of drivers cursing it for bottlenecking their trip and turning a leisurely drive into a nightmare. And even when it's not spring break or the pilgrimage, that busy 431 really takes away from the historic district's atmosphere.