Blawg Wild is coming back

It's 2011, I'm 40 years old, divorced, have moved from a 5-acre spread and 3,000-square-foot-foot home in the country to a tiny apartment in the historic district of Columbus, and I'm wondering what the heck my next step will be. Will I stay in the newspaper business? Will I have a novel published? Will those annoying alien abductions start up again?

Who knows?

So what better time to start blogging?

Starting next week, I'm bringing Blawg Wild back. Expect a good ol' boy spin on a few crazy things going on in the world, but now expect a lot more personal notes. 2010 was a humbling year, so I might as well let it all hang out for the world to see. I am who I am, and I'm no longer willing to apologize for myself or hide my feelings. I'm a pretty nice guy with some atypical views on politics, religion and life in general. It's kind of a midlife crisis without enough money for a sportscar.

Should be an interesting ride.

The Year in Preview

I don't know how many years I've been doing this, but my annual Year in Preview is now online ... in case you were wondering what all is gonna happen in 2009. You can read it here.

Han Shot First

Like a lot of folks of my advanced age, I grew up watching "Star Wars" movies and collecting the action figures (they're ACTION FIGURES, not dolls!) and playing with my Death Star and Land Speeder toys. But I'm not a "Star Wars" fanatic (with apologies to Cody back home), nor was I ever a Trekkie, referring to fans of that TV series where people explored outer space in their jammies.

Because I wasn't quite deep enough into the series, I never knew what the shirts "Han Shot First" meant in nerd world. And I dared not ask the few people who I knew would know out of fear it would turn into a very long discussion and not a simple explanation. Fortunately, my friend and co-worker Sonya Sorich, succinctly explained it to me briefly yesterday as I designed a newspaper page with her column about NerdaCon, which comes to Columbus State University on Friday and Saturday. I won't be there. If you've ever wondered what "Han Shot First" is referring to, here's a summary of the great controversy.

More fire photos

Be sure to go see the extensive stunning photo galley from the Ledger-Enquirer by clicking here.

Bibb Mill in flames

You certainly can't tell anything from the horrible cell phone picture I took from Second Avenue around 2 a.m., but the historic Bibb Mill was totally engulfed in flames as I was coming home from work after a very long, late shift at the newspaper. Things were exploding as I drove past. Definitely the biggest fire I've ever seen.

Update: REAL PHOTOS from my co-workers are now on the newspaper's Web site, where the story will be updated throughout the day and evening.

We can't help it if we're stinking rich

This just in from the Associated Press:

HOUSTON (AP) — Exxon Mobil Corp. reported second-quarter earnings of $11.68 billion Thursday, the biggest profit from operations ever by any U.S. corporation.

And thanks to our new high-tech wire service here at the newspaper that is so fast it actually delivers tomorrow's news today, here's this soon-to-be breaking news item from Friday:

HOUSTON (AP) — Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally and GM CEO Rick Wagoner were arrested Friday after hiding in shrubbery outside Exxon Mobil's corporate offices and then ambushing and beating the ever-loving crap out of Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson.

Yes, I know Obama's not a Muslim

Thought I'd share this e-mail exchange with a reader over my most recent column:

To: Johnson, Chris - Columbus
Subject: Senator Barack Obama is not a Muslim terrorist

While I'm sure the inherent humor in telling patent falsehoods about a man who stands a very good chance of being the next President of the United States of America is readily apparent to you, it has to this point eluded me. In your (admittedly facetiously-toned) article titled "Andy for President", you referred to John McCain as "a foul-mouthed dude with a bad temper" and Barack Obama as "a Muslim terrorist". While not putting names to either remark, the purpose is clear to even the casual reader.

The problem with these statements is that while McCain can, objectively, be foul-mouthed and possessive of a bad temper, to be a Muslim one must self-identify as such, something that Barack Obama denies. Indeed, if you were to ask Senator Obama what his religious affiliation was, he would respond that he is a Christian. Further, to be a terrorist is to be someone who spreads and uses fear, generally (though not always) in the form of violent action to further a set of goals, generally a political agenda that is not in keeping with the mainstream politics of the area. Barack Obama has never done this, has never been accused of this, and indeed there are no reasons to believe that he may have done so in the past or will do so in the future.

In the future, perhaps basic fact-checking, or a personal desire to avoid the pitfalls of yellow journalism in an otherwise humorous article would befit you. I recommend it highly.

Sincerely,
------
Columbus, GA

On Tue, Jul 29, 2008 at 9:43 PM, Johnson, Chris - Columbus wrote:
Thanks for the clarification, but I assure you it's sarcasm with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Any folks who actually believe Obama is a Muslim or terror conspirator are too stupid to vote. Granted, that's a high number. But I like to poke fun at the ignorant and feed them at the same time.
Thanks,
CJ


Chris,
The misconception is being spread broadly enough that it's getting hard to tell who's been sarcastic and who's being serious. I'm glad to hear that at least my hometown paper is safe. Take care.
- -------

Dear ------
Well, if there weren’t a misconception, there wouldn’t be much of a race. Obama would run away with it. You know, I once ran a farcical column that terrorists had created a bomb that didn’t explode but could knock out service to restaurants in Columbus, causing everyone here to starve to death because no one in this town seems to cook. Some folks believed it. I once had Satan take over my column for the week and explain that he wasn’t nearly as bad as he’s been made out to be and that a lot of stuff blamed on him over the years was not his fault. Some folks believed that, too. As for Obama, right-wingers will keep spreading that propaganda until, indeed, folks have heard it enough that they begin to believe there’s truth in it. I think they call it politics. For further clarification of my views on it, here was my blog reaction to the recent New Yorker cover.

http://blawgwild.blogspot.com/2008/07/kudos-to-new-yorker.html


Listen to Larry

Last week my former boss Larry Foley, the news editor here at the Ledger-Enquirer, called me aside to talk. This is something he does about once every, well, never. Larry may be the most private man in the entire newsroom. So I couldn't imagine what he had to say, but I couldn't have imagined anything much worse. He wrote a column for today's paper about what he told me. Here's the opening:

"You have cancer."

Those were the worst words I thought I would ever hear from the doctor exploring my prostate problems. But a week later, after X-ray bone scans and a CT scan at a hospital, he told me nine words that were much worse, terribly worse, and devastating: "Your cancer has spread. You have an incurable condition."

You can read Larry's entire column here, and if you're a man, pay attention. It's a powerful and an important column. Keep him in your thoughts. And, if nothing else, learn from him.

Photo of Larry Foley by Mike Haskey/Ledger-Enquirer

Happy retirements!

Three of my co-workers in the newsroom have headed out the door for early retirement this week — columnist Kaffie Sledge, writer Mick Walsh and copy editor Jerry Gibson, who have over 100 years of experience between them.

Jerry sits right behind me and Mick sits right in front of me. I'm about to have an awful lot of elbow room. They're three of the nicest folks you'll ever meet, and we'll be sending them off in style in about three weeks.

I work closest with Jerry because we're both in features. Jerry hardly ever misses a day of work and is a huge movie buff. He also has an understated sense of humor and is quick to join me in saying things to make my boss Pork Chop yell, "Inappropriate!"

There was a story about Jerry, Mick and Kaffie's retirements in today's Ledger-Enquirer. Part of it deals with when Jerry lost parts of all 10 fingers after being trapped atop a mountain in a freak snowstorm and saving the life of another man. You can read the story by clicking here.

Good luck, guys.

(Photo of Chuck Williams, Tony Adams and Jerry Gibson by Mike Haskey/Ledger-Enquirer)

Bet he couldn't dance

Total theft from Monday's Ledger-Enquirer in the "Looking Back" 50 years ago section, here's an item from the Columbus police blotter in 1958:

Police are looking for a person who is missing two left legs.

Officers said they found two artificial left legs Saturday night on the steps of an abandoned funeral home on Sixth Avenue and 23rd Street.

The owner, or owners, may claim the legs at police headquarters.

I'd keep you posted as developments warrant, but I have a feeling the case is just going in circles.

Spellcheck's not infallible

From the Associated Press: A computer spell-checker run amok christened several Pennsylvania high school students with new — and in some cases unflattering — last names.
Middletown Area High School’s yearbook listed Max Zupanovic as ‘‘Max Supernova,’’ Kathy Carbaugh as ‘‘Kathy Airbag’’ and Alessandra Ippolito as ‘‘Alexandria Impolite,’’ just to name a few.

Hey, accidents happen. Especially with spell-checkers. My name was once printed as "Christ" in my hometown paper. Still waiting for the lightning to strike.

Coming to my defense,sort of

There's an elderly blind man who calls my work phone before 7 a.m. almost every Sunday morning to comment on my column, praise me or criticize me. He goes to a special Web site to have the paper read to him. How that Web site even knows what some of my made-up words mean, I have no idea.

Anyway, he left me a long message about my latest column yesterday, concerning my upcoming pilgrimage to the Jimmy Buffett concert in Atlanta and how my boss, Pork Chop, is more excited than anybody because she knows I'll be in a good mood for a while. (You can credit the onset of summer for that, as well.) The message began with:

"I disagree with Pork Chop. I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're a bloomin' idiot."

Sucks when you really have no defense for that.

Ouch!

Did you see this story about the photographer who wandered into the javelin area at a track and had a javelin go through his leg? You've gotta see the photos and video. The guy had the presence of mind to take a photo as folks worked on his leg.

I've seen photographers hit with baseballs and basketballs and run over on the sidelines at football games. If you've never had the opportunity to walk the sidelines at a college or pro football game, you have no idea how fast and hard these guys are hitting. But being hit with a javelin, that's a first. You'd think that as a former Marine who had been in Afghanistan, the guy would have a better sense for danger.

The kid who threw the javelin, by the way, went on to win the state title in the event. Although, I'm not sure whether it was for distance or aim.

I'm taking my ball and going home

In the wake of negative publicity over the in-school suspension of a girl who wore green hair to school on St. Paddy's Day and the suspension of more than 20 kids for "slap fighting," Midland Middle School has stopped taking the newspaper. Guess you should leave it to a middle school to react like a 12-year-old amid negative publicity.

While the suspension for green hair was petty and deserves ridicule, the suspension of kids for slap fighting is warranted. However, don't equate the two and act like one leads to the other. It's apples and oranges. Almost makes you wonder if there was a slap fight going on while officials were bogged down chasing green-haired villains around.

Now THAT hurts

I've got a few regular stalkers who leave comments at the bottom of my column that's posted online. Usually, it's some highly intelligent comment such as "you suck" or "you're sooooo gay." But this week, these guys really hurt my feelings because they called me FAT. One said I must be 75 pounds overweight and the other said my waist size must be 44-46 inches. Ouch! By the way, I'm 187 pounds with a 32-inch waist. Oh, and I'm not gay. Whether I suck or not, well, that's debatable. Here's a fairly recent pic of me with my boss, Pork Chop, at the newsroom Christmas party. Click here to see the most recent column with the inane comments.

Week in review 19

• Dumb Crook Alert: A Wilcox County, Ga., woman was arrested after she called local police to help ‘‘get her money back’’ after she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she purchased. Man, what's this world coming to when you can't even trust a good ol' South Georgia crack dealer?!
• President Bush's "brain", Karl Rove, resigns. Rove says he needed a bigger job than Bush's brain.
• Hall-of-Fame shortstop and New York Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto dies at 89. "Heaven must have needed a shortstop," says Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Don't worry, George, I'm sure if heaven needs a greedy pompous ass, they'll call you.
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets 14,762,971 points, meaning everyone with a 401K will have to pay $45 a month for the joy of being retired.
• A West Virginia man is suing McDonald's for $10 million after biting into a Quarter Pounder, only to find it had cheese, which he had requested not be on it because he is severely allergic to it. Of course, he didn't notice it had cheese because he waiting until he got home to eat it in a darkened room. At no time did he smell the cheese, nor check to make sure it had no cheese. Because, you know, it's not like a fast-food restaurant ever messed up an order or anything.
• In a related story, Chris Johnson files suit against newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus, noting that he is severely allergic to work.
• In a related related story, newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus file a countersuit against Chris Johnson, claiming "What work??"
• As usual, Princeton tops U.S. News & World Report's annual college rankings. Jim Bob Jenkins' Transmission School comes in at a surprising No. 5, just ahead a Essie Mae Banks' Hair-Cuttin' School.

Good girl!

Some girls are prettier than others, but if you've been beaten with the ugly stick, never fear: You can still be a success.

Cheesebuger in Paradise

Boy did I commit a little mortal sin this weekend. No, nothing like that. Get your mind out of the gutter. In my Sunday column about newspaper songs, I had a major typo: "Cheesebuger in Paradise."

Yeah, I know, that Jimmy Buffett song has nothing to do with newspapers other than the terrible dietary habits of print journalists, so you'll have to read the column to see how it relates. Fortunately, that typo won't be found online ... I fixed that. Unfortunately, I can't fix the tens of thousands of Sunday papers with the typo. I've already gotten in trouble with the Margaritaville police once this year. Even though I'm not fond of this Buffett song, this screw-up could very well result in capital punishment.

Newspaper songs

Hey, in this Sunday's column in the Ledger-Enquirer, I'm going to write about some great newspaper songs, some obvious, some not so obvious. Although, unlike my colleague Brad Barnes, who's liable to throw some obscure bands at ya, I'm fairly mainstream outside of my religiously following Jimmy Buffett. So I'm sure you'll recognize all the songs I list, assuming you're over the age of 12. Allow me to go ahead and get one stuck in your head:

So while she lay there sleeping,

I read the paper in bed.

And in the personals column,

there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas,

And getting caught in the rain.

If you're not into yoga,

if you have half-a-brain.

If you like making love at midnight,

In the dunes of the cape.

I'm the lady you've looked for,

Write to me and escape."

Daddy's coming home!

For nearly 10 years, I worked until about midnight or 1 a.m. at the Ledger-Enquirer. I was on the news copy desk, which doesn't exactly lend itself to a good family life or much life at all outside of work without some creative scheduling. However, about a year and a half ago, I was fortunate enough to land a more normal schedule in the features department.

But last night I helped out a short-handed copy desk and realized how tough that can be on a parent. I managed to sneak out of the newsroom a little early and called to let the wife know I'd be home soon. In the background, I heard my 7-year-old son, Saylor, jumping up and down and yelling, "Daddy's coming home! Daddy's coming home!"

However, by the time I got there, the little fella had tuckered himself out waiting up for me and was asleep. I picked him up and carried him to his bed, kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him, and he could barely mutter, "Love you too," before conking out for good. Sure makes me appreciate the flexibility I've got now.

Because I've got a flexible schedule, I was able to pick him up from day care and get him to his baseball game tonight. He's the 12th best hitter on a 13-member team but managed a couple of "hits" tonight and wound up with the game ball, which pretty much made his year. He said "I'm gonna call everybody I know," and proceeded to do just that after the game. The ball now sits on the mantle in our living room.

Had I still been on the news copy desk, I reckon I'd have missed that, too. So, the next time you spot a typo somewhere in the paper -- something that could never, ever happen on your watch, I'm sure -- cut them some slack. The words in one daily newspaper are enough to make a novel or two out of. It's a wonder there aren't far more errors in such a rushed product. Imagine if Mark Twain handed a rough draft of "Huckleberry Finn" to his editors at 2 p.m. and the book had to be edited, proofed, run on the press, out the door and hitting people's doorsteps in about 14 hours. That's pretty much what putting together a newspaper is like.

Perfection is every editor's goal and every reader's expectation, but it's not realistic. Just remember that there are a lot of folks giving up an awful lot to get that paper to you every day. Think about it while you're reading your kid to sleep.