Week in review 18

• Everything ever made in China is recalled, leaving Americans naked and hungry, and with nothing to play with.
• Entertainer and entrepreneur Merv Griffin dies at 82, not long after reports surface that his life was in Jeopardy.
• The Republicans conduct a straw poll in Iowa. Preliminary results show Mitt Romney likes the bendy kinds, while Mike Huckabee likes pine.
• Temperatures hit triple digits across Georgia, proving yet again the genius of starting schools in early August.
• Sending a teacher into space backfires for NASA when a serious gash in Endeavour's thermal shield is discovered, and Barbara Morgan insists every astronaut is going to stay in orbit until one admits to making the gash in the shield.
• Two African fossils discovered by renowned paleontologist Maeve Leakey have thrown a monkey wrench into the concept of the human family tree. The fossils suggest that two of man's ancestors lived side by side -- instead of the long-running theory that one of those species evolved into the other, and that led to humans. However, scientists do note that while they lived side-by-side, they built a very large privacy fence between each other.
• Paris Hilton says that her famous-for-being-famous pal Nicole Richie will be the best mom ever. In addition, she'll also be the first mom to be outweighed by her newborn.
• Yet another study shows the "Baby Einstein" video series is worthless, and actually may delay language development in toddlers. Even worse, "Baby Einstein" viewers had terrible, terrible hair by age 7.
• In a related story, Nicole Richie says she'll still use the "Baby Einstein" series with her child, just as soon as she's through watching them all.

Week in Review 17

• The Atlanta Braves trade Jarrod Saltalamacchia and four minor leaguers to the Texas Rangers for first baseman Mark Teixeira and reliever Ron Mahay. Initially thought to be a trade to improve the Braves' chances for the postseason, it is instead revealed to be a cost-saving move in response to the rising expense of jersey letters.
• In other baseball news, America lets out a deafening yawn as Barry Bonds ties Hank Aaron with his 755th career home run. The syringe credited for the home run is immediately delivered to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.
• Two deep-diving Russian mini-submarines descend more than 2 miles under North Pole ice to stake a flag on the ocean floor, part of a quest to bolster Russian claims to much of the Arctic’s oil-and-mineral wealth. Unfortunately for the Russians, they had a huge NASCAR fan driving the sub. He planted a No. 8 flag on the ocean floor, meaning that all oil-and-mineral wealth there now belongs to Dale Earnhardt Jr.
• In more North Pole news, NASA announces it will send a spacecraft to the Martian north pole next month to study if the environment is favorable for primitive life. The three-legged Phoenix Mars Lander will be delivered by eight rocket-fueled flying reindeer.
• Iraq’s parliament adjourns for the whole month of August without passing a series of U.S.-backed draft laws designed to promote national unity and stem support for the Sunni-led insurgency ... or the Shiite-led insurgency ... or the al-Qaida in Iraq-led insurgency ... or the Baghdad Moose Lodge-led insurgency ... or any of the above insurgencies.
• The Iraqi parliament's most recent session was not without its successes, however. Well, one anyway. They voted to replace the Frito's Corn Chips with Tostitos Corn Chips in the parliament building's vending machine.
• At their annual convention to celebrate the Southern Christian Leadership Conference's 50th year, leaders will honor the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr., and the promise of Barack Obama, and they plan to honor and recognize Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, according to SCLC president Charles Steele. Because, really, what better way to invoke the nonviolent spirit of Martin Luther King than with images of mangled, beaten and electrocuted pit bulls?
• In a GOP presidential candidates' debate Sunday, abortion and war dominate the discussion. But only Rep. Ron Paul supports aborting the war.

Week in review 16

• Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen is kicked out of the race because of doping allegations, allowing Alberto Contador of Spain to take the win. That is, until test results show that every man in France who wears Speedos is on some sort of steroid, meaning Chester Guillaume, who runs a pedicab service in Paris is declared the new Tour de France champion.
• The U.S. Postal Service announces a new series of stamps honoring various superheroes from Marvel Comics. However, the plan goes awry when 12,000 envolopes bearing the stamp of Invisible Girl Sue Storm go missing.
• Allegations arise that some NASA astronauts have been drinking heavily before embarking upon space missions. Furthermore, a report shows that the massive fuel tank jettisoned each time the shuttle goes into orbit is actually full of gin, not fuel.
• A study shows using marijuana may increase the chance of becoming psychotic by up to 40 percent. The same study also shows using marijuana boosts the chances of buying an extra large bag of Doritos by 40 percent.
• Researchers discover that if your friends and family are fat, you probably will be too. In a related development, Chris Johnson adopts the Olsen twins and announces Calista Flockhart is his new best friend.
• When Oscar the cat curls up on a patient's bed and stays there, the staff knows it's time to call the family. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.
  The feline's accuracy has been observed in 25 cases at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, R.I. Or, it means that a lot of folks in the home are severely allergic to cats.
• Drew Carey is picked to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right" after Carey promises to have himself neutered.
• Lindsay Lohan's latest movie "I Know Who Killed Me" debuts in 9th place at the box office. I think everybody knows who's killing you, Lindsay.
• NBA Commissioner David Stern says he believes that the referee linked to gambling is "an isolated case." Also, the fan linked to actually watching the NBA on television last year is considered to be "an isolated case."
• Wall Street suffers its worst week in nearly four years when the middle class checks its wallets and realizes it has a grand total of $14. Coincidentally, all the wallets checked by the middle class were made in China.

Week in Review 13

• One-time "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken reportedly gets into an altercation with a female passenger on a flight to Tulsa Saturday. However, it turns out he was merely yelling at the mirror.
• NASA has agreed to pay $19 million for a Russian-built toilet system for the international space station. The space agency is now negotiating with France for a $1 million fuzzy seat cover.
• San Francisco science experiment Barry Bonds decides he won't compete in the All-Star Game's Home Run Derby. Because, really, why would the guy who's about to break the all-time home run record want to do something positive for the fans in San Francisco, the only fans who don't boo him ... though they should.
• President Bush commutes the prison sentence of convicted scapegoat Scooter Libby. Democrats cry foul and Republicans cringe, but right-wing talking heads note that in 1995, President Clinton tore the tag off a mattress and wasn't punished.
• Another report comes out that says Americans are amazingly fat. Many Americans see the report while eating Big Macs and french fries at McDonald's.
• In a related story, American Joey Chestnut inhales 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. It brings forth the greatest gush of American pride since man walked on the moon.
• Kidnapped BBC reporter Alan Johnston thanks Hamas for winning his freedom from al-Qaida-inspired militants after 16 weeks of solitary confinement in a dark room, an experience he said was "like being buried alive." Thank goodness for peace-loving, rational groups like Hamas.
• Little Billy Joe Turnipseed of Bibb City is charged with possessing dangerous illegal-in-Georgia fireworks that he purchased in Phenix City. Told by cops to stop using the fireworks before someone got hurt, he gave cops the finger. Police still don't know whose finger it is.
• Evidence that doctors are at the heart of a British terrorist plot has some doctors furious. They argue that any doctors killing people ought to do it the old-fashioned way ... with the help of HMOs and insurance companies.
• America's so-called first "YouTube Election" appears headed in the wrong direction when front-runner Hillary Clinton is supplanted at the top by four fraternity brothers firing bottle rockets from their butts.
• Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney, who rails against the "cesspool" of pornography, is being criticized by social conservatives who argue that he should have tried to halt hardcore hotel movie offerings during his near-decade on the Marriott board. Meanwhile, social liberals also complain, saying those movies are way too expensive.
• Security forces besieging a radical mosque in the Pakistani capital capture its top cleric -- Maulana Abdul "Uncle Milty" Aziz as he tries to sneak out in women's clothes.

Week in Review 10

A little early this week, but I've got a busy Friday, so nothing newsworthy is allowed to happen Friday ...

• NASCAR fan favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr., right, joins Hendrick Motorsports, where he'll be teammates with despised racer Jeff Gordon (despised because he's the sport's best and most literate driver). Junior's fans urge him to reconsider and get a more likable teammate, such as David Ragan, Carl Edwards or Satan.
• To repair the space shuttle's damaged thermal blanket, NASA blasts 84-year-old Edith Mae Mygrant and her sewing kit into orbit. Mrs. Mygrant says she can repair the shuttle's blanket and crochet some doilies for the International Space Station.
• Hamas violently wrestles control of the Palestinian government and security forces from Fatah and President Mahmoud Abbas. "The era of justice and Islamic rule has arrived," Hamas spokesman Islam Shahawan said. Boy, nothing's quite so reassuring as knowing "Islamic rule has arrived."
• The U.S. military reveals that it researched the possibility of using a bomb that would have employed hormones to turn opposing forces gay. The plan was dropped after it was tested on Iraq's Republican Guard, which then spontaneously put on a production of "Cats" that garnered rave reviews.
• Country singer Sammy Kershaw announces that he's running for lieutenant governor of Louisiana. Who better to restore dignity to Louisiana politics than someone who's biggest hit was "Queen of My Doublewide Trailer?"
• Twelve viewers tune in across America to watch the San Antonio Spurs sweep the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals. It's the lowest TV ratings for a major sports championship since a couple of weeks ago when the Anaheim Mighty Ducks won the NHL's Stanley Cup on the Home Shopping Network.
• Scientists believe they find the remains of a giant, birdlike dinosaur as tall as the formidable tyrannosaur in China, citing it as a major discovery in evolutionary science. They are forced to retract their statements, however, after realizing what they discovered was actually the result of a Yao Ming parasailing accident.
• A report shows shoppers at Wal-Mart stores are loading carts with merchandise -- flat-screen TVs, DVDs, six packs of beer -- and strolling out without paying. Employees also are helping themselves to goods. Analysts estimate losses due to shoplifting, employee theft, paperwork errors and supplier fraud could total more than $3 billion this year at the world's largest retailer. More amazing is that all the world's Wal-Marts put together could have $3 billion worth of anything.
• "The Sopranos" kind of ends its run on HBO.
  

Week in Review 9

• Temporarily, Paris Hilton is released from jail and ordered to spend the remainder of her 45-day sentence under house arrest ... in her posh, 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home because she was refusing to eat or sleep in jail -- or as folks on the outside would term Paris' behavior, acting normal.
• To make room for Paris Hilton's return to jail, a crack-addicted prostitute known only as "Sparkle" from South-Central L.A. is transferred to Paris' posh Hollywood Hills home. Nearby residents express relief that they finally have a neighbor with a real job.
• Boxer Mike Tyson films a segment for a Bollywood musical production. Tyson expresses his wish to star in more Bollywood productions. I don't have a joke for this. Do I need one?
• U.S. scientists will lose much of their ability to monitor global warming from space, a confidential report to the White House warns. Told of the report, President Bush responds, "And what's the bad news?"
• The Sierra Club asks the federal government to ban the toxic chemicals nonylphenol ethoxylates that are found in some detergents. Scientists believe the chemicals can cause male fish to develop female characteristics. They make the conclusion after studying several male largemouth bass crying for no apparent reason.
• After a series of angry exchanges between the U.S. and Russia, President Bush tries to ease tension by stressing "Russia is not going to attack Europe." Bush is so confident of that fact that he wants to build a massive missile defense shield over the whole continent.
• The Space Shuttle Atlantis returns to space, and, naturally, NASA gets busy studying damage to the shuttle's thermal blanket that occurred during liftoff. Tired of being criticized for problems after every liftoff, NASA changes its policy of running the shuttle by Jiffy Lube to prepare for each mission.
• The Project for Excellence in Journalism shows Fox News spent less coverage time on Iraq and far more time on Anna Nicole Smith than its cable news rivals in the first three months of 2007. In all fairness, though, it's hard to tell which story was the bigger disaster.
• Rags to Riches becomes the first filly to win Belmont since 1905. She wins despite being late out of the gates because she was touching up her makeup when the starting bell rang.
• Turns out the 23 nuns of the Salesian Sisters of Mary Immaculate Province in San Antonio are big Spurs fans. They pin players' names on their habits and even pray for the Spurs to win. The Spurs have embraced the nuns and gave four of them seats for the opener of the NBA Finals against the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Spurs beat the Cavs, proving once and for all that when it comes to NBA teams, God does not like the King James Version.

Week in Review 3

• WASHINGTON -- An Iraqi who was one of al-Qaida's most senior and experienced operatives, Abdul Hadi al-Iraqi, has been shipped to the Guantanamo Bay military prison for terror suspects, officials said Friday. This makes the 47,428,651st senior al-Qaida operative captured since the War on Terror began, meaning the only terrorists left are Osama bin Laden and some guy named Eddie.
• LONDON -- A mineral recently discovered in Serbia has the same composition as kryptonite -- the fictional substance that robs Superman of his powers -- the British Museum said Tuesday. Mineral expert Chris Stanley at the Natural History Museum said: "Towards the end of my research I searched the Web using the mineral's chemical formula, sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide, and was amazed to discover that same scientific name written on a case of rock containing kryptonite stolen by Lex Luthor from a museum in the film 'Superman Returns.'" Stanley then raced down the hall to help a friend who'd been bitten by a radioactive super-spider.
• After she and Laurie David confronted presidential adviser Karl Rove at the White House Correspondents dinner about global warming, singer Sheryl Crow said that people could help save the planet by using one square of toilet paper at a time. It's obvious Miss Crow has never eaten at a Mexican restaurant.
• Richard Gere tried to quell the storm over a public kiss on the cheek that he gave a Bollywood star at an AIDS awareness event, apologizing Friday for any offense. Gere's embrace and kiss of actress Shilpa Shetty sparked several noisy demonstrations by hard-line Hindu groups and a flurry of legal complaints, which ended with a judge in the northwestern city of Jaipur issuing an arrest warrant for the two stars for violating obscenity laws. Perhaps this explains why all the Indians handling American companies' customer service calls are so irritable.
• Funeral goers let out a collective gasp at Boris Yeltsin's funeral as the former Russian president rises from his casket after someone proposes a toast.
• Actor Alec Baldwin goes on "The View" to apologize for a recently leaked voice mail to his 11-year-old daughter in which he berated her for missing his phone call, swore and calles her a "rude, thoughtless little pig" for missing his call. Baldwin said he meant to call her a "rude, thoughtless little ferret," but got confused in his anger.
• WOODBURN, Ind. -- The adviser for the Woodlan Junior-Senior High School's student newspaper, The Tomahawk, has been placed on administrative leave and is expected to be fired after she didn't alert the principal that a student had written a column advocating tolerance for homosexuals and those "different from you." The principal sends a clear message that tolerance will not be tolerated.
• For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe." The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away. Because it's so close, NASA makes plans to visit the planet, but says it's gonna wait until gas prices go down a little.