- Under pressure from the FDA, the makers of Viagra, Levitra, Cialis and other ED drugs agree to label the possible side effect of sudden hearing loss. So, now, not only can men have sex whenever they want, but they don't have to talk afterward. The Man Club meets and unanimously votes these as the best drugs ever!
- Republican presidential hopefuls have their umpteenth debate with each trying to establish himself as the most conservative of the bunch. Mitt Romney wins the debate when he announces he doesn't even get naked to take a shower and anyone who does is a pervert.
- Solidifying his status as the king of white trash, Kid Rock is arrested after getting into a fight outside an Atlanta Waffle House in the wee hours of the morning.
- The World Bank announces the impact of recent turbulence in financial markets on developing countries has been limited ... due perhaps to the fact that the Third World is now worth an estimated 12 cents.
- A second-grader's drawing of a stick figure shooting a gun earns him a one-day school suspension.
Kyle Walker, 7, was suspended last week for violating Dennis Township Primary School's zero-tolerance policy on guns, the boy's mother, Shirley McDevitt, told The Press of Atlantic City. Lest you think this was an another overreaction by our paranoid authority figures, it should be noted that the stick figure has a history of mental problems and has been arrested several times.
- "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling tells a group of fans that Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay. She makes the announcement after Dumbledore is arrested for soliciting sex in a men's bathroom at the Minneapolis airport.
- Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, says he doesn't believe Dumbledore is gay, but says he's awfully cute and if he were the least bit gay, he'd go out with Dumbledore, Hogwarts and all.