Week in review 16

• Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen is kicked out of the race because of doping allegations, allowing Alberto Contador of Spain to take the win. That is, until test results show that every man in France who wears Speedos is on some sort of steroid, meaning Chester Guillaume, who runs a pedicab service in Paris is declared the new Tour de France champion.
• The U.S. Postal Service announces a new series of stamps honoring various superheroes from Marvel Comics. However, the plan goes awry when 12,000 envolopes bearing the stamp of Invisible Girl Sue Storm go missing.
• Allegations arise that some NASA astronauts have been drinking heavily before embarking upon space missions. Furthermore, a report shows that the massive fuel tank jettisoned each time the shuttle goes into orbit is actually full of gin, not fuel.
• A study shows using marijuana may increase the chance of becoming psychotic by up to 40 percent. The same study also shows using marijuana boosts the chances of buying an extra large bag of Doritos by 40 percent.
• Researchers discover that if your friends and family are fat, you probably will be too. In a related development, Chris Johnson adopts the Olsen twins and announces Calista Flockhart is his new best friend.
• When Oscar the cat curls up on a patient's bed and stays there, the staff knows it's time to call the family. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.
  The feline's accuracy has been observed in 25 cases at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, R.I. Or, it means that a lot of folks in the home are severely allergic to cats.
• Drew Carey is picked to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right" after Carey promises to have himself neutered.
• Lindsay Lohan's latest movie "I Know Who Killed Me" debuts in 9th place at the box office. I think everybody knows who's killing you, Lindsay.
• NBA Commissioner David Stern says he believes that the referee linked to gambling is "an isolated case." Also, the fan linked to actually watching the NBA on television last year is considered to be "an isolated case."
• Wall Street suffers its worst week in nearly four years when the middle class checks its wallets and realizes it has a grand total of $14. Coincidentally, all the wallets checked by the middle class were made in China.

Week in Review 10

A little early this week, but I've got a busy Friday, so nothing newsworthy is allowed to happen Friday ...

• NASCAR fan favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr., right, joins Hendrick Motorsports, where he'll be teammates with despised racer Jeff Gordon (despised because he's the sport's best and most literate driver). Junior's fans urge him to reconsider and get a more likable teammate, such as David Ragan, Carl Edwards or Satan.
• To repair the space shuttle's damaged thermal blanket, NASA blasts 84-year-old Edith Mae Mygrant and her sewing kit into orbit. Mrs. Mygrant says she can repair the shuttle's blanket and crochet some doilies for the International Space Station.
• Hamas violently wrestles control of the Palestinian government and security forces from Fatah and President Mahmoud Abbas. "The era of justice and Islamic rule has arrived," Hamas spokesman Islam Shahawan said. Boy, nothing's quite so reassuring as knowing "Islamic rule has arrived."
• The U.S. military reveals that it researched the possibility of using a bomb that would have employed hormones to turn opposing forces gay. The plan was dropped after it was tested on Iraq's Republican Guard, which then spontaneously put on a production of "Cats" that garnered rave reviews.
• Country singer Sammy Kershaw announces that he's running for lieutenant governor of Louisiana. Who better to restore dignity to Louisiana politics than someone who's biggest hit was "Queen of My Doublewide Trailer?"
• Twelve viewers tune in across America to watch the San Antonio Spurs sweep the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals. It's the lowest TV ratings for a major sports championship since a couple of weeks ago when the Anaheim Mighty Ducks won the NHL's Stanley Cup on the Home Shopping Network.
• Scientists believe they find the remains of a giant, birdlike dinosaur as tall as the formidable tyrannosaur in China, citing it as a major discovery in evolutionary science. They are forced to retract their statements, however, after realizing what they discovered was actually the result of a Yao Ming parasailing accident.
• A report shows shoppers at Wal-Mart stores are loading carts with merchandise -- flat-screen TVs, DVDs, six packs of beer -- and strolling out without paying. Employees also are helping themselves to goods. Analysts estimate losses due to shoplifting, employee theft, paperwork errors and supplier fraud could total more than $3 billion this year at the world's largest retailer. More amazing is that all the world's Wal-Marts put together could have $3 billion worth of anything.
• "The Sopranos" kind of ends its run on HBO.