Week in review 14

• The Tour de Steroids got through its first week in France without anyone in America noticing. Also, the three people pictured here are not the Tour spectators they were alleged to be by cycling authorities. Turns out they were just trying to cross the road and wondering where the heck all those bicycles came from. On a sad note, the boy in the middle was stricken with steroid sickness after getting a whiff of the cyclists as they flew by.
• In yet another blow for infallibility, Pope Benedict announces that there is only one true Christian church and one true path to salvation: the Catholic Church. While disturbing to some Christians, others are delighted to know they can now take Sundays off.
• The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles will settle its clergy abuse cases for at least $600 million. Apparently the path to salvation is paved with legal settlements.
• The pope's comments are met with thousands of death threats and fears of riots and violence ... oops, wait, that was some other group he offended.
• The White House spends the week trying to lower expectations for the Iraq progress report. President Bush also says his policy in Iraq (whatever that might be) needs more time ... based on the history of Islamic militants, perhaps a few centuries.
• Satisfaction with the job Congress is doing has fallen to 24 percent, an 11-point drop since May and 9 points lower than President Bush's approval rating. Wow, and you thought lowering expectations for the Iraq report was difficult!
• Deeper in the poll results, it's found that satisfaction with Satan's job performance is at 38 percent, topping both President Bush and the Congress.
• A Fulton County erosion control inspector admitted on Monday that in exchange for $1,000 in cash and a $100 gift card to Red Lobster, he agreed to get rid of tickets he had issued to a contractor ... proving once again that Red Lobster's cheese biscuits are indeed laced with crack cocaine.
• Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam and Tony the Tiger were murdered this week, and authorities fear they may have a cereal killer on their hands.
• A government study shows the teen birth rate has dropped to a record low. Once again, teenage boys lead the way as not a single one gave birth.
• The NCAA punishes the University of Oklahoma for "failure to monitor" the employment of players and says the school must erase eight football victories from the 2005 season. Also, Oklahoma coaches will not be allowed to demand 110 percent effort from their players in 2007, only 92 percent.
• Cindy Sheehan brings her anti-Bush, anti-war protests to Fort Benning, inflaming the sensitivities in a military town where most folks consider free speech some sort of socialist invention.

Week in review 8

• A Gwinnett County, Ga., mother is taking her quest to keep Harry Potter books out of schools to federal court. Laura Mallory says the books promote witchcraft. (Oh, by the way, they promote reading, too. And since witchcraft isn't real, so what?) The Harry Potter books are chock full of superstition, magic and evil spirits, but actually are going to be taught soon in Muscogee County schools. No, wait, that's not Harry Potter? Oh, yeah, it's the other book full of superstition, magic and evil spirits ... the Bible.
• A 37-year-old woman suffering from an inoperable brain tumor wants to donate a kidney before she dies, and will choose the recipient from among three contestants on Dutch national television. The government says it cannot stop the broadcast. It's obvious the lady doesn't have a heart to give away.
• An auction of Jackson family memorabilia is held in Las Vegas. Most of the collection includes items that belonged to Michael Jackson, such as glittery suits, platinum records, autographed photos and a 12-year-old Guatemalan boy.
• Protests erupt in Venezuela after new-wave dictator Hugo Chavez shuts down a popular anti-Chavez TV station. Some protesters worry that Chavez is gaining too much power, but most are worried they'll be forced to watch horrible shows like "American Idol" or "Who Wants My Kidney?"
• Smoke blankets Columbus. However, authorities discover the smoke did not come from the forest fires on the Georgia-Florida line. The smoke is instead traced to Jimmy Earl Hornsnuckle of Upatoi who can't seem to shake his 12-pack-a-day habit.
• SHANGHAI, China -- China's leaders are trying to calm public concern over sharp price rises for pork, the country's staple meat, ordering local governments to ensure adequate supplies and help low-income families. Fortunately, a deal is worked out after 11-year-old Jamison Stone shoots Hogzilla II, also known as Monster Pig, in Alabama. Stone offers to give the 1,000-pound wild boar to China if China agrees to send America's economy and jobs back.
• Kobe Bryant asked to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers on Wednesday, a day after calling the team's front office ''a mess.'' He said there was nothing the Lakers could do to change his mind, saying he didn't see "how you can rebuild that trust. I just don't know how you can move forward in that type of situation.'' Hmm, maybe the team could rebuild that trust by buying him a big diamond ring.
• The United States and Iran finished in a virtual dead heat, and way down the list, in the Economist magazine's assessment of the peacefulness of 121 countries. The United States placed 96th and Iran came in 97th on the global index. Iraq was in last place, with Sudan and Israel just above. Topping the list are all the countries the United States hasn't tried to force democracy upon.
• SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A pair of wounded humpback whales that spent more than two weeks wandering up the Sacramento River appear to have slipped back into the sea., officials said Wednesday. President Bush hails the whales' turnaround as proof immigration reform is working.
• Peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who lost a son in the Iraq war, announces she's going to quit protesting the war due to the hatred she's gotten from America's peace-haters. And unlike President Bush, she knows a lost cause when she sees one.