We can't help it if we're stinking rich

This just in from the Associated Press:

HOUSTON (AP) — Exxon Mobil Corp. reported second-quarter earnings of $11.68 billion Thursday, the biggest profit from operations ever by any U.S. corporation.

And thanks to our new high-tech wire service here at the newspaper that is so fast it actually delivers tomorrow's news today, here's this soon-to-be breaking news item from Friday:

HOUSTON (AP) — Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally and GM CEO Rick Wagoner were arrested Friday after hiding in shrubbery outside Exxon Mobil's corporate offices and then ambushing and beating the ever-loving crap out of Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson.

We're in the money!!

Good news! ... for the oil companies, anyway. The economic stimulus checks, also known as the Distract Everyone From Real Economic Problems Act (DEFREPA), begin going out today.

In case you didn't know, they're based on the last two digits of your Social Security number.

For direct deposit, if your last two numbers are 00 - 20, you'll get your money May 2. If your numbers end in 21 to 75, May 9 and 76 to 99 arrive May 16.

For those of you expecting paper checks in the mail, 00-09 should receive your check in the mail by May 16. The numbers 10-18 will receive their checks by May 23. The cycle continues and the next ten numbers will get their checks seven days later and so on.

If your Social Security number ends in 88-99, and you don't have direct deposit, you will be the last to see your money on July 11.

If you'd like to know just how much your check will be, click here for the official IRS information. You'll need your 2007 return handy.

Sad thing is, the reason we need these checks is because of our dependence on big oil, which continues to rack up record profits. Thankfully for Exxon-Mobil, this money will help you be able to keep you buying gas, thus keeping demand at high levels and prices rising, ensuring we'll hit the $4 mark sometime around Memorial Day. But I'll have you know that I'll be a rebel and my stimulus check won't go to more record profits for the oil companies. No, mine will go to MasterCard, addressing a whole ’nother economic crisis.