Week in review 21

• Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, resigns over the fallout from his June 11 arrest for allegedly soliciting gay sex in an airport restroom. The police report noted that he began getting the undercover officer's attention in the next stall by tapping his foot, which is apparently a signal that you want gay sex in a bathroom. Millions of American men (including this one) vow to never have a tune in their heads in the bathroom that could lead to inadvertent foot-tapping.
• According to the arrest report, in addition to the foot-tapping, Craig also put his foot on the foot of the officer in the next stall and waved his hand under the stall. Again, in a men's public restroom, this is an apparent request for sex. Then again, as my wife pointed out, in a women's restroom, it merely means your stall is out of toilet paper.
• Despite having pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges, Craig repeatedly claims his innocence and keeps insisting he is not gay -- an allegation that's followed him since the early 1980s. Indeed, most straight men have to keep announcing "I am not gay," you know, real straight guys like Clay Aiken, Ricky Martin, Liberace and Michael Jackson.
• A Viennese pathologist claims a physician inadvertently overdosed Beethoven with lead in a case of a cure that went wrong. What a shame, because that St. Bernard made some really cute movies.
• Dead "Queen of Mean" Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog, "Trouble," but not a cent to two of her grandchildren. Trouble, by the way, once bit one of the Helmsley housekeepers, proving that dogs indeed take on the personality of their owners.
• Mississippi, long plagued by rankings that put its educational system at or near the bottom of state rankings, can finally claim a spot at the top of rankings as it comes in No. 1 for the highest obesity rates in the nation. It becomes the first state with over 30 percent of its population "obese." Mississippi then announces its new state motto: "We may be dumb, but we're fat."
• Greece fires worsen when someone throws water on the nation instead of sand.
• At a press conference to announce his resignation from President Bush's Cabinet, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales can't recall whether or not he resigned. Told that the reason for the press conference was to announce his resignation, Gonzales replies, "No comment."
• "Comedian" Andy Dick allegedly makes inappropriate comments while on stage, gropes patrons, takes women into the men's room and urinates on the floor and on at least one person during a show at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio. All is forgiven when Dick explains that he wasn't trying to be funny; he was preparing to run for a congressional seat.

Week in review 8

• A Gwinnett County, Ga., mother is taking her quest to keep Harry Potter books out of schools to federal court. Laura Mallory says the books promote witchcraft. (Oh, by the way, they promote reading, too. And since witchcraft isn't real, so what?) The Harry Potter books are chock full of superstition, magic and evil spirits, but actually are going to be taught soon in Muscogee County schools. No, wait, that's not Harry Potter? Oh, yeah, it's the other book full of superstition, magic and evil spirits ... the Bible.
• A 37-year-old woman suffering from an inoperable brain tumor wants to donate a kidney before she dies, and will choose the recipient from among three contestants on Dutch national television. The government says it cannot stop the broadcast. It's obvious the lady doesn't have a heart to give away.
• An auction of Jackson family memorabilia is held in Las Vegas. Most of the collection includes items that belonged to Michael Jackson, such as glittery suits, platinum records, autographed photos and a 12-year-old Guatemalan boy.
• Protests erupt in Venezuela after new-wave dictator Hugo Chavez shuts down a popular anti-Chavez TV station. Some protesters worry that Chavez is gaining too much power, but most are worried they'll be forced to watch horrible shows like "American Idol" or "Who Wants My Kidney?"
• Smoke blankets Columbus. However, authorities discover the smoke did not come from the forest fires on the Georgia-Florida line. The smoke is instead traced to Jimmy Earl Hornsnuckle of Upatoi who can't seem to shake his 12-pack-a-day habit.
• SHANGHAI, China -- China's leaders are trying to calm public concern over sharp price rises for pork, the country's staple meat, ordering local governments to ensure adequate supplies and help low-income families. Fortunately, a deal is worked out after 11-year-old Jamison Stone shoots Hogzilla II, also known as Monster Pig, in Alabama. Stone offers to give the 1,000-pound wild boar to China if China agrees to send America's economy and jobs back.
• Kobe Bryant asked to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers on Wednesday, a day after calling the team's front office ''a mess.'' He said there was nothing the Lakers could do to change his mind, saying he didn't see "how you can rebuild that trust. I just don't know how you can move forward in that type of situation.'' Hmm, maybe the team could rebuild that trust by buying him a big diamond ring.
• The United States and Iran finished in a virtual dead heat, and way down the list, in the Economist magazine's assessment of the peacefulness of 121 countries. The United States placed 96th and Iran came in 97th on the global index. Iraq was in last place, with Sudan and Israel just above. Topping the list are all the countries the United States hasn't tried to force democracy upon.
• SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A pair of wounded humpback whales that spent more than two weeks wandering up the Sacramento River appear to have slipped back into the sea., officials said Wednesday. President Bush hails the whales' turnaround as proof immigration reform is working.
• Peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who lost a son in the Iraq war, announces she's going to quit protesting the war due to the hatred she's gotten from America's peace-haters. And unlike President Bush, she knows a lost cause when she sees one.