Week in review 4

• Asked his opinion on the fading secularization of Turkey, President Bush replies that it's none of his business because he prefers his deep-fried anyway.
• Humiliated by a video made and circulated by his daughter of him falling-down drunk, David Hasselhoff defends his actions by explaining that he just been forced to watch himself in several episodes of "Baywatch."
• Britney Spears returns to the stage at the House of Blues but is accused of lip-synching (What?! No way!). People are tipped off after seeing Britney's lips ... no, wait, that was another video.
• Despite lackluster reviews and the leaked ending that sees Mary Jane Watson accidentally extinguish our hero with a giant can of Raid, "Spider-Man 3" makes $57 kajillion in its first five minutes of release.
• Minutes into the Kentucky Derby, Brits are humiliated when a YouTube video surfaces shiowing a drunken Queen Elizabeth II rolling around drunk on the floor of her Churchill Downs suite with David Hasselhoff.
• On "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," Lindsay Lohan announces that she's planning a Vegas-to-Malibu party trip to celebrate her 21st birthday. The Department of Homeland Security puts the states of Nevada and California on full red alert.
• Folk singer and anti-war activist Joan Baez complains that she was not allowed to perform for recovering soldiers recently at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Officials say the wounded soldiers have been through enough pain.
• In the wake of President Bush's veto of a bill calling for withdrawal of troops from I raq to begin in October, Republicans and Democrats come up with a compromise bill: U.S. troops will begin withdrawing in the year 2048. By that time, there should be no Iraqis left, and with alternatives to fossil fuels, we'll be a lot less interested in the Middle East.