Week in Review 6

• Famous for being famous Paris Hilton has her sentenced reduced from 45 to 23 days for a probation violation, with jail officials giving her credit for good behavior (Paris Hilton?) and the fact that she actually showed up for her latest court date (impressive). She will be in a "special needs housing unit" with her special need being unwarranted attention. She will also be separated from the "general inmate population" in a move hailed by ... the "general inmate population."
• Abraham Lincoln might have survived being shot if today's medical technology had existed in 1865 -- that's what the annual University of Maryland School of Medicine conference determined this week. They also decided that if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his rear end every time he jumped.
• Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., jumps his motorcycle over a pool of sharks in what the White House decries as an obvious political stunt.
• Presidential candidates revealed their earnings and assets this week. Republican Rudy Giuliani reported $16.1 million in earned income over the past 16 months, while Democratic hopeful John Edwards and his wife reported $29.5 million in assets. Libertarian presidential contender Chris Johnson reported assets of $12.75 and a 15-percent-off coupon for Captain D's.
• Outspoken evangelist Jerry Falwell dies at age 73. Teletubby Tinky Winky, reached for comment during a Barbra Striesand concert, says "Ooooo, man say mean things."
• The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service considers creating a trust fund of up to $100 million for grizzly bear and gray wolf populations in parts of the Northern Rockies, but some express concern that the wolves will blow it all on whisky and women.
• In another brilliant move, Washington announces that the new U.S. Embassy in Baghdad -- set to open in September in what is now a war zone -- will be the world's largest at 104 acres and most expensive at $592 million ... because what the insurgents in Iraq need is a really, really big target.
• The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is expected to announce approval for Lybrel, an oral contraceptive that would end women's periods. New drugs are expected soon that would help them end their semicolons.