Week in Review 17

• The Atlanta Braves trade Jarrod Saltalamacchia and four minor leaguers to the Texas Rangers for first baseman Mark Teixeira and reliever Ron Mahay. Initially thought to be a trade to improve the Braves' chances for the postseason, it is instead revealed to be a cost-saving move in response to the rising expense of jersey letters.
• In other baseball news, America lets out a deafening yawn as Barry Bonds ties Hank Aaron with his 755th career home run. The syringe credited for the home run is immediately delivered to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.
• Two deep-diving Russian mini-submarines descend more than 2 miles under North Pole ice to stake a flag on the ocean floor, part of a quest to bolster Russian claims to much of the Arctic’s oil-and-mineral wealth. Unfortunately for the Russians, they had a huge NASCAR fan driving the sub. He planted a No. 8 flag on the ocean floor, meaning that all oil-and-mineral wealth there now belongs to Dale Earnhardt Jr.
• In more North Pole news, NASA announces it will send a spacecraft to the Martian north pole next month to study if the environment is favorable for primitive life. The three-legged Phoenix Mars Lander will be delivered by eight rocket-fueled flying reindeer.
• Iraq’s parliament adjourns for the whole month of August without passing a series of U.S.-backed draft laws designed to promote national unity and stem support for the Sunni-led insurgency ... or the Shiite-led insurgency ... or the al-Qaida in Iraq-led insurgency ... or the Baghdad Moose Lodge-led insurgency ... or any of the above insurgencies.
• The Iraqi parliament's most recent session was not without its successes, however. Well, one anyway. They voted to replace the Frito's Corn Chips with Tostitos Corn Chips in the parliament building's vending machine.
• At their annual convention to celebrate the Southern Christian Leadership Conference's 50th year, leaders will honor the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr., and the promise of Barack Obama, and they plan to honor and recognize Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, according to SCLC president Charles Steele. Because, really, what better way to invoke the nonviolent spirit of Martin Luther King than with images of mangled, beaten and electrocuted pit bulls?
• In a GOP presidential candidates' debate Sunday, abortion and war dominate the discussion. But only Rep. Ron Paul supports aborting the war.