Week in Review 15

• Millions upon millions of kids, teens and adults snatch up the seventh "Potter" book and read it at unpleasantly fast rates to make sure they read the ending before they hear it from someone else. As a result, absolutely no one enjoys the book.
• Spoiler alert: At the end of the book, Harry dies. Or lives. I read it so fast that I didn't catch every little detail.
• Las Vegas oddsmakers give a 1-in-2 chance that Harry dies in book 7.
• A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India. The monkey has directed all question to his lawyer, who is claiming temporary insanity in that his far-sighted client was going bananas over the release of the final "Harry Potter" book.
• President Bush orders changes in the way terror suspects are interrogated. From now on, suspects will be interrogated "Jeopardy" style. For example: Interrogator: In a cave on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Suspect: Where is bin Laden hiding?
• Canadian researchers say they have "solved" the game of checkers, developing a program that can never lose. The program is quickly delivered to all the checkers hot spots: Bill's Barber Shop in Steelwheel, Pa., and Magnolia Old Folks Home in Turnipville, Miss.
• Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards tries to regain his footing as a champion of the poor after it's revealed he gets $400 haircuts. Have you seen this guy's hair? I don't know if I want a guy who pays $400 for $5 haircuts handling our nation's budget.
• On the science and medicine front, Barry Bonds hit career home runs 752 and 753 this week and Dane Michael Rasmussen leads the Tour de France.
• Tammy Faye Messner, who helped fleece millions of PTL suckers out of their hard-earned money in the 1980s, dies at age 65. Revlon, Avon and Mary Kay Cosmetics all file for emergency bankruptcy protection.
• Doctors remove five polyps from President Bush's colon, proving that not all of his enemies can find safe refuge in a cave.

Week in Review 6

• Famous for being famous Paris Hilton has her sentenced reduced from 45 to 23 days for a probation violation, with jail officials giving her credit for good behavior (Paris Hilton?) and the fact that she actually showed up for her latest court date (impressive). She will be in a "special needs housing unit" with her special need being unwarranted attention. She will also be separated from the "general inmate population" in a move hailed by ... the "general inmate population."
• Abraham Lincoln might have survived being shot if today's medical technology had existed in 1865 -- that's what the annual University of Maryland School of Medicine conference determined this week. They also decided that if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his rear end every time he jumped.
• Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., jumps his motorcycle over a pool of sharks in what the White House decries as an obvious political stunt.
• Presidential candidates revealed their earnings and assets this week. Republican Rudy Giuliani reported $16.1 million in earned income over the past 16 months, while Democratic hopeful John Edwards and his wife reported $29.5 million in assets. Libertarian presidential contender Chris Johnson reported assets of $12.75 and a 15-percent-off coupon for Captain D's.
• Outspoken evangelist Jerry Falwell dies at age 73. Teletubby Tinky Winky, reached for comment during a Barbra Striesand concert, says "Ooooo, man say mean things."
• The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service considers creating a trust fund of up to $100 million for grizzly bear and gray wolf populations in parts of the Northern Rockies, but some express concern that the wolves will blow it all on whisky and women.
• In another brilliant move, Washington announces that the new U.S. Embassy in Baghdad -- set to open in September in what is now a war zone -- will be the world's largest at 104 acres and most expensive at $592 million ... because what the insurgents in Iraq need is a really, really big target.
• The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is expected to announce approval for Lybrel, an oral contraceptive that would end women's periods. New drugs are expected soon that would help them end their semicolons.