Week in Review 15

• Millions upon millions of kids, teens and adults snatch up the seventh "Potter" book and read it at unpleasantly fast rates to make sure they read the ending before they hear it from someone else. As a result, absolutely no one enjoys the book.
• Spoiler alert: At the end of the book, Harry dies. Or lives. I read it so fast that I didn't catch every little detail.
• Las Vegas oddsmakers give a 1-in-2 chance that Harry dies in book 7.
• A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India. The monkey has directed all question to his lawyer, who is claiming temporary insanity in that his far-sighted client was going bananas over the release of the final "Harry Potter" book.
• President Bush orders changes in the way terror suspects are interrogated. From now on, suspects will be interrogated "Jeopardy" style. For example: Interrogator: In a cave on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Suspect: Where is bin Laden hiding?
• Canadian researchers say they have "solved" the game of checkers, developing a program that can never lose. The program is quickly delivered to all the checkers hot spots: Bill's Barber Shop in Steelwheel, Pa., and Magnolia Old Folks Home in Turnipville, Miss.
• Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards tries to regain his footing as a champion of the poor after it's revealed he gets $400 haircuts. Have you seen this guy's hair? I don't know if I want a guy who pays $400 for $5 haircuts handling our nation's budget.
• On the science and medicine front, Barry Bonds hit career home runs 752 and 753 this week and Dane Michael Rasmussen leads the Tour de France.
• Tammy Faye Messner, who helped fleece millions of PTL suckers out of their hard-earned money in the 1980s, dies at age 65. Revlon, Avon and Mary Kay Cosmetics all file for emergency bankruptcy protection.
• Doctors remove five polyps from President Bush's colon, proving that not all of his enemies can find safe refuge in a cave.