Week in review 7

• ABC announces its fall lineup will include the sitcom "Cavemen," based on the cavemen from the Geico commercials, leaving Americans to ask the question they never thought they'd ask: "Whatever happened to good ol' reality TV?"
• The start of the Stanley Cup Finals is delayed when the Ottawa Senators can't get their puck out of a subcommittee.
• Gas prices soar over $3, meaning the poor, helpless oil companies who are merely at the mercy of world markets will likely suffer another quarter of record profits, much to their great dismay.
• The Internal Revenue Service does a poor job in identifying tax-exempt groups that may have links to terrorists, according to a report released Friday. However, researchers are relieved to find that the IRS has no problem whatsoever in tracking down hard-working members of the middle class over "questionable" $12 deductions.
• Ratings fall 19 percent over the previous year for the "American Idol" finale, in which Jordin Sparks (Who was Carl Weathers' stunt double in "Rocky II") won the title. This gives hope that America's long, national nightmare may soon be over.
• Florida moves up its primary to Jan. 29, bypassing other states who've moved up to Feb. 5. However, Florida is then trumped by Ohio, which decides to hold its primary five minutes from now.
• Dario Franchitti wins a rain-shortened Indy 500, the highlight of which was seeing his rain-soaked and barefoot wife Ashley Judd in the winner's circle. Driving about 40 mph on the final lap, Franchitti and the other drivers are passed on the final lap by 95-year-old Wanda Mae Perkins, who was on her way to the grocery store. Perkins is disqualified for making an obscene gesture at the slow Indy drivers.
• On a weekend traditionally reserved for marking the sacrifices of our nation's fallen military heroes, Americans unite to pray for two lost whales in the Sacramento River. Fortunately, the two whales are supplanted by "The View's" Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck as the two dumbest mammals on the planet.
• In a video posted on YouTube, Hillary Rodham Clinton asks viewers to pick her campaign theme song. Options range from U2's "Beautiful Day" to Smash Mouth's version of "I'm a Believer" to Celine Dion's "You and I." Tammy Wynette's "Stand by Your Man" is not an option.

Week in Review 5

• During a campaign speech in Virginia, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama says of the recent Kansas tornado: "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died -- an entire town destroyed." Actually it was 12. An Obama spokesman says the senator later realized his gaffe and said: "My bad. Duh, there aren't even 10,000 people in Kansas. Man, I overstated that almost as much as people have overstated my qualifications to be president."
• Republican presidential contenders Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney are each forced to clarify their positions on abortion. Clarifies Romney: "I'd like to make it clear that I stand, steadfastly, firmly, wholeheartedly, 100 percent behind whichever position will get me elected." Responds Giuliani: "Yeah, what he said."
• Informed by his National Security Adviser that six men were arrested and charged with plotting to massacre U.S, soldiers at Fort Dix, President Bush responds, "Huh, huh, you said Dix."
• The United States files charges of conspiracy and providing support for terrorism Thursday against a Guantanamo detainee who worked as a driver for Osama bin Laden.
  Salim Ahmed Hamdan also faces additional charges of failing to yield the right of way at a dangerous intersection in Kabul in 2001.
• Congressional Democrats settle a major trade impasse with the Bush administration. The Democrats will get Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson in exchange for Rep. Sanford Bishop and a player to be named later.
• Paris Hilton is dethroned as the most spoiled brat in America when Roger Clemens rejoins the New York Yankees for $18 million under the condition that he doesn't have to be, like, part of the team or anything.
• BOSTON -- A fight in the balcony interrupts the opening night performance of the Boston Pops. In a statement, the symphony says that's the last time they'll have Lynyrd Skynyrd as their special guest.
• A study finds that many thin people are actually fat on the inside. "Being thin doesn't automatically mean you're not fat," said Dr. Jimmy Bell, a professor of molecular imaging at Imperial College, London. According to the data, people who maintain their weight through diet rather than exercise are likely to have major deposits of internal fat, even if they are otherwise slim. In a related study, Ashley Judd is found to be extremely ugly beneath her skin.
• FRAMINGHAM, Mass. -- Two female college students who bared their bellies at a Framingham State College lacrosse game couldn't stomach a front-page newspaper photo of their stunt and now are in trouble for swiping copies, campus officials said. They apparently felt the photo made them look fat, the paper's faculty adviser said. In a related story, Ledger-Enquirer columnist Chris Johnson sabotages Webcasts at http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/ in which he offered commentaries. "I thought the camera was supposed to add 5 pounds, not 30," he says.
• Atlanta's Bobby Cox ties Sparky Anderson for fourth place in career managerial victories when the Braves beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-1 on Friday night, Cox's 2,194th victory in the majors. Cardinals manager Tony La Russa is third on the list, but Cox is the all-time leader in times being caught in the dugout picking his nose on camera.