Vigilantes

I really hope I don't accidentally kick a dent in the Mercedes whose the-world-revolves-around-me driver double-parks it in the parking garage near work. I hope somebody else does it besides me because there are cameras in there, and I don't wanna get busted. Usually, when somebody does this, I be sure to double-park my vehicle right beside them, so close that it's hard for them to even enter their vehicle. But I usually only do this when driving the wife's car in case Mr. Toogood Foryou retaliates.

I also want to make clear that I do not condone the following: When a driver tosses his cigarette butt out the window at a red light and you go retrieve it from the road and toss it back into their open window. I appreciate it, but I don't condone it.

I also do not condone playing Ernest Tubb songs at 200 decibels outside the home of the teenager who cruises by your house with his window-rattling stereo blasting inane rap songs.

All these things are very wrong. Really, don't do it. I mean it. Unless, you know, you get the urge or something.