This is your brain on ...

My colleague Jenny Chandler, with whom I've worked for over 10 years here in Columbus, looked at me strange yesterday as I was running proofs back and forth to production. People looking at me strange is hardly an unusual occurrence. But she said, "You always look like you've got something cooking in that head of yours."

Do you think this is her way of telling me my brain is fried?

Waaay-back Wednesday: Buffalo Burgers

Another one from the '90s:

I recently read that the federal government is buying millions of pounds of bison meat (that's buffalo to you uncultured folks) to use for making hamburgers in our nation's school cafeterias.

I knew buffalo were still roaming America because I've eaten their wings at several area restaurants. (It's no wonder those big ol' animals can't fly.) But I had no idea that schools were using real meat these days.

Maybe it was because I went to school in an area so poor (we all got free lunches) that we were served those meatless mushy soybean-fungus burgers. If they had used real meat when I was in high school, I wouldn't have ditched school lunch every other day to eat at a cheap back-alley burger joint in downtown Montezuma.

Even though I returned before the next class began, my principal warned me there would be repercussions for leaving the school grounds to go to Troy's Snack Shack (even though I had a permission slip). What were they going to do? Give me an F in lunch? Or — heaven forbid — put it on my permanent record?

(Editor's note: For more information, please refer to Chris Johnson's Permanent Record, now available online at www.fbi.gov. It's right after the part about his writing "Bocephus rules!" in his 10th-grade English book.)

I'd have probably had perfect attendance at lunch if I could have got a big ol' buffalo burger. But school lunch just didn't cut it.

I remember my first school lunch back in the first grade. I thought it was a pick-and-choose cafeteria deal like Piccadilly's or Morrison's. I was saying things like, "I'll have the mashed taters, please. No cole slaw, please. Is the fried chicken included in the Super Dilly?" But they just slapped whatever they felt like on my plate. Plop! Cole slaw.

I loved eating, but school lunches were too small in those pre-buffalo days. Who in the world eats one slice of pizza? I wanted the whole pizza and breadsticks. And they put gravy on everything. Gravy on mashed taters is great, but not on vanilla ice cream. And milk? Yuck! Who eats pizza and washes it down with milk? Everybody knows you serve beer with pizza.

Another school lunch problem is the seating arrangements. I never knew where to sit. They should have posted signs above each table such as Jocks, Nerds, Cool Kids, Geeks, Young Republicans or Metallica Fans. I could have walked to the correct table every time if I'd have seen a big, flashing sign that said: Boys With Ugly Cars And No Date For Friday Night.

I must confess, though, that I loved school lunch my freshman year. Our cafeteria burned down, and we had to eat in the school gym — even as the P.E. classes went on below us. It was fun to boo and laugh at the students and bet pickles on who'd win the basketball games. But it was dang near impossible to concentrate on eating a taco when Jenny Jerome was playing volleyball.

Week in review 21

• Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, resigns over the fallout from his June 11 arrest for allegedly soliciting gay sex in an airport restroom. The police report noted that he began getting the undercover officer's attention in the next stall by tapping his foot, which is apparently a signal that you want gay sex in a bathroom. Millions of American men (including this one) vow to never have a tune in their heads in the bathroom that could lead to inadvertent foot-tapping.
• According to the arrest report, in addition to the foot-tapping, Craig also put his foot on the foot of the officer in the next stall and waved his hand under the stall. Again, in a men's public restroom, this is an apparent request for sex. Then again, as my wife pointed out, in a women's restroom, it merely means your stall is out of toilet paper.
• Despite having pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges, Craig repeatedly claims his innocence and keeps insisting he is not gay -- an allegation that's followed him since the early 1980s. Indeed, most straight men have to keep announcing "I am not gay," you know, real straight guys like Clay Aiken, Ricky Martin, Liberace and Michael Jackson.
• A Viennese pathologist claims a physician inadvertently overdosed Beethoven with lead in a case of a cure that went wrong. What a shame, because that St. Bernard made some really cute movies.
• Dead "Queen of Mean" Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog, "Trouble," but not a cent to two of her grandchildren. Trouble, by the way, once bit one of the Helmsley housekeepers, proving that dogs indeed take on the personality of their owners.
• Mississippi, long plagued by rankings that put its educational system at or near the bottom of state rankings, can finally claim a spot at the top of rankings as it comes in No. 1 for the highest obesity rates in the nation. It becomes the first state with over 30 percent of its population "obese." Mississippi then announces its new state motto: "We may be dumb, but we're fat."
• Greece fires worsen when someone throws water on the nation instead of sand.
• At a press conference to announce his resignation from President Bush's Cabinet, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales can't recall whether or not he resigned. Told that the reason for the press conference was to announce his resignation, Gonzales replies, "No comment."
• "Comedian" Andy Dick allegedly makes inappropriate comments while on stage, gropes patrons, takes women into the men's room and urinates on the floor and on at least one person during a show at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio. All is forgiven when Dick explains that he wasn't trying to be funny; he was preparing to run for a congressional seat.

Waaay-back Wednesday: Adventures in Insomnia

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'll be posting old columns once a week for a while. Here's one from last millennium.

Adventures in insomnia

Lately, I've been suffering from insomnia. And I mean "lately" as in since I was about three and couldn't sleep because I was worried about what was gonna happen to Brer Rabbit in the next bedtime story.

And you normal people miss so many wonderful things by going to bed early at night. To illustrate what you're missing, here's a moment-by-moment account of my night on Thursday.

12:31 a.m. — Get home from work. Close garage door. Check for Boogey Man in storage room.

12:32 — Thank God there is no Boogey Man in storage room.

12:33 — Make supper: 12 stale saltine crackers, a jar of olives and meat in bowl found in bottom of refrigerator (Could be taco meat. Or maybe chili). Scrape green, fuzzy stuff off discovered meat.

12:38 — Put olive on ceiling fan blade. Cut on ceiling fan. Run around living room in circle. Catch olive in mouth. Bow to imaginary audience.

12:39 — Realize ceiling fan blades really need dusting.

12:45 — Pick up guitar and sing "Margaritaville."

12:47 — Tell sleepy wife when she stumbles into the living room, "No, I don't hear anything that sounds like a hound dog run over by a garbage truck."

12:48 — See what's on TV.

12:50 — Flip through those 63 channels one more time just in case I missed something important. Stop on MTV. Pray for future of universe.

12:57 — Cut on computer and check e-mail. Learn how to be my own boss and earn $1,000 a day selling state-of-the-art toothpicks from the comfort of my own home. Check fantasy baseball statistics, see that I have firm grip on last place. Check stocks and mutual funds, make alternate plans for retirement.

1:01 — Put in subliminal tape to help me sleep.

1:11 — Tell myself, "I am a strong woman." Realize this is wrong subliminal tape.

1:28 — Flex muscles in front of bathroom mirror. Ask reflection, "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"

1:55 — Deep thoughts: If Elvis really staged his death, why would he have done it by dying on the toilet?

2:18 — Notice frog hopping on patio. Wonder what would happen to a frog in a microwave.

2:30 — Finish cleaning microwave.

2:36 — Call telemarketer at home and tell her I've reconsidered. I would indeed like to know more about how I could save on all my long distance calls.

2:41 — Make note to self: Tell folks frog-in-microwave item was just a joke to avoid getting hate mail from angry amphibian lovers.

2:45 — Drive down street to home of teenie bopper with loud car stereo and one rap CD. Play Ernest Tubb song at 150 decibels.

2:56 — Enter Waffle House. Ask for nonsmoking section.

3:35 — Tell drunk man at Waffle House, "I'd really like to hear more about your alien abduction, but it's getting late."

3:42 — "Really, I must be going."

3:47 — "Look! It's E.T.!" Run like the wind.

4:15 — Crawl into bed. Warm cold feet on wife.

4:16 — Check in bathroom mirror to see if nose is broken.

4:17 — Strike Incredible Hulk pose again to see if muscles grew in last three hours.

Coming this Wednesday

It's waaaay back Wednesdays at Blawg Wild. Every Wednesday, check Blawg Wild for one of my newspaper columns from the waaaay-back machine.

Week In Review 20

Atlanta Falcons quarterback, or former quarterback, Michael Vick admits being part of a dogfighting ring. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Vick indefinitely and hits him several times in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Real estate magnate Leona Helmsley -- reviled by many as the "queen of mean" and who allegedly once said "only little people pay taxes" (infuriating Danny DeVito among others -- dies at age 87. The funeral is expected to draw several people, if only to make sure she's dead.

A new study shows Americans popping twice as many painkiller pills as they did in 1997. However, further studies reveal that the number's about the same when Rush Limbaugh is taken out of the equation.

West Virginia University tops the Princeton Review's annual list of the nation's top party schools. The surprise No. 2 is Little Critters Day Care, where they play a mean game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

Egyptian archaeologists have found what they said could be the oldest human footprint in history, about 2 million years old, in the country's western desert. Those who believe the Earth is only 5,000 years old are skeptical of the finding, especially because of the "Swoosh" in the middle of the footprint.

Dalton Carriker hits a home run in the bottom of the eighth inning to give Warner Robins, Ga., the Little League World Championship over Japan. Carriker said he said a little prayer before stepping into the batter's box for God to help him get a hit to help his team out ... proving once and for all that God hates 12-year-old Japanese kids.

NASA announces its plan for a temporary fix to stop potentially dangerous chunks of foam insulation and ice from breaking off the fuel tank during space shuttle liftoffs. NASA doesn't get into specifics, but acknowledges it involves somebody named Earl and 47 rolls of heat duct tape.

An Angel City wedding

I usually hate weddings. The formality. The pretentiousness. The stress. The uncomfortable clothes. The chick food. The non-alcoholic punch in the church reception hall. Somebody's Aunt Gladys pinching my cheeks. Yeah, those cheeks!

But I went to a wedding Saturday that was different from any I'd been to before, and not just because it was 145 degrees with 110 percent humidity. My cousin Shane got hitched in Angel City, a bikers' haven in Unadilla. It looks like a Wild West town, except that the horses can go 120 mph and rattle windows when they get riled up. The wedding party had rented out Angel City for the whole weekend. Angel City is usually open only for motorcycle rallies, which are becoming more frequent.

The groom and about 20 other bikers, including the biker preacher, came roaring up to the altar Saturday night to the tune of AC/DC's "Hell's Bells." (When was the last time a little old lady on the church organ pounded out that tune at a wedding?) And any preacher who'll officiate a wedding that includes the song "Hell's Bells" is cool with me. Of course, the bride, Pam, walked to the altar to the tune of Kenny G's "Songbird," which I kinda like too. Hey, I like rock, smooth jazz and rowdy country, among other things. My musical taste is as eclectic as was this wedding.

Poor Pam was the only one dressed in uncomfortable clothes for this wedding. Perhaps that's why she was prettier than the rest of us, not that she had a lot of competition from folks like me in my khaki shorts and golf shirt. I was overdressed.

Actually, other than the motorcycles, AC/DC, Port-o-Potties, motorcycles and kids running through the swinging doors of saloons, it was a pretty standard wedding. I chatted with a lot of folks during and after the wedding, and a lot of folks just came to witness the unique spectacle. Ain't that a switch! Most folks go to weddings out of obligation. A lot of folks at this wedding actually wanted to be there. What a concept! A fun wedding! Everybody loved it. And most noted how it seemed like a traditional wedding ... what with all the prayin', procession, ring bearin', the standard reception food, the first dance, the father-daughter dance, the mother-son dance.

But the best part, as with anything back home, is being with "my people." Small-town folks. Nobody putting on airs. Everybody glad to see everybody. No rude humans. And it's not just because Rule No. 8 in Angel City's town ordinances is "no attitudes." No one broke No. 2 "no fighting" and not even No. 4 "no nudity," although it was so hot it didn't seem like such a bad idea. I didn't want to give somebody's Aunt Gladys any ideas, though.

There was a lot of family I hadn't seen in a long time. Heck, I hadn't seen Shane in nearly 20 years, when we weren't too far from tramping around Ideal, Ga., playing "The Dukes of Hazzard." He was Bo, and I was Luke. I'd talked to the real Bo Duke, John Schneider, more recently than I had Shane. They've both turned out well.

There were a good many folks I didn't recognize, even after they introduced themselves with the always aggravating, "You remember me?"

"Uh, uh, er, I'm not sure," I respond, or something like that.

"Fred. Fred Jenkins," or something like that they respond.

"Oh yeah. I knew that. You were one of those Jenkinses."

"Yeah!"

But I knew most of the old friends, although it would have helped if I'd have had my high school yearbook with me. I chatted with Cleveland and asked how his daddy's breakfast operation was going. The last time I saw his dad, he told me "the only problem is sometimes we get the orders a little wrong, but I tell 'em you just eat whatever I put in the bag because whatever I put in that bag is good." I guess his daddy's embraced that style of service because Cleveland said he had a sign that read: "Order what you want, eat what you get." I don't know if you can operate very long like that in Columbus, but he's been in business a couple of decades now.

My wife was glad that I didn't bump into any of my old girlfriends. It seems like every time we've been to Macon County or Americus since 1990 or so, we'd bump into some old flame. That really wasn't that hard to do. I didn't date hardly anyone more than two weeks. It's not that I was a playboy. Far from it. Ladies, look at me: Would you go out on a second date with this guy? I didn't think so.

I introduced myself to Mary Ellen. I hadn't spoken to her since, well, ever. She was a smokin' hot senior cheerleader and I was a freshman dork nearly 20 years ago. I knew my limitations. (I don't now, but I did then.) Talking to her could have gotten me run out of Macon County High School. She said she remembered me. I almost choked on my cocktail weenie. Man, I bet she'd lie about other stuff, too. At least I'm not a freshman dork anymore. I'm a 37-year-old dork now, by golly.

I chatted with the preacher in the Angel City Saloon after the ceremony and asked him about the dichotomy of officiating a "Hell's Bells" motorcycle wedding. He asked me, "Where would Jesus be?" It wasn't a rhetorical question. He wanted an answer.

"Um, here?"

"Exactly." He had a good point. I just can't fathom Jesus in a three-piece suit. I don't recall any "Sermon in the Saloon" either, but I agree that Jesus would likely be out there with the "one-percenters." The biker preacher was a great guy, and it was nice to see a Christian who's not the least bit judgmental. He said he was saved in 1986 and the Lord told him to get off his bike. Ten years later, the Lord told him to get back on the bike and spread the Gospel.

I chatted with Wayne, the co-founder of Angel City. They've got a slew of musical acts coming, and hopefully sometime next year they'll have city sewer service and the Port-O-Potties can hit the road. He encouraged me to come back, whether I've got a motorcycle or not. Maybe I can borrow my co-worker Brad's scooter. You can find out more about Angel City here.

I know a lot of folks with sticks lodged in unfortunate places of the body who would have felt terribly out of place on Saturday night. I never really felt like I fit in back home, nor have I ever felt like I fit in anywhere. Guess that's the price of being an anti-social loner. But I know this: I was damn homesick when I left Unadilla (and then the Huddle House in Montezuma.) I guess my wife summed it up best:

"Why does it seem like everybody's so much happier when we go to small towns?"

Maybe small town folks have got it all figured out. One thing I've learned for certain over the years, the bigger things get, the stupider they get: Government, colleges, businesses, corporations, cities, Rosie O'Donnell. I reckon we've been out of the small town too long. Maybe we could shrink Columbus. It would be nice. Politicians and business leaders embrace "growth" at all costs, even under the guise of "smart growth" and other such oxymorons.

I also know that the bar has been raised for the next wedding I choose to attend or get dragged to. And to Shane and Pam, here's hoping the rest of your life together has as much style as your wedding night.

------------------------------------------------------

Note, here are a couple of shaky videos of the groom arriving for the ceremony and one of the happy couple (And check out the photos in the following post):

PHOTOS FROM THE ANGEL CITY WEDDING

Here are a few photos from Shane's wedding, mentioned in the above post ...

Angel City is in the Unadilla city limits, believe it or not

Shane and I, about an hour before he lost his freedom.

In case you were wondering, that drink in my hand has zero alcohol.

Aunt Clarice, Mom and the wife. The spots on the camera are from the misters. (It was hot.)

I told Uncle Gary, Shane's daddy, to act natural.



The stage is set.

The groom has arrived. The bearded man is the biker preacher.

You can't have a wedding without cute kids.

Here comes the bride, Pam.

It's not often you can watch a wedding from the vehicle that brought you there.

The bride's cake.

The groom's cake. I had a slice. It was good.

Keep your horses outside the saloon.

After the wedding: The wife, left, meets Laurie, my second grade classmate, and Mary Ellen, who was a senior cheerleader when I was a freshman. She finally talked to me Saturday. She said she remembered me. She may lie about other stuff too.

I think this little feller had enough wedding fun for one day.

Week in review 19

• Dumb Crook Alert: A Wilcox County, Ga., woman was arrested after she called local police to help ‘‘get her money back’’ after she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she purchased. Man, what's this world coming to when you can't even trust a good ol' South Georgia crack dealer?!
• President Bush's "brain", Karl Rove, resigns. Rove says he needed a bigger job than Bush's brain.
• Hall-of-Fame shortstop and New York Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto dies at 89. "Heaven must have needed a shortstop," says Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Don't worry, George, I'm sure if heaven needs a greedy pompous ass, they'll call you.
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets 14,762,971 points, meaning everyone with a 401K will have to pay $45 a month for the joy of being retired.
• A West Virginia man is suing McDonald's for $10 million after biting into a Quarter Pounder, only to find it had cheese, which he had requested not be on it because he is severely allergic to it. Of course, he didn't notice it had cheese because he waiting until he got home to eat it in a darkened room. At no time did he smell the cheese, nor check to make sure it had no cheese. Because, you know, it's not like a fast-food restaurant ever messed up an order or anything.
• In a related story, Chris Johnson files suit against newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus, noting that he is severely allergic to work.
• In a related related story, newspapers in Americus, Valdosta and Columbus file a countersuit against Chris Johnson, claiming "What work??"
• As usual, Princeton tops U.S. News & World Report's annual college rankings. Jim Bob Jenkins' Transmission School comes in at a surprising No. 5, just ahead a Essie Mae Banks' Hair-Cuttin' School.

I'm going to Angel City

No, that's not some euphemism for dying. Angel City is a Wild West-style motorcycle crazy town in Unadilla, Ga., not far from my hometown of Oglethorpe and my old stomping grounds of Americus. And, yes, I still hate the sounds of motorcycles. But this is their turf, and I'm OK with that. Rev 'em up and make all the noise you want guys and gals. Just don't do it by my house.

Why am I going? My cousin, Shane, is getting married ... or I guess I should say "hitched" since he's getting married in an Angel City saloon with music, drinking and dancing afterward. My wife's worried about dressing down for this event. She doesn't want to appear too casual. "It's a Dixon wedding," I told her. "Shane's wearing jeans, and his bride's rolling in on a Harley."

While my Dad's side of the family goes to church on Sunday mornings and has prim and proper wedding performed by preachers in churches, my Mom's side of the family sleeps in on Sunday until the Falcons game comes on and gets married in saloons and clubs where the brides enter on Harleys or in Corvettes.

I'll be sure to report on Saturday night's events. There are numerous events that happen in Angel City that draw thousands, but this shouldn't be a busy weekend there, so it should look nothing like the photo of Angel City above. Still, I'll be sure to post plenty of notes and photos and happenings from Angel City.

Saggy bottom boys

Columbus Council is currently considering whether to ban the act of "bustin' a sag" -- when young folks make a statement (I'm stooopid) by wearing their jeans waaaay below their waists. Let me say for the record I'm no fan of this style, although I think any thugs "bustin' a sag" who get busted by the cops for any crimes are gonna have a hard time running from the police. Also, I think it helps me identify the stupid. I know that I probably don't need to ask these fools any question more complicated than "Hot enuf for ya?" Keeps me from making a mistake such as asking them for directions.

However, I don't think men who wear sportscoats when it's 100 degrees have any right to decide how other folks ought to dress. You tell me which is more stupid -- showing your drawers or wearing a coat during the summer? I vote for the latter. Anyone who wears a coat, long pants and a constricting tie in the dog days of summer ain't got a whole lot of credibility with me. It sets a terrible example for youth. "It's 100 degrees, grab your coat! And wear this neck decorator, uh, I mean tie. Don't want that head falling off."

And really, do we need another unenforced ordinance on the books? You're already free to toss your cigarette butts on the street (sometimes right in front of police), play your stereo at window-rattling levels and rev your motorcycle as loud as it takes for you to get the attention you so crave and then ride it 110 mph without repercussion.

Good girl!

Some girls are prettier than others, but if you've been beaten with the ugly stick, never fear: You can still be a success.

Week in review 18

• Everything ever made in China is recalled, leaving Americans naked and hungry, and with nothing to play with.
• Entertainer and entrepreneur Merv Griffin dies at 82, not long after reports surface that his life was in Jeopardy.
• The Republicans conduct a straw poll in Iowa. Preliminary results show Mitt Romney likes the bendy kinds, while Mike Huckabee likes pine.
• Temperatures hit triple digits across Georgia, proving yet again the genius of starting schools in early August.
• Sending a teacher into space backfires for NASA when a serious gash in Endeavour's thermal shield is discovered, and Barbara Morgan insists every astronaut is going to stay in orbit until one admits to making the gash in the shield.
• Two African fossils discovered by renowned paleontologist Maeve Leakey have thrown a monkey wrench into the concept of the human family tree. The fossils suggest that two of man's ancestors lived side by side -- instead of the long-running theory that one of those species evolved into the other, and that led to humans. However, scientists do note that while they lived side-by-side, they built a very large privacy fence between each other.
• Paris Hilton says that her famous-for-being-famous pal Nicole Richie will be the best mom ever. In addition, she'll also be the first mom to be outweighed by her newborn.
• Yet another study shows the "Baby Einstein" video series is worthless, and actually may delay language development in toddlers. Even worse, "Baby Einstein" viewers had terrible, terrible hair by age 7.
• In a related story, Nicole Richie says she'll still use the "Baby Einstein" series with her child, just as soon as she's through watching them all.

Bear beats gnats

I live a couple of miles above the Fall Line, so gnats don't bother me at home a lot these days. They still haven't figured out how to fly over the Line. However, I still spend a lot of time below the Fall Line, or "Gnat Line" as folks in South Georgia.

But I thought I'd pass along sure-fire tip No. 347 for how to keep gnats from bothering you: Put a Snuggle dryer sheet under your cap. My Dad tried this recently and swears it works like a charm. Then again, this is the same man who once told me I'd use algebra every day of my life, so he might lie about other stuff, too. I don't know whether this supposedly works with other brands, but I say stick to Snuggle. Not only will you be gnat-free, but you'll seem a lot more cuddly.

Bashing Bonds

So Barry Bonds has finally passed one of my heroes, Hank Aaron, as Major League Baseball's home run king. There are about 150 million people bashing the cheater in America right now, but one voice definitely stands out to me: Dale Murphy.

In case you don't know the guy, he's the two-time National League MVP who carried the Atlanta Braves through the 1980s. Beyond the 398 career home runs and MVPs, the man deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Not only is he one of the classiest guys to ever play the game, but imagine what the Braves would have been like without Murphy in the 1980s. It's a shame that Barry Bonds will probably enter the Hall of Fame before Murph (although I'm certain the Veterans Committee will put Murph in Cooperstown, even as numbers-obsessed writers pass on him.) On a Salt Lake City radio show Monday, Murphy said of Bonds:

"He's deserved all the negative publicity that he's getting. ... You usually get what you deserve. This is what Barry deserves. He's a hard guy to like. He's a hard teammate to have and, you know, he's set a terrible example for our kids. ... The guy would have been one of the great ones anyway ... But now, he sucked the fun and the life right out of it. ... I mean, Hank would have hit 855 if he had the same advantage."

Dale Murphy's a guy who took out a full-page ad in the Atlanta paper when he was traded to Philadelphia to thank fans for their support over the years. He was a milk-and-cookies guy, not a steroids guy. He wouldn't even come out of the showers until the female reporters left the locker room. I've been in these locker rooms with female reporters, and a lot of pro athletes make an extra effort to walk around the female reporters after hitting the showers. (They wouldn't grant me the same access to the Atlanta Falcons' cheerleaders' locker room -- which is blatant sexual discrimination, but that's beside the point, I guess.)

By the way, also neither here nor there, my favorite Murphy story. Coming up as a catcher in the Braves' organization, Murph had a strong arm, maybe too strong. He kept overthrowing second base anytime they tried to steal. One particularly bad day when all his throws sailed way over second base, his dad comforted him by saying: "Don't worry, son, if they had tried to steal center field, you'd have had 'em every time."

Also, I loved the headline in today's New York Post, below:

Used what?

While riding with my son back from Valdosta's Wild Adventures on Sunday, I saw an unusual sign on the side of the road along Georgia Highway 133: "Used Cows For Sale." I've seen plenty of used cars for sale and I recently bought a refurbished laptop computer. But a used cow? Aren't all cows "used" in some way? How was it used? Was it used to make a hamburger or football? Or was it used to make ice cream?

This was just one interesting sight on the stretch of 133 from Albany to Valdosta that I'll write about for Sunday's column. I'd still take I-75 to Valdosta if they'd ever finish repairing it. They've been rebuilding it between Adel and Valdosta almost as long as they've been rebuilding the Atlanta Hawks. But, until they get I-75 fixed, at least Highway 133 is a more scenic, if slightly eccentric route to Valdosta.

Week in Review 17

• The Atlanta Braves trade Jarrod Saltalamacchia and four minor leaguers to the Texas Rangers for first baseman Mark Teixeira and reliever Ron Mahay. Initially thought to be a trade to improve the Braves' chances for the postseason, it is instead revealed to be a cost-saving move in response to the rising expense of jersey letters.
• In other baseball news, America lets out a deafening yawn as Barry Bonds ties Hank Aaron with his 755th career home run. The syringe credited for the home run is immediately delivered to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.
• Two deep-diving Russian mini-submarines descend more than 2 miles under North Pole ice to stake a flag on the ocean floor, part of a quest to bolster Russian claims to much of the Arctic’s oil-and-mineral wealth. Unfortunately for the Russians, they had a huge NASCAR fan driving the sub. He planted a No. 8 flag on the ocean floor, meaning that all oil-and-mineral wealth there now belongs to Dale Earnhardt Jr.
• In more North Pole news, NASA announces it will send a spacecraft to the Martian north pole next month to study if the environment is favorable for primitive life. The three-legged Phoenix Mars Lander will be delivered by eight rocket-fueled flying reindeer.
• Iraq’s parliament adjourns for the whole month of August without passing a series of U.S.-backed draft laws designed to promote national unity and stem support for the Sunni-led insurgency ... or the Shiite-led insurgency ... or the al-Qaida in Iraq-led insurgency ... or the Baghdad Moose Lodge-led insurgency ... or any of the above insurgencies.
• The Iraqi parliament's most recent session was not without its successes, however. Well, one anyway. They voted to replace the Frito's Corn Chips with Tostitos Corn Chips in the parliament building's vending machine.
• At their annual convention to celebrate the Southern Christian Leadership Conference's 50th year, leaders will honor the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr., and the promise of Barack Obama, and they plan to honor and recognize Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, according to SCLC president Charles Steele. Because, really, what better way to invoke the nonviolent spirit of Martin Luther King than with images of mangled, beaten and electrocuted pit bulls?
• In a GOP presidential candidates' debate Sunday, abortion and war dominate the discussion. But only Rep. Ron Paul supports aborting the war.

Braves trade

The Atlanta Braves today traded a player who's name no one can spell for a player who's name no one can pronounce. Oh, well. Looks like a good deal to me, even though we're losing a Scrabble all-star in Saltalamacchia.

Plain ol' water

I just learned that Pepsi's Aquafina bottled water and Coca-Cola's Dasani are made from purified tap water. Perhaps I'd have already known this if I drank the stuff. But with a kitchen faucet and a water fountain at work, I haven't had the urge to part with hard-earned money for water. Besides, I grew up drinking water from an artesian well along a street in Montezuma, Ga., and from garden hoses, and it had no adverse affects on me -- although my son was born with six fingers on each hand. Just kidding ... it's seven.

Now, if I find out they've been getting Diet Dr Pepper out of some faucet somewhere and charging me hundreds of dollars a year for it, then I'm gonna be mad. I'm also gonna find out where they got that faucet and get me one. The heck with tap water. Although, showers might get a bit sticky.

Week in review 16

• Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen is kicked out of the race because of doping allegations, allowing Alberto Contador of Spain to take the win. That is, until test results show that every man in France who wears Speedos is on some sort of steroid, meaning Chester Guillaume, who runs a pedicab service in Paris is declared the new Tour de France champion.
• The U.S. Postal Service announces a new series of stamps honoring various superheroes from Marvel Comics. However, the plan goes awry when 12,000 envolopes bearing the stamp of Invisible Girl Sue Storm go missing.
• Allegations arise that some NASA astronauts have been drinking heavily before embarking upon space missions. Furthermore, a report shows that the massive fuel tank jettisoned each time the shuttle goes into orbit is actually full of gin, not fuel.
• A study shows using marijuana may increase the chance of becoming psychotic by up to 40 percent. The same study also shows using marijuana boosts the chances of buying an extra large bag of Doritos by 40 percent.
• Researchers discover that if your friends and family are fat, you probably will be too. In a related development, Chris Johnson adopts the Olsen twins and announces Calista Flockhart is his new best friend.
• When Oscar the cat curls up on a patient's bed and stays there, the staff knows it's time to call the family. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.
  The feline's accuracy has been observed in 25 cases at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, R.I. Or, it means that a lot of folks in the home are severely allergic to cats.
• Drew Carey is picked to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right" after Carey promises to have himself neutered.
• Lindsay Lohan's latest movie "I Know Who Killed Me" debuts in 9th place at the box office. I think everybody knows who's killing you, Lindsay.
• NBA Commissioner David Stern says he believes that the referee linked to gambling is "an isolated case." Also, the fan linked to actually watching the NBA on television last year is considered to be "an isolated case."
• Wall Street suffers its worst week in nearly four years when the middle class checks its wallets and realizes it has a grand total of $14. Coincidentally, all the wallets checked by the middle class were made in China.

Just me and the Braves

I hit the gym about 11:30 or so tonight and didn't get home until 1:30 a.m. And thanks to extra innings and the fact that they're on the Left Coast, I get to watch my Atlanta Braves play the Giants. Right this second, the Braves are up 7-4 in the 13th, but they're trying to blow it. I'd boo Barry Bonds, but I don't want to wake the wife. Dang! It's 7-5 now and the bases are loaded.

This reminds me of those summer night of my childhood in the '80s when I'd come in tired after playing football or baseball or tromping through the woods and creeks all day and spend the late night and early morning watching the then-lowly Braves. They were in the National League West back then and played a lot more games in L.A., San Fran and San Diego than they do now. Though they Braves were baaaaad, I'd be glued to my 13-inch black-and-white TV. I felt like I was the only person east of the Mississippi watching them. Heck, I might have been. I was definitely the only guy east of the Mississippi watching them and "The Rat Patrol" afterward.

Whew! They just held on to win. Now, if I could just cure this insomnia. Or if TBS would just put "Rat Patrol" back on.

Week in Review 15

• Millions upon millions of kids, teens and adults snatch up the seventh "Potter" book and read it at unpleasantly fast rates to make sure they read the ending before they hear it from someone else. As a result, absolutely no one enjoys the book.
• Spoiler alert: At the end of the book, Harry dies. Or lives. I read it so fast that I didn't catch every little detail.
• Las Vegas oddsmakers give a 1-in-2 chance that Harry dies in book 7.
• A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India. The monkey has directed all question to his lawyer, who is claiming temporary insanity in that his far-sighted client was going bananas over the release of the final "Harry Potter" book.
• President Bush orders changes in the way terror suspects are interrogated. From now on, suspects will be interrogated "Jeopardy" style. For example: Interrogator: In a cave on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Suspect: Where is bin Laden hiding?
• Canadian researchers say they have "solved" the game of checkers, developing a program that can never lose. The program is quickly delivered to all the checkers hot spots: Bill's Barber Shop in Steelwheel, Pa., and Magnolia Old Folks Home in Turnipville, Miss.
• Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards tries to regain his footing as a champion of the poor after it's revealed he gets $400 haircuts. Have you seen this guy's hair? I don't know if I want a guy who pays $400 for $5 haircuts handling our nation's budget.
• On the science and medicine front, Barry Bonds hit career home runs 752 and 753 this week and Dane Michael Rasmussen leads the Tour de France.
• Tammy Faye Messner, who helped fleece millions of PTL suckers out of their hard-earned money in the 1980s, dies at age 65. Revlon, Avon and Mary Kay Cosmetics all file for emergency bankruptcy protection.
• Doctors remove five polyps from President Bush's colon, proving that not all of his enemies can find safe refuge in a cave.

It ain't no Southern thing

Make no mistake about it: I am from the sticks. I grew up in a mostly rural, very poor county of Georgia. We all got free lunches at my school. My hometown had -- and still has -- just one traffic light. I am a Southern boy, and I'll always be a Southern boy. And in my 37 years, all of which I've lived in Georgia (Oglethorpe, Valdosta, Americus and Columbus), I've never known a single person involved in dogfighting. I've never heard of anyone even seeing a dogfight, unless it was the dogs' idea.

So I'm getting a little sick of ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd and others insinuating or outright stating that dogfighting is a "Southern thing." I don't buy that. It's a sick thing. It's an idiot thing. And, allegedly, it's a Michael Vick thing.

It reminds me of the pre-Columbine days when every time there was a shooting at a school or business Down South, people on TV and radio were decrying "the Southern gun culture." Why didn't we hear the term "Northern gun culture" with all the shootings in Colorado, Washington, Pennsylvania, etc.?

I've met some pretty bad dudes here in the South. I've met some violent dudes, folks who wanted to beat up others for recreation. I've met folks who love to shoot guns and blow holes in animals, just for the sake of killing, not for sport. But even the baddest of the bad Southern dudes I've known loved their dogs ... sometimes more than the rest of their family. I've known people who've taken out paid obituaries in the newspaper for their dogs. And that's back home, where we don't think dogs belong in the house or should wear clothes ... and where, coincidentally I'm sure, the dogs act normal.

If anything, the real "Southern thing" may be the way folks Down South love their dogs.

I was a pretty big Mike Vick fan for his first few years in Atlanta and had high hopes for him. But after seeing his actions, his decision making and listening to him speak in interviews, I've got to conclude he's just stupid. And as comedian Ron White points out, "You can't fix stupid." You can't fix it Down South or Up North.

Expensive drinks

Why do soft drinks cost so much these days? Are Coke and Pepsi getting jealous of oil companies' vulgar profits?

During a recent excursion to a chain bar and grill, I paid $2.19 for a Diet Coke. I assume they use the same Diet Coke as Burger King and McDonald's, where I can get it cheaper. Or perhaps the chain bar and grills import their Diet Cokes from far-away lands such as France, Argentina or Atlanta. Can someone please explain the economics of cola?

Week in review 14

• The Tour de Steroids got through its first week in France without anyone in America noticing. Also, the three people pictured here are not the Tour spectators they were alleged to be by cycling authorities. Turns out they were just trying to cross the road and wondering where the heck all those bicycles came from. On a sad note, the boy in the middle was stricken with steroid sickness after getting a whiff of the cyclists as they flew by.
• In yet another blow for infallibility, Pope Benedict announces that there is only one true Christian church and one true path to salvation: the Catholic Church. While disturbing to some Christians, others are delighted to know they can now take Sundays off.
• The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles will settle its clergy abuse cases for at least $600 million. Apparently the path to salvation is paved with legal settlements.
• The pope's comments are met with thousands of death threats and fears of riots and violence ... oops, wait, that was some other group he offended.
• The White House spends the week trying to lower expectations for the Iraq progress report. President Bush also says his policy in Iraq (whatever that might be) needs more time ... based on the history of Islamic militants, perhaps a few centuries.
• Satisfaction with the job Congress is doing has fallen to 24 percent, an 11-point drop since May and 9 points lower than President Bush's approval rating. Wow, and you thought lowering expectations for the Iraq report was difficult!
• Deeper in the poll results, it's found that satisfaction with Satan's job performance is at 38 percent, topping both President Bush and the Congress.
• A Fulton County erosion control inspector admitted on Monday that in exchange for $1,000 in cash and a $100 gift card to Red Lobster, he agreed to get rid of tickets he had issued to a contractor ... proving once again that Red Lobster's cheese biscuits are indeed laced with crack cocaine.
• Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam and Tony the Tiger were murdered this week, and authorities fear they may have a cereal killer on their hands.
• A government study shows the teen birth rate has dropped to a record low. Once again, teenage boys lead the way as not a single one gave birth.
• The NCAA punishes the University of Oklahoma for "failure to monitor" the employment of players and says the school must erase eight football victories from the 2005 season. Also, Oklahoma coaches will not be allowed to demand 110 percent effort from their players in 2007, only 92 percent.
• Cindy Sheehan brings her anti-Bush, anti-war protests to Fort Benning, inflaming the sensitivities in a military town where most folks consider free speech some sort of socialist invention.

You know you're getting old when ...

While sitting in a restaurant the other day where folks can order beer if they so choose, I noticed the sign that informs folks they can't buy beer if they were born after July whatever, 1986.

July 1986. What? You know you're old when people who were BORN when you were in high school are now old enough to buy alcohol. Heck, I'm old enough to have fathered a child old enough to buy alcohol ... providing, of course, that the cute blonde sophomore who sat in front of me in Mrs. Jones' science class would have ever consented to going out with and, subsequently, falling in love with me. The fact that she wouldn't even talk to me put a hurdle in those plans.

A new amendment

I have a proposal for the 28th Amendment to the Constitution. It just came to me today as a thunderstorm began to roll in and envelop the newspaper here downtown:

Anyone who finds himself or herself in the midst of a thunderstorm or steady rain has the inalienable right to take a nap until it passes.

Week in Review 13

• One-time "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken reportedly gets into an altercation with a female passenger on a flight to Tulsa Saturday. However, it turns out he was merely yelling at the mirror.
• NASA has agreed to pay $19 million for a Russian-built toilet system for the international space station. The space agency is now negotiating with France for a $1 million fuzzy seat cover.
• San Francisco science experiment Barry Bonds decides he won't compete in the All-Star Game's Home Run Derby. Because, really, why would the guy who's about to break the all-time home run record want to do something positive for the fans in San Francisco, the only fans who don't boo him ... though they should.
• President Bush commutes the prison sentence of convicted scapegoat Scooter Libby. Democrats cry foul and Republicans cringe, but right-wing talking heads note that in 1995, President Clinton tore the tag off a mattress and wasn't punished.
• Another report comes out that says Americans are amazingly fat. Many Americans see the report while eating Big Macs and french fries at McDonald's.
• In a related story, American Joey Chestnut inhales 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. It brings forth the greatest gush of American pride since man walked on the moon.
• Kidnapped BBC reporter Alan Johnston thanks Hamas for winning his freedom from al-Qaida-inspired militants after 16 weeks of solitary confinement in a dark room, an experience he said was "like being buried alive." Thank goodness for peace-loving, rational groups like Hamas.
• Little Billy Joe Turnipseed of Bibb City is charged with possessing dangerous illegal-in-Georgia fireworks that he purchased in Phenix City. Told by cops to stop using the fireworks before someone got hurt, he gave cops the finger. Police still don't know whose finger it is.
• Evidence that doctors are at the heart of a British terrorist plot has some doctors furious. They argue that any doctors killing people ought to do it the old-fashioned way ... with the help of HMOs and insurance companies.
• America's so-called first "YouTube Election" appears headed in the wrong direction when front-runner Hillary Clinton is supplanted at the top by four fraternity brothers firing bottle rockets from their butts.
• Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney, who rails against the "cesspool" of pornography, is being criticized by social conservatives who argue that he should have tried to halt hardcore hotel movie offerings during his near-decade on the Marriott board. Meanwhile, social liberals also complain, saying those movies are way too expensive.
• Security forces besieging a radical mosque in the Pakistani capital capture its top cleric -- Maulana Abdul "Uncle Milty" Aziz as he tries to sneak out in women's clothes.

Mark Twain

I'm in the middle of Ron Powers' highly acclaimed biography of Mark Twain, who I'm glad to see was a deeply flawed individual. (It gives me hope.) I mean, I knew the dude had issues, but he almost makes me look normal and conformist. Almost. Of course, he also started his writing career as a journalist.

It's amazing how many toes he stepped on, and how that has been forgotten by the general public. If he were doing, writing and saying the same things today, he'd be skewered by right-wing zealots as a godless, anti-American, leftist wacko (as opposed to America's greatest writer). Of course, if he were doing, writing and saying the same things today, he'd be 172 years old, so maybe they'd cut him some slack. But I sure would love to hear his comments on the U.S. government, man's various religions and the education system of today.

I suspect his comments would make me look nicer than Mother Teresa.

Week in Review 12

• After a season of apparent policy slip-ups, Pope Benedict XVI announced Monday that he is shuffling top advisers and bringing in veteran diplomats closely identified with Vatican policy in Iraq and the Middle East. Among those whose duties were shuffled are God, who has been reassigned to a largely ceremonial role as Associate Assistant Vice President for the Development of Papal Input, and Jesus, who will work in the Vatican mail room.
• The bald eagle is taken off the endangered species list. The government, however, insists that the mildly receding hairline eagle remains on the protected list.
• Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and other world players seek a "unified response" to Darfur crisis at a conference in Paris. It is unclear whether this will replace the current "unified response" -- apathy.
• A 15-year-old boy in India who allegedly delivered a baby by Caesarean section in an attempt to set a world record as the youngest surgeon apparently fled as police prepared to arrest him on Tuesday. He gave police at the front door the slip when he left through a window.
• China's Xinhua News Agency says its legislature has approved a contract labor law aimed at improving workers' rights. On behalf of Americans everywhere, let's hope they now have the right not to make total crap that falls apart in three days.
• With parts of Alabama suffering from exceptional drought, Gov. Bob Riley declares June 30-July 7 as "Days of Prayer for Rain" as he wants Alabamians to pool their prayer power to cure the drought. This is the kind of practical leadership folks have been lacking since, oh, the Dark Ages.
• Researchers announce they will visit Michigan's Upper Peninsula next month to search for evidence of the legendary creature known as ''Bigfoot'' or ''Sasquatch.'' Michiganer Michael Moore agrees to film the search for a documentary, being that he's Sasquatch's closest human cousin and all.
• During a speech in Rhode Island, President Bush holds up Israel as a model for Iraq. Well, let's all hope that 60 years from now, like Israelis, Iraqis can live free in a state of perpetual fear of getting blown up.
• In a major blow against terrorism, British authorities thwart a plot to reassemble the Spice Girls.
• The Atlanta Hawks draft Al Horford and Acie Law in the 17th year of their rebuilding plan.
• In Senegal, First lady Laura Bush picks vegetables and hands out mosquito nets to emphasize that fighting AIDS in Africa also means tackling some of the continent's even more widespread afflictions: malnutrition and malaria. Unfortunately, Mrs. Bush's plans go awry when she is arrested for being an undocumented worker.

I'm saying a mouthful

Does this just happen to me?

It seems that every time a waitress comes to my table to ask how my meal is, she chooses the moment when I've just crammed my mouth full of something, more often than not something that takes about five minutes to chew. Now, granted, I don't spend a lot of time with my mouth empty after my meal's arrival, but still. So the conversation goes something like this:

Waitress: How's your meal?

Me: Mmmmh bmmmm hhmmmm ummmm rmmmm hurmmmm. (Which obviously means "Well, if this steak's considered blackened, well I reckon I'm Eddie Murphy.")

Waitress: That's good.

Week in review 11

Honestly, I have no clue what's been going on outside my own little world because I've been on vacation for the past 10 days and eight nights or something like that. I'll assume that the rest of the world went something like this:

• A report came out that showed our economy is super strong and Republicans waved it around.
• A report came out that showed our economy is going to hell in a handbasket and Democrats waved it around.
• A lot of people were killed in God's name because of religious differences.
• A pro athlete who could live the rest of his life in the lap of luxury did something really stupid and put his future in jeopardy.
• Four gazillion people died in West Iran, uh, I mean Iraq, and some one blamed the "liberal" media for overlooking all the positive things that happened this week, such as when an RPG missed 12-year-old Habib by 4 inches while he was running to a beautiful, high-tech, brand new school that will be blown up next week.

Of course, I'm just assuming all that because I was on a round trip around the world, or at least around the little part of it that takes you from Columbus to Eufaula to Panama City to Valdosta to Eufaula again and back to Columbus. Not exactly "Following the Equator," but it'll do. So, here's the Week in Review as I actually experienced it:

• Gas is cheaper in Alabama, Florida and Valdosta than it is in Columbus. Certainly this is simply a product of "economic factors" we non-economic-minded morons can't understand ... such as price gouging and collusion.
• Alligators are attracted to red kayaks. And while most kayaks bop along around 4 mph, they can hit speeds of 35 mph when followed by a 10-foot-plus alligator.
• This kayaker falsely assumed that there is some current on the Chattahoochee River between Hatchechubee and Lakepoint near Eufaula. I was wrong. My calculations for the 2-hour, 16-mile trip were off by two and a half hours.
• I turned 37 in one of my favorite places on Earth. No, not Louie's Gutbuster Buffet. Panama City, Fla., where there's now a high-rise condo complex every 12 inches. But, soon, there also will be a Margaritaville at the new Pier Park. At least I think I turned 37. I know it had a 3 in it.
• The chic way to dispose of your cigarette at the beach is to flick it into the sand. With any luck, you can pollute the air, the land and if the sea comes in enough, the water too. The ultimate redneck triple-whammy. And you thought it was just people in Columbus and Phenix City who are too lazy to use an ashtray.
• People from such far-away lands as Michigan and Minnesota don't understand the whole sunscreen concept ... well, until Day 2 of their Florida vacations anyway.
• Overheard from my exasperated son at Wild Adventures when his dad stopped to talk to a deranged maintenance man: "Oh great! Dad's stopped to talk to a crazy person again!" His dad attracts these people like dog poop attracts flies.
• The portable DVD player is mankind's single greatest invention, something to which parents who take their kids on long trips can attest. Headphones that plug into these DVD players run a close second.
• A discovery: Floating over waves on an inner tube in 95-degree heat is cool. Changing a flat tire in 95-degree heat in Eufaula is hot.
• A discovery you're not allowed to tell my doctor about: Next to Troy's Snack Shack in Montezuma, Ga., the best burger in America can be found at Schooner's in Panama City Beach. But I must say the view of the open-air, beachside restaurant is far better than Troy's.

Week in Review 10

A little early this week, but I've got a busy Friday, so nothing newsworthy is allowed to happen Friday ...

• NASCAR fan favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr., right, joins Hendrick Motorsports, where he'll be teammates with despised racer Jeff Gordon (despised because he's the sport's best and most literate driver). Junior's fans urge him to reconsider and get a more likable teammate, such as David Ragan, Carl Edwards or Satan.
• To repair the space shuttle's damaged thermal blanket, NASA blasts 84-year-old Edith Mae Mygrant and her sewing kit into orbit. Mrs. Mygrant says she can repair the shuttle's blanket and crochet some doilies for the International Space Station.
• Hamas violently wrestles control of the Palestinian government and security forces from Fatah and President Mahmoud Abbas. "The era of justice and Islamic rule has arrived," Hamas spokesman Islam Shahawan said. Boy, nothing's quite so reassuring as knowing "Islamic rule has arrived."
• The U.S. military reveals that it researched the possibility of using a bomb that would have employed hormones to turn opposing forces gay. The plan was dropped after it was tested on Iraq's Republican Guard, which then spontaneously put on a production of "Cats" that garnered rave reviews.
• Country singer Sammy Kershaw announces that he's running for lieutenant governor of Louisiana. Who better to restore dignity to Louisiana politics than someone who's biggest hit was "Queen of My Doublewide Trailer?"
• Twelve viewers tune in across America to watch the San Antonio Spurs sweep the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals. It's the lowest TV ratings for a major sports championship since a couple of weeks ago when the Anaheim Mighty Ducks won the NHL's Stanley Cup on the Home Shopping Network.
• Scientists believe they find the remains of a giant, birdlike dinosaur as tall as the formidable tyrannosaur in China, citing it as a major discovery in evolutionary science. They are forced to retract their statements, however, after realizing what they discovered was actually the result of a Yao Ming parasailing accident.
• A report shows shoppers at Wal-Mart stores are loading carts with merchandise -- flat-screen TVs, DVDs, six packs of beer -- and strolling out without paying. Employees also are helping themselves to goods. Analysts estimate losses due to shoplifting, employee theft, paperwork errors and supplier fraud could total more than $3 billion this year at the world's largest retailer. More amazing is that all the world's Wal-Marts put together could have $3 billion worth of anything.
• "The Sopranos" kind of ends its run on HBO.
  

Guitar man

In case you haven't heard, local guitar maker -- and fixer -- Mac McCormick died Tuesday after a long illness. A lot of folks in the Chattahoochee Valley and beyond play guitars made by the man.

I'm not lucky enough to own one of those guitars, but he did work his magic in repairing my old hand-me-down guitar, which still sounds as good as it did when my dad got it more than 30 years ago. Mac was one of those genuine characters, content to work in a little shop in the back of another business, a glass company the last time I saw him.

He was kind of a gruff fellow. The first time I took my guitar to him and explained the problem, he snatched it out of my hands and acted kind of irritated while he fixed it in a matter of minutes. He was so gruff that I figured it was gonna cost me a bundle and began fumbling for my wallet and checkbook and calculated my life savings in my head. When he shoved it back at me, I asked, "How much?"

"Nuthin'!"

Hey, I'll take gruff and free any day. The guy definitely marched to the beat of a different drummer ... or strummer. He lived life on his own terms, and I can appreciate that. The next time he had to take the darn thing apart and actually accepted a reasonable payment. He made good money from his custom-made guitars, though.

So, bon voyage, Mac. Next Buffett tune I strum on my guitar, I'm dedicating to you. The guitar still sounds great. Considering my talent level, that's quite a compliment.

Baseball gods, please

I'm a very spiritual person, if not a religious one. But right now I've got to have faith in the "baseball gods." They must exist. I believe they're busy punishing the New York Yankees for trying to buy a World Championship. How else can you explain the Red Sox's comeback in the ALCS a couple of years ago? Anyway, baseball gods, if you're listening, grant me this one prayer: Please let Barry Bonds hit his 754th home run, and then never another one. Leave him one short of Hank Aaron for eternity. Amen.

Week in Review 9

• Temporarily, Paris Hilton is released from jail and ordered to spend the remainder of her 45-day sentence under house arrest ... in her posh, 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home because she was refusing to eat or sleep in jail -- or as folks on the outside would term Paris' behavior, acting normal.
• To make room for Paris Hilton's return to jail, a crack-addicted prostitute known only as "Sparkle" from South-Central L.A. is transferred to Paris' posh Hollywood Hills home. Nearby residents express relief that they finally have a neighbor with a real job.
• Boxer Mike Tyson films a segment for a Bollywood musical production. Tyson expresses his wish to star in more Bollywood productions. I don't have a joke for this. Do I need one?
• U.S. scientists will lose much of their ability to monitor global warming from space, a confidential report to the White House warns. Told of the report, President Bush responds, "And what's the bad news?"
• The Sierra Club asks the federal government to ban the toxic chemicals nonylphenol ethoxylates that are found in some detergents. Scientists believe the chemicals can cause male fish to develop female characteristics. They make the conclusion after studying several male largemouth bass crying for no apparent reason.
• After a series of angry exchanges between the U.S. and Russia, President Bush tries to ease tension by stressing "Russia is not going to attack Europe." Bush is so confident of that fact that he wants to build a massive missile defense shield over the whole continent.
• The Space Shuttle Atlantis returns to space, and, naturally, NASA gets busy studying damage to the shuttle's thermal blanket that occurred during liftoff. Tired of being criticized for problems after every liftoff, NASA changes its policy of running the shuttle by Jiffy Lube to prepare for each mission.
• The Project for Excellence in Journalism shows Fox News spent less coverage time on Iraq and far more time on Anna Nicole Smith than its cable news rivals in the first three months of 2007. In all fairness, though, it's hard to tell which story was the bigger disaster.
• Rags to Riches becomes the first filly to win Belmont since 1905. She wins despite being late out of the gates because she was touching up her makeup when the starting bell rang.
• Turns out the 23 nuns of the Salesian Sisters of Mary Immaculate Province in San Antonio are big Spurs fans. They pin players' names on their habits and even pray for the Spurs to win. The Spurs have embraced the nuns and gave four of them seats for the opener of the NBA Finals against the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Spurs beat the Cavs, proving once and for all that when it comes to NBA teams, God does not like the King James Version.

On the water

About 10 years after my first kayaking trip around St. Simons Island, I finally got my very own kayak -- the Blast by Victory, an inexpensive but pretty reliable and stable kayak that tracks pretty darn well for a 9.5-footer. It's my Father's Day and birthday present rolled into one.

I bought it this morning and was on the water at Lake Oliver by 1 p.m. I'd rather paddle around someplace that's more natural with fewer homes on the water. But for purposes of testing the kayak and honing my skills, it's a great spot. It's not too big, not too choppy and there aren't too many Jet Skis zipping around, ruining the peacefulness of the lake.

I didn't mind paying the $2 launch fee at the Lake Oliver Marina, but then I was told that I had to launch it down the rocky concrete boat ramp. You're supposed to launch kayaks from grass or sandy banks so as not to scrape your boat. So I had to pay $2 for the marina to NOT accommodate my boat. If you don't want to accommodate kayaks, fine, but don't take my $2. Do one or the other. "Not my rules; it's the city's," the man at the marina said. Of course my policy on stupid rules is to not enforce them when I'm put in that kind of situation. Just ask the folks at the L-E how I feel about stupid dress codes. They have to keep putting out memos just for me.

And while I don't like paddling around so many homesites, I will say this: All the homes on the lake are well-kept and beautiful, especially the ones where the backyards leading to the lake and docks or boathouses are kept very natural. There's not a single eyesore on the lake, although there are a few ostentatious mansions that detract from the area. Then again, I'm not much for status symbols, nor do I have a pressing need to be noticed. If I could afford a million-dollar home, it would just look like home ... but with a really nice boat house/writing shack.

I'll soon be taking it down the Chattahoochee, on Lake Eufaula, down the Flint and around some bays on the coast. In the meantime, you may see my little red kayak bopping around Lake Oliver. Give me a holler if you see me.

Balls!

I've seen some bad television channels in my day, but whatever channel 3 is on my Knology system takes the cake. It's supposedly news, financial and sports headlines, although the images don't quite match the text.

My wife suckered me tonight by telling me the "ball game" was on. Hoping to find ESPN, ESPN Classic, Fox Sports, ESPNU, ESPN News or the NFL Network on, I instead saw this:

Note the text has nothing to do with sports. It's about a Sacramento man who turned 110 and eats an unhealthy diet. It should be noted that the image doesn't do justice to the excitement of the channel because what you can't tell here is that the football rolls back and forth slightly for a few minutes.

That was followed by the robot. The robot is reading something, but you don't know what because this station has no sound. He seems very serious, even for a robot:

Granted, I've got like 140 other channels, but I think I'm gonna only watch this one until I discover why it's on my TV. I think the robot is speaking only to me. "Chris Johnson, we the robots of the world have appointed you our leader. Now, please go to Station X14 and pull Lever 23 and ask for Hal, who will give you the coordinates for Mission Excalibur. And don't take no wooden nickels."

Real country radio

I grew up a child of baby boomers, and that meant a lot of the music I listened to as a child was stuff like the Beatles, Elvis, the Everly Brothers and even Herman's Hermits. During my teens, I was into Prince, the Beastie Boys, Run-DMC, Keith Sweat and Cameo. It wasn't until college that I finally turned on to country music.

That was about the time Garth Brooks, Clint Black, Travis Tritt and Alan Jackson were beginning to get airplay. I loved Black's "Killin' Time," Brooks' "Much Too Young," Tritt's "Country Club" and Jackson's "Here in the Real World." But soon everybody was into country music, and country began to turn pop-ish and bland. It got to the point where I couldn't listen to mainstream, our-hands-are-tied corporate country radio anymore.

Meanwhile, with the help of digital radio, I began to go back in time and discover REAL country music. Merle Haggard. Hank Snow. Hank Williams. Johnny Cash. Johnny Paycheck. Waylon Jennings. I got the chance to see Haggard in concert at the ol' Silver Moon honky tonk outside Buena Vista. I've interviewed Charlie Daniels, a super nice, down-to-earth guy. I always wanted to interview Hank Jr. The closest I've gotten is to talk to old manager Merle Kilgore, who yelled at me for no reason: "Hank ain't doin' no interviews!" OK.

Problem is, you're rarely going to hear those old guys on corporate-controlled radio stations, whose push to bland-down radio is exactly what's driving interest in digital and satellite radio. I do like a few modern acts. I love Sugarland, mainly because I saw lead singer Jennifer Nettles pay her dues at such places at The Uptown Tap in downtown Columbus, and because she's not ashamed to have a little twang in her voice. I like Brad Paisley's "Alcohol," Craig Morgan's "Redneck Yacht Club," and Kenny Chesney's "Beer in Mexico."

Maybe that's why when I go to Eufaula, as I regularly do during the summer and you can read about in this coming Sunday's column, I always turn the radio dial to 95.5, WTVY out of Dothan, and leave it there. You can barely pick it up in Columbus. But if you go to their Web site, you can click a link and listen to them on the Internet.

Why would you want to? Because you may hear some bland new act like Rascal Flatts, but it might be followed by Haggard's "Mama Tried." Then forward for some Sugarland. Then back a little for early George Strait, maybe "The Fireman." Then way back to "Miller's Cave" by Hank Snow. Then some good recent Tritt stuff like "Modern-Day Bonnie and Clyde." In short, they get it. Their hands obviously aren't tied. Their DJ's sound like real human beings and not overly polished. They sound happy, too -- perhaps because they don't have to listen to Faith Hill, Rascal Flatts and Shania Twain all day.

Now if someone will just take Sunny 100's "all-80s weekend" one step further and make an "all-80s all the time" or even "all 70s and 80s all the time," I'll be happy. Somebody had to have the crazy idea to launch the first oldies station playing 50s and 60s music. Now they're all over the place. Yeah, the 70s and 80s probably are the new oldies, but what do you expect? I'm 36. Bring on the oldies ... and retirement!

Week in review 8

• A Gwinnett County, Ga., mother is taking her quest to keep Harry Potter books out of schools to federal court. Laura Mallory says the books promote witchcraft. (Oh, by the way, they promote reading, too. And since witchcraft isn't real, so what?) The Harry Potter books are chock full of superstition, magic and evil spirits, but actually are going to be taught soon in Muscogee County schools. No, wait, that's not Harry Potter? Oh, yeah, it's the other book full of superstition, magic and evil spirits ... the Bible.
• A 37-year-old woman suffering from an inoperable brain tumor wants to donate a kidney before she dies, and will choose the recipient from among three contestants on Dutch national television. The government says it cannot stop the broadcast. It's obvious the lady doesn't have a heart to give away.
• An auction of Jackson family memorabilia is held in Las Vegas. Most of the collection includes items that belonged to Michael Jackson, such as glittery suits, platinum records, autographed photos and a 12-year-old Guatemalan boy.
• Protests erupt in Venezuela after new-wave dictator Hugo Chavez shuts down a popular anti-Chavez TV station. Some protesters worry that Chavez is gaining too much power, but most are worried they'll be forced to watch horrible shows like "American Idol" or "Who Wants My Kidney?"
• Smoke blankets Columbus. However, authorities discover the smoke did not come from the forest fires on the Georgia-Florida line. The smoke is instead traced to Jimmy Earl Hornsnuckle of Upatoi who can't seem to shake his 12-pack-a-day habit.
• SHANGHAI, China -- China's leaders are trying to calm public concern over sharp price rises for pork, the country's staple meat, ordering local governments to ensure adequate supplies and help low-income families. Fortunately, a deal is worked out after 11-year-old Jamison Stone shoots Hogzilla II, also known as Monster Pig, in Alabama. Stone offers to give the 1,000-pound wild boar to China if China agrees to send America's economy and jobs back.
• Kobe Bryant asked to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers on Wednesday, a day after calling the team's front office ''a mess.'' He said there was nothing the Lakers could do to change his mind, saying he didn't see "how you can rebuild that trust. I just don't know how you can move forward in that type of situation.'' Hmm, maybe the team could rebuild that trust by buying him a big diamond ring.
• The United States and Iran finished in a virtual dead heat, and way down the list, in the Economist magazine's assessment of the peacefulness of 121 countries. The United States placed 96th and Iran came in 97th on the global index. Iraq was in last place, with Sudan and Israel just above. Topping the list are all the countries the United States hasn't tried to force democracy upon.
• SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A pair of wounded humpback whales that spent more than two weeks wandering up the Sacramento River appear to have slipped back into the sea., officials said Wednesday. President Bush hails the whales' turnaround as proof immigration reform is working.
• Peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who lost a son in the Iraq war, announces she's going to quit protesting the war due to the hatred she's gotten from America's peace-haters. And unlike President Bush, she knows a lost cause when she sees one.