Barnes storming outta here

Brad Barnes, a talented pop culture writer here at the paper is moving on to the normal world. His last day at the Ledger-Enquirer is tomorrow. You can read his blog, Barnes Storming, by clicking here.

He's my age and came to the paper not long after I did. I'm starting to feel stranded as dozens of co-workers have come and gone since I started here. There are a few veterans still here and a lot of young journalists. But there aren't many of us still in the middle, straddling that line between idealistic journalist and cynical realist. Think I'm walking that line alone.

Good luck, Brad, in your real job.

Recession? Try depression

In some people's naive eyes, the U.S. economy is "fundamentally strong" (even though there's not one positive aspect of it nor a single driving force out there that could bring it back except for a clean, cheap energy discovery). I'm no economist, but I've got enough common sense to know that neither optimism nor the same ol' same ol' will bring it back. You've got to get off oil, pure and simple, and the rest will follow. Drilling for more will just feed the addiction so that we can keep repeating crises. No thank you. Amazing that the only industry doing will is the one with a finite future. No matter how many places you drill, it remains a finite resource.

Anyway, I was just wondering if we're still building that fence between us and Mexico. If so, we might want to make sure we all have a key in case we all have to go try to find work south of the border. And don't blame Canada if they start building one between us and them.

Tina Fey does Sarah Palin

Wow, after seeing this clip, I'm not sure Tina Fey and Sarah Palin aren't the same person.

Holy crap!

You know, if a suspect in a high-speed car chase crashed into my house and knocked me off the toilet, I just might leave that last part out when police asked where I was at the time.

Yep, this really happened. Click here.

Wanna feel stupid? Check this out!

Have you read about the massive particle collider that's now operational in a tunnel beneath the border of Switzerland and France? The European Organization for Nuclear Research's ongoing project to learn more about the origins of the universe, dark matter and other dimensions could lead to the greatest discoveries since man discovered fire. Critics, however, worry the scientists' project could result in the creation of black holes that could swallow our planet and eventually the rest of the universe.

Does make you wonder if we're on the verge of discovering new dimensions and the origin of the universe, then why can't we find an alternative to oil? These geniuses oughta be able to know that problem out in a week or two. Priorities, people.

Speaking as a guy who's idea of scientific experiments don't go beyond a Mentos and some Diet Coke, I guess I'll just sit back and see how it all plays out. But for the record: Other dimensions, cool. Black holes, uncool. That's all I've got to say about it. Y'all be careful. Here's an excerpt from today's Associated Press article:

Scientists hope to eventually send two beams of protons through two tubes about the width of fire hoses, speeding through a vacuum that is colder and emptier than outer space. The paths of these beams will cross, and a few protons will collide. The collider's two largest detectors — essentially huge digital cameras weighing thousands of tons — are capable of taking millions of snapshots a second.

The CERN experiments could reveal more about "dark matter," antimatter and possibly hidden dimensions of space and time. It could also find evidence of the hypothetical particle — the Higgs boson — which is sometimes called the "God particle" because it is believed to give mass to all other particles, and thus to matter that makes up the universe.

You can read the entire article here. It's also all over the Web.

Scary numbers

I recently read that a Gallup poll found that more than half of Americans believe the right-wing propaganda that Barack Obama "wants to raise your taxes." Well, yes, if you make $227,000 or more, indeed, he wants to raise them, or at least restore them to Clinton-era levels -- you know, back when the economy was strong.

In case you're interested in facts, here are the average numbers on what you'll see from the tax hikes and cuts under the Obama and McCain plans, according to the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center:

Income..............................Obama.....................McCain
$0-$19,000 ..............................$567 less....................$19 less
$19,000-$38,000....................$892 less....................$113 less
$38,000-$66,000....................$1,042 less................$319 less
$66,000-$112,000..................$1,290 less................$1,009 less
$112,000-$227,000................$2,300 less...............$3,200 less
$227,000-more.......................$23,000 more...........$15,000 less

McCain's ads state that Obama want to raise taxes on working class Americans. Apparently McCain considers only the top 5 percent of Americans working class because the bottom 95 percent would see their taxes cut under Obama's plan. However, it should be noted that neither plan is fiscally responsible, because over 10 years, Obama's would increase the national debt by about $3.5 trillion and McCain's by even more than that. So, vote for whom you want and whatever issues concern you, but don't fall for the rhetoric from either side. The whole "tax and spend" label is not only worn out, but it's a lie.

I still think all Gallup polls should come with the following disclaimer: 90 percent of people polled were complete idiots.

A recently updated report of the Tax Policy Center's analysis can be found by clicking here.

Men remain sexist, politically incorrect slime update

Attention all men: Do not notice what Republican vice presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin, R-Alaska, looks like. Do not say that she was only put on the ticket to steal a few whiny disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters or undecided hockey moms. Don't call her more eye candy for Sen. John McCain. And, by all means, do not describe her look as a "sexy librarian" look.

Instead, focus on her policies, assuming someone eventually points them out. Perhaps you should note her vehement opposition to sex education, but don't note the irony that she has an unwed, knocked-up 17-year-old daughter. Or how she doesn't believe in global warming.

I know it's politically correct for me to join the legions of men scared to even talk about Palin around women, but I'm not much for political correctness. She's a good looking lady. Sorry, I've noticed the obvious. I think Sen. Joe Biden will fry her in the VP debate, but I hope she gets more camera time. Sue me.

Is there a double-standard? Perhaps. Then again, I think women talk about men perhaps more than men talk about women. Don't forget there's an Obama Girl out there. Men are visual creatures -- creatures being the key word there. We can't help it; it's in our genes.

Let me just go on the record and say that to combat the double standard, women are allowed to talk about how devastatingly handsome I am when I run for president. Hopefully, women will be able to get over their fashion discrimination by then and elect a president in flip-flops.

Anyway, the more I hear about this, the more I think about my late Grandma Julia, as Christian a woman as you could ever meet. Yet, anytime President Reagan came on the TV, she'd say, "Mmm, mmm, that's a good looking man right there."

"Grandma!"

See this discussion of how Palin's looks are not important and men are still slime on CNN's "Showbiz Tonight."

Let's be friends, just friends

A woman friend randomly asked for my opinion on this question today (I think she was polling): "Do you think a man and a woman can just be friends?"

Talk about your loaded question. The politically correct answer she was looking for was, "Why yes, of course." But I decided since she thinks I'm a moron anyway to just give her the truth. Later, I found these clips from "When Harry Met Sally," a film that explored the whole subject. In these two scenes, Billy Crystal pretty much echoed what I had to say. Even though this is a chick flick, I love this movie. Ironically, based on my views, the last time I saw it all the way through was with a 100 percent platonic female friend. Seriously. Which I guess blows my whole argument. But I'm married, so that doesn't count. Refer to scene two for that question.

Do you agree with Billy/Harry/Me or do you choose to believe the untrue opposite? Check out the clips. The expression on Meg Ryan's face is priceless. I see it a lot.

When you're not, you're not

Jerry Reed died this morning at the age of 71 due to complications from emphysema. He was one of my favorite guys in music, a good ol' Georgia boy who never tried to be more than what he was — in music or in acting. One of my favorite easy songs to strum on the guitar is "The Bandit" from "Smokey and the Bandit," in which he also starred. Stupid movie, yes, but stupid fun. I couldn't play "East Bound and Down" in a million years of guitar lessons. The man was well known as one of the best guitar players in Nashville long before he ever had a hit.

I saw Jerry Reed in concert at the Cherry Blossom Festival in Macon around 1990 or 1991. I was there with my future wife (my current one, in case that's not clear) and a couple of friends. There were several acts on various stages, including the Indigo Girls very nearby ... and act that interested neither I nor, apparently, Jerry Reed. In the middle of his concert, he stopped and asked of the sounds invading his concert area: "What the hell is that?"

Of course, that concert will always be remembered by my wife as the one where I forgot to guard her Port-O-Potty door. Ooops!

You can listen to a good many Jerry Reed songs for free by clicking here.

Football shout-out

My second cousin, Kyle Rowe, made his debut as the starting quarterback for the winningest high school football team in the nation Friday night as Valdosta High School thumped Jenkins 48-7 in their season opener. Kyle completed 14-of-20 passes for 161 yards and four touchdowns. You can read details by clicking here.

Chew, man, chew

This just in from the Mennonite News column by Esther Yoder in my hometown newspaper, the Citizen and Georgian of Montezuma. The alarming second paragraph:

Brady Yoder got a piece of meat stuck in his throat last Friday. It wasn’t choking him, but he just couldn’t swallow anything else either to make it go on down. After several hours, they took him to the hospital in Warner Robins to have it surgically removed. The same thing had happened one other time several years ago and he had it taken care of in Warner Robins also. He is doing fine now.

You can view the entire column by clicking here.

Click here to visit the Citizen and Georgian Web site.

I think we can learn two things from this incident:
1. Brady Yoder needs to chew his meat a little better, and
2. If you ever have meat stuck in your throat, get to Warner Robins as soon as possible.

Noah where to go

In case y'all are interested, I'm building an ark. Sure, it may be merely the remnants of Tropical Storm Fay (apparently to be followed by Gustav), but I'm starting to get worried that God's in an Old Testament kind of mood ... you know where he had immediate buyer's remorse after creating humans and kept smiting them left and right.

I'm having a little trouble finding out whether these two ferrets are one of each sex, though. So, if I screw up, there may not be any ferrets reproducing when the rain stops. But, really, who needs ferrets? It's not like they're critical on the food chain or anything. Well, unless you count the Ferret on a Stick they sell at the Macon County Fair. Mmm.

And where the heck are "cubits" on this darn tape measure?!

What's good for the goose ...

Here's a little post for the ladies. Don't forget that Saturday is "National Topless Protest Day." No, it's not a day to protest folks who go topless. It's a day to protest the inequity that allows men to go topless, but not women. I agree. Totally unfair.

It's sponsored by the Raelian Movement, a bunch of religious nuts who claimed to have cloned a human a few years ago. As if we need more humans. You can learn more about the religion by clicking here. Rael, the leader of the movement, gets messages from God when he goes riding on spaceships, by the way. (Ooops, upon further review, the messages don't come from God but the four-foot tall human-like outer space creatures who created Earth and people and asked Rael to open an embassy on this planet.) I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. These people are serious. Though, I doubt their claim of having cloned a human being because I don't think Rael could clone a piece of paper with a Xerox machine. Seriously, visit the site. Each of man's religions contains its own bit of silliness, but these folks go above and beyond ... literally.

But back to the important point here: boobs. The Raelians do have a point. If men can do it, especially men like the one pictured here, then why can't women? Beats me. So, I figure the least I can do is help them spread their message.

"The 21st century is high time for women to be granted the right to go topless in public, a right American men have been able to enjoy for almost a century in all 50 states," said San Diego resident Nadine Gary, a Raelian guide and one of the event's principal organizers. "To deny American women the right to go topless is not only ridiculous but unconstitutional."

To learn more about Saturday's plans, click here.

Genre buster

When Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" hit radio this year with its catchy sampling from "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Home Alabama," I could have sworn it was a rock song. After all, it was played often on Columbus' Rock 103. But in the past few days I've heard it on Q107.3 (Top 40), Kissin 99.3 (country) and even Sunny 100 (adult contemporary ... think songs like Daniel Powter's godawful "Bad Day"). I'm sure I'll hear it on Georgia Public Radio this weekend, maybe right before "A Prairie Home Companion."

I'm all for busting labels, and I'll be danged if I ever let anyone put me in one of society's confining boxes. But I've had this song on MP3 for a while, plus I heard it at my sister Laurie's luau at least 14 times last month before I had to jump in the pool at 3 a.m. just to get away from it. But I guess that's the sign of a good song -- when they play it 'til you hate it. And I can't begrudge any success that comes to good old-fashioned white trash. Even if he's from Michigan and not the Dirty South.

Then again, the guy did get arrested for fighting outside an Atlanta Waffle House. If that ain't grounds for getting your Southern citizenship, I don't know what is.

Here comes Fay

A quick shout-out to a reader and fellow kayaker and blogger Doug Bennett, who's riding out Hurricane Fay down in Key West -- and, yes, Hurricane Fay is an actual storm and not an exotic entertainer or something down there. Doug has a blog called "This Week On The Island" that you can find by clicking here. I like his recent weather forecast: "Beautiful week followed by a small hurricane." Actually, Hurricane Fay is still Tropical Storm Fay at the moment, but I think the girl has ambition. I'm sure Doug will provide an update on the goings-on down there.

Oldies?

This is getting depressing. First, it was that ancient retired guy Brett Favre returning to the NFL at the ripe old age of 38. Then I had to hear how the oldest member of the U.S. men's swimming team (32-year-old anchor leg swimmer Jason Lezak, pictured here) pretty much saved the 4x100 freestyle relay team's collective butts and Michael Phelps' chances for a record 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics with an unbelievable come-from-behind win on Monday. Then, today, I heard a Prince song ("I Would Die 4 U") on Boomer 95.3, the oldies radio station here.

Now that I'm 38, is this what it's come to? I'm older than 99 percent of the professional athletes and way older than the oldest member of the U.S. men's swim team. (Thank you, Dara Torres, for not making me feel too old.) And, now, they're playing the music from my high school years on the oldies station.

I hope I haven't lost my walker I got after that car wreck eight years ago. Looks like I'd better dust it off.

By the way, if you missed it Monday (Sunday night here), Jason Lezak's anchor leg swim for the gold medal to upset the favored, smack-talking French team was one of the most exciting moments in American Olympic history. You can watch it again by clicking here. If you don't get a chill, you are one cold-blooded American.

Photo of Jason Lezak from http://www.jasonlezak.com/.

The Lin-Yang of life

Remember that cute little girl singing and flying around on wires during the opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics? Me, neither. I watched the sleep-inducing ceremonies for a while and was very impressed with the precision of the performers. It was almost like they were a bunch of communists used to doing as they're told.

Anyway, cute little 9-year-old Lin Miaoke was lip-synching because the real singer, 7-year-old Yang Peiyi, was deemed a little too homely for such a ceremony. Luciano Pavarotti also lip-synched during ceremonies at the 2006 Winter Games in Turin, Italy, but at least he lip-synched to his own voice.

I'm just thankful that America never would have to endure any lip-synching controversy of its own. Thank goodness we have honest, real performers like Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears who can deliver earnest live performances.

You can read the story about cute Lin and homely Yang by clicking here.

Xinhua News Agency photo

Sprewell Bluff

We spent Saturday at Sprewell Bluff, a beautiful stretch of the unspoiled Flint River between Woodland and Thomaston. Well, unspoiled except for a few rednecks who insist upon throwing their cigarette butts on the ground as they do at the beach, too. America's forgiven crime.

But another crime, far worse, looms on the horizon as folks including my congressman Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R) and Rep. Nathan Deal (R) are wanting to dam up parts of the river to feed overgrown Atlanta's thirst for more water and more overgrowing. Rewarding Atlanta's mismanaged sprawl by clogging up rivers for everybody else solves Atlanta's issues as much as drilling for more oil solves America's energy problems -- in both cases, you're just feeding the monster that's about to eat you alive. It's like helping a heroin addict kick the habit by giving them more heroin.

President Carter thwarted a similar plan to dam it up in the 1970s. I'm not sure he'll be as successful this time around, although I'm sure some folks south of Atlanta will have something to say about it. Atlanta's collective butt has been kissed long enough. We can't keep rewarding mismanagement with more opportunity to mismanage. And sometimes the only "smart growth" is no growth. In fact, the only wise way to handle Atlanta's urban sprawl is to go through a period of smart contraction. That's right, shrink. Columbus could stand to do a little of it, too. But the word "growth" sounds so good when you're running for office or trying to make a buck.

But, please, don't dam up places like Sprewell Bluff to punish folks in smaller areas where common sense trumps politics. Don't transform Georgia from the Empire State of the South to the Stopped Up State of the South. And go check out places like Sprewell Bluff, the recently spared Jekyll Island and Georgia's other natural wonders before the state's economic barons and their hos in office get their grubby hands on them. And if you're into adventuring, the Flint has some great paddling in this area, including Class I-III rapids near Sprewell. I'd hate to kiss that goodbye.

A post of Flint Riverkeeper was recently created in the wake of this slap in the face to everyone outside the Atlanta metro area. Mark Woodall is the first Flint Riverkeeper and you'll be able to learn more about the program by clicking here.

As for our day at the bluff, it's always a little painful walking across those rocks in the swift current, but Saylor had a blast bodysurfing in the little bit of whitewater. And I had a blast getting back to nature, even amid the cigarette-littering rednecks. Even saw a guy get baptised Saturday. Good thing he went ahead and took care of that. It could be a lot deeper soon.

WOLVERINES!

This just in: Russia has invaded Georgia. If you don't believe me, you can read about it here.

They tried to warn us about this in the 1980s with the movie "Red Dawn," but we've gotten complacent about the Russians. I've tried to get information from Free America on the radio, but they've taken over the airwaves and filled it with propaganda from John Tesh ... and regular playings of "Sweet Home Alabama" to placate the occupied locals.

Last I heard, they were closing in on Columbus, having already taken over LaGrange, Upatoi, Cusseta (where they were briefly caught in a speedtrap) and Ladonia. So, we seem to be surrounded. I'm going to get my letterman's jacket and a BB gun and head up to Pine Mountain, which I'll use as a base to launch commando attacks on the Russians. Who's with me?!

WOLVERINES!

Paris for president

I'm apparently one of the few who thinks Paris Hilton is NOT hot. Of course, I find natural beauties and women deeper than a thimble attractive, so I guess I kind of march to my own drummer. However, I do like the job she did in this clip, a response to John McCain's camp using her name in likening Barack Obama to a celebrity. If nothing else, it's much better than the lackluster performance in her first straight-to-video effort.

Just wondering ...

If oranges are called oranges, why aren't lemons called yellows?

The final out

Atlanta Braves announcer Skip Caray died in his sleep Sunday at the age of 68. Sometimes funny, often brash and always sarcastic, he provided a lot of the sounds in the background of my childhood memories. He also got me through a lot of nights on the sports desk when I worked at the Valdosta Daily Times. Until then, I'd suffered along with him through a lot of bad Braves games on TBS. But when the Braves got good in 1991, I was stuck at work and had to follow most of their games on the local AM radio station.

I especially loved the way he seemed to think every person who ever called in to the Braves' pregame radio shows were complete idiots. And he made sure a lot of them left feeling that way. You can watch a video about Skip's career here.

And here's a good column about Skip from Ledger-Enquirer sports editor Kevin Price.

We can't help it if we're stinking rich

This just in from the Associated Press:

HOUSTON (AP) — Exxon Mobil Corp. reported second-quarter earnings of $11.68 billion Thursday, the biggest profit from operations ever by any U.S. corporation.

And thanks to our new high-tech wire service here at the newspaper that is so fast it actually delivers tomorrow's news today, here's this soon-to-be breaking news item from Friday:

HOUSTON (AP) — Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally and GM CEO Rick Wagoner were arrested Friday after hiding in shrubbery outside Exxon Mobil's corporate offices and then ambushing and beating the ever-loving crap out of Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson.

Yes, I know Obama's not a Muslim

Thought I'd share this e-mail exchange with a reader over my most recent column:

To: Johnson, Chris - Columbus
Subject: Senator Barack Obama is not a Muslim terrorist

While I'm sure the inherent humor in telling patent falsehoods about a man who stands a very good chance of being the next President of the United States of America is readily apparent to you, it has to this point eluded me. In your (admittedly facetiously-toned) article titled "Andy for President", you referred to John McCain as "a foul-mouthed dude with a bad temper" and Barack Obama as "a Muslim terrorist". While not putting names to either remark, the purpose is clear to even the casual reader.

The problem with these statements is that while McCain can, objectively, be foul-mouthed and possessive of a bad temper, to be a Muslim one must self-identify as such, something that Barack Obama denies. Indeed, if you were to ask Senator Obama what his religious affiliation was, he would respond that he is a Christian. Further, to be a terrorist is to be someone who spreads and uses fear, generally (though not always) in the form of violent action to further a set of goals, generally a political agenda that is not in keeping with the mainstream politics of the area. Barack Obama has never done this, has never been accused of this, and indeed there are no reasons to believe that he may have done so in the past or will do so in the future.

In the future, perhaps basic fact-checking, or a personal desire to avoid the pitfalls of yellow journalism in an otherwise humorous article would befit you. I recommend it highly.

Sincerely,
------
Columbus, GA

On Tue, Jul 29, 2008 at 9:43 PM, Johnson, Chris - Columbus wrote:
Thanks for the clarification, but I assure you it's sarcasm with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Any folks who actually believe Obama is a Muslim or terror conspirator are too stupid to vote. Granted, that's a high number. But I like to poke fun at the ignorant and feed them at the same time.
Thanks,
CJ


Chris,
The misconception is being spread broadly enough that it's getting hard to tell who's been sarcastic and who's being serious. I'm glad to hear that at least my hometown paper is safe. Take care.
- -------

Dear ------
Well, if there weren’t a misconception, there wouldn’t be much of a race. Obama would run away with it. You know, I once ran a farcical column that terrorists had created a bomb that didn’t explode but could knock out service to restaurants in Columbus, causing everyone here to starve to death because no one in this town seems to cook. Some folks believed it. I once had Satan take over my column for the week and explain that he wasn’t nearly as bad as he’s been made out to be and that a lot of stuff blamed on him over the years was not his fault. Some folks believed that, too. As for Obama, right-wingers will keep spreading that propaganda until, indeed, folks have heard it enough that they begin to believe there’s truth in it. I think they call it politics. For further clarification of my views on it, here was my blog reaction to the recent New Yorker cover.

http://blawgwild.blogspot.com/2008/07/kudos-to-new-yorker.html


Listen to Larry

Last week my former boss Larry Foley, the news editor here at the Ledger-Enquirer, called me aside to talk. This is something he does about once every, well, never. Larry may be the most private man in the entire newsroom. So I couldn't imagine what he had to say, but I couldn't have imagined anything much worse. He wrote a column for today's paper about what he told me. Here's the opening:

"You have cancer."

Those were the worst words I thought I would ever hear from the doctor exploring my prostate problems. But a week later, after X-ray bone scans and a CT scan at a hospital, he told me nine words that were much worse, terribly worse, and devastating: "Your cancer has spread. You have an incurable condition."

You can read Larry's entire column here, and if you're a man, pay attention. It's a powerful and an important column. Keep him in your thoughts. And, if nothing else, learn from him.

Photo of Larry Foley by Mike Haskey/Ledger-Enquirer

TitleTown, USA

If you watch ESPN's SportsCenter at 6 p.m. tonight, you'll see Valdosta being handed the title of TitleTown, USA. Having lived there for a couple years in the early ’90s, I can vouch for the championship atmosphere of the town. With Wild Adventures and family still there, including a second cousin who is a senior quarterback for the Valdosta High Wildcats, the winningest high school football team in the nation, I still get there fairly often.

Though I worked for an incredibly stingy newspaper company at the time, I enjoyed living there, and if I could have survived economically, I would have stayed. They sold all their U.S. papers after I left, but the top-tier newspaper companies surprisingly let the Valdosta Daily Times slip through their fingers. It's a great town and, yet, every time I go back I'm stunned by how nice everyone is there from the strangers on the street to all the waitresses with the sugary-sweet Southern drawls.

And if you've never been to a Valdosta High School or Lowndes High football game, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Congrats to all those folks in my old stomping grounds.

Boys will be boys

Click here to read this story about a 5-year-old boy in Texas who wandered out of his daycare and wound up a half-mile away at a Hooters.

I bet this is the kind of kid I would have hung out with in kindergarten. We had a hot kindergarten teacher, Miss Hunt, who had a paddle called "Hot Stick Hunt." Let's just say that being paddled by a hot, young, blonde teacher wasn't exactly a deterrent for my cousin and me. Heck, if there had been a Hooters in Macon County, I'd have never gone to school.


This story just shows that boys' minds are pretty much in the same place from ages 5 to 95, whether they admit it or not. And if America were serious about educating its boys and young men, it would pay Hooters girls to wear multiplication tables on their tight shirts and vocabulary words on their short shorts.

The next president?

I've got an idea of who should be the next president, and the man has never been mentioned before as a possible candidate. He's got integrity. He's got common sense, perhaps because he's from a small town. A very small town. And best of all, he talks like me. I'll write all about it in this Sunday's column. But if you're just chomping at the bit, click here for a hint.

Smokin' oakin'

Want some help getting your kid out of bed for school? Want Hannah Montana's help?

Apparently the girl is really struggling financially because she's willing to call your kid and shake them out of their slumber in the morning. Although, it could be a mere recording. I'll ask her when she calls to wake up my 8-year-old Hannah fan.

It's available through Sept. 15, and it's free. You can get up to five calls per number. Click here for more information.

I wonder who could have called to get me out of bed for school. My parents would likely claim no one could have accomplished that. But in the ’70s, a call from Cheryl Ladd or Farrah Fawcett might have done it. In the ’80s, maybe Catherine Bach or Lisa Bonet. Heck, I'd have settled for a phone call from one of those Macon County High School cheerleaders.

I wonder if I can get Norah Jones to call and sing me awake. Sure would beat the alarm clock.

Who would you want to call to wake you up?

A victory for non-prudes

From the Associated Press:

A federal appeals court on Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS Corp. for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show that ended with Janet Jackson’s breast-baring ‘‘wardrobe malfunction.’’

The three-judge panel of the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Federal Communications Commission ‘‘acted arbitrarily and capriciously’’ in issuing the fine for the fleeting image of nudity. The court found that the FCC deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining indecent broadcast programming only when it was so ‘‘pervasive as to amount to ’shock treatment’ for the audience.’’

‘‘The Commission’s determination that CBS’s broadcast of a nine-sixteenths of one second glimpse of a bare female breast was actionably indecent evidenced the agency’s departure from its prior policy,’’ the court found.

But Tim Winter of the watchdog organization Parents Television Council said the court’s decision ‘‘borders on judicial stupidity.’’ ‘‘If a striptease during the Super Bowl in front of 90 million people — including millions of children — doesn’t fit the parameters of broadcast indecency, then what does?’’ Winter said in a statement.

Nine-sixteenths of a second qualifies as a striptease? I think I'd be asking for my dollar back!

Janet Jackson caricature by Chris Ware/McClatchy Newspapers

Droppin' in on the band

Interesting video clip here of a civilian parachutist crash landing into a military band during a ceremony at Fort Riley, Kan. My Army-employed friend Jenny Peaster pointed it out to me. A couple of people were hurt, including the skydiver. My favorite part of the video is the end, classic TV journalist stuff: "The skydiver was traveling about 50 mph before crash landing and also destroyed two tubas." That sounds like something straight out of Will Ferrell's "Anchorman."

Also, I need to say congratulations to Jenny, who has accepted a new Army job where she'll be able to help make a real difference in people's lives, something she's apparently been pretty good at in other Army-related positions.

I've mentioned Jenny in a couple of columns. When I was a dorky freshman and she was a way-too-cool-for-me sophomore cheerleader in high school, Jenny (then Jenny Jerome) sat in front of me in science class. Thank God for alphabetical seating! Of course, she would torture me by sending notes like, "So, what do freshman boys do on Friday nights?" ... knowing good and well it was to sit at home and dream about pretty cheerleaders.

You can read one of those columns by clicking here and there's a picture of me and Jenny with this post.

Mississippi leads the way!

Woo-hoo! The South brings home the bacon once again, literally, when it comes to being fat. Of course, the Centers for Disease Control considers these rates "conservative" according to the Associated Press because "it’s based on what respondents said about their height and weight. Men commonly overstate their height and women often lowball their weight, health experts say." As a 6-foot-8 male myself, I find that type of generalizing offensive.

These are the 10 states with the highest levels of adult obesity, according to a 2007 survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
1. Mississippi, 32.0 percent
2. Alabama, 30.3
3. Tennessee, 30.1
4. Louisiana, 29.8
5. West Virginia, 29.5
6. Arkansas, 28.7
7. South Carolina, 28.4
8. Georgia, 28.2
9. Oklahoma, 28.1
10. Texas, 28.1

This illustration, by the way, comes courtesy of my friend and co-worker Don Coker, who also did the cover illustration for my first book.

If they can't make it, who can?

I'm so bummed that local Smiths Station gal Ambre Lake and Poison frontman Bret Michaels have split. Lake was the "winner" of the TV show "Rock of Love 2." Now that they've split, this paves way for a third season, this one called "Rock of Love Bus Tour with Bret Michaels." "Rock of Love" is a lot like every other reality show in that it's basically a lot of show for the camera, phony tears and fake love. Like most reality TV, it's pure fantasy.

Basically, Michaels puts women through hoops to test their "love" for him and takes a few for a test drive along the way. Any woman who would allow herself to be test-driven and "fall in love" for the sake of being on camera is of no interest to me.

Although, I do think Ambre Lake was just playing the publicity game, and she's played it well. Still is. It's probably not the last you'll hear of the local gal. Still, it's so sad to see the end of true love (the kind that lasts for weeks) found the good old-fashioned way ... via game show.

You can read more about it by clicking here.

Do they make G-string Depends?

She's got a name straight out of the Department of Redundancy Department, but Tempest Storm just might be my new hero. Tempest Storm is an 80-year-old exotic dancer in Las Vegas. Yes, kids, Great Grandma sheds her girdle for a dollar.

Seriously, I think it's great. I say if you got it, flaunt it. Americans are way too sexually repressed. Could explain a lot of this nation's problems. I'm also proud that Tempest Storm is a Georgia girl. She was born Annie Blanche Banks in Eastman, Ga., less than an hour away from my hometown. And I know when I'm 80, I'll also be running around naked ... although it probably won't be on purpose and people will throw darts instead of dollars.

You can read more about Tempest Storm here.

Ms. Storm has inspired me to take a night job as a stripper. I figure you've got to explore all options in this economy. I've yet to land an actual gig, but I've got the outfit as you can see from my new publicity photo here. If you're interested, call 1-800-555-EWWW.

Kudos to the New Yorker

A whole bunch of folks, including Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama's camp, are upset about the latest cover of the New Yorker. The cover essentially illustrates right-wing nut jobs' unwarranted fears about who Obama really is and what he stands for. I seriously doubt any of these nut jobs have read Obama's actual proposals because more than 90 percent of them would see their taxes cut under Obama's plans. If you make under $250,000 a year, anyway.

But Obama's camp is hyper-sensitive to even satire addressing the myth that he's a closet Muslim. And Republican candidate Sen. John McCain agrees that the cover is inappropriate. I disagree. Thank God for free speech and for the idiots we get to make fun of. The cover is gutsy and brilliant, unlike most politicians. And unlike too many people. And unlike too many publications and media outlets. Click on the image for a larger version.

And click here to visit America's Election Headquarters, Fox News, where the satire is apparently completely lost on the people making comments about the story on their Web site. Their reaction is funnier than the cover itself.

Mickey D's

My McDonald's career is over after one 1-hour shift. Man, you steal a few McNuggets and they just go all crazy on you. Like those people needed 10 McNuggets. Eight was plenty for them.

OK, so I was only behind the counter to encourage folks to donate to the Ronald McDonald House, and I'd say at least 4 out of 5 people did. I didn't check folks' W-2 forms, but I'd also venture to guess that the folks who had the least to give gave the most. And a large group of co-workers and my bosses came in and were quite generous, as well.

I hate when people beg me for money, so I appreciate everyone who let me beg them for money. Also, thanks to the staff at the downtown Columbus McDonalds at Veterans Parkway and 14th Street, especially the front counter gals like LaToya here who had to work around me for a while.

I also want to note that this puts me ahead of two co-workers -- nightlife diva Sonya Sorich and my boss Pork Chop, who were once turned down for jobs at Jack in the Box and Wendy's, respectively. I told Pork Chop she should have worn her hair in pigtails for that interview. I'd have done anything to hear the man say, "Sorry, Miss Chop, but you're just not Wendy's material. But, hey, there's always journalism."

French Fry-day

I knew someday it would come to this, though I didn't think it would happen so soon.

On Friday, July 11, I'll be pulling an 11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. shift at McDonald's, downtown at the corner of Veterans Parkway and 13th Street. They probably won't let me play with the fryer or anything, although I vow to steal a McNugget before the day is done.

Actually, it's "Celebrity Day" at McDonald's I'll be raising money (or trying to) for the Ronald McDonald House, a very worthwhile mission. The House provides a place for out-of-town families to stay when their children are hospitalized. This lets the families focus on what's important instead of the hassle and financial implications of dealing with hotels. In Columbus, the House also has a heck of a well-stocked kitchen where families can fix meals, although a slew of local volunteers come regularly to cook huge meals. I pull a volunteer shift at the front desk of the house every couple of weeks or so. You can learn more about the local Ronald McDonald House by clicking here.

So, drop by McDonald's on Friday, say hi, let us have a little spare change, and maybe I'll let you have a french fry or something.

Name game

Actress Nicole Kidman, wife of country music star Keith Urban, gave birth on Monday to a girl named Sunday. To quote my son Saylor's new favorite saying, "That ain't right." So, a few new rules for naming babies:

• No kids born on Monday may be named Sunday.
• No kids born in winter may be named Summer.
• No kids born to heathens may be named Christian.
• No girl born in May may be named April.
• No boy born into a family with male pattern baldness may be named Harry.

This world's confusing enough as it is. Saylor, by the way, loves the ocean. The name fits. Now if we could just get him a boat. Of course, as the nurse said after he was born at 9 pounds, 10 ounces: "You shouldn't have named him Saylor. You should have named him Cruise Ship."

Happy retirements!

Three of my co-workers in the newsroom have headed out the door for early retirement this week — columnist Kaffie Sledge, writer Mick Walsh and copy editor Jerry Gibson, who have over 100 years of experience between them.

Jerry sits right behind me and Mick sits right in front of me. I'm about to have an awful lot of elbow room. They're three of the nicest folks you'll ever meet, and we'll be sending them off in style in about three weeks.

I work closest with Jerry because we're both in features. Jerry hardly ever misses a day of work and is a huge movie buff. He also has an understated sense of humor and is quick to join me in saying things to make my boss Pork Chop yell, "Inappropriate!"

There was a story about Jerry, Mick and Kaffie's retirements in today's Ledger-Enquirer. Part of it deals with when Jerry lost parts of all 10 fingers after being trapped atop a mountain in a freak snowstorm and saving the life of another man. You can read the story by clicking here.

Good luck, guys.

(Photo of Chuck Williams, Tony Adams and Jerry Gibson by Mike Haskey/Ledger-Enquirer)

Ya can't kill him

Many folks have asked about Steve Atkins — my old friend, high school classmate and even one-time co-worker at the C-Mart grocery store in Oglethorpe, Ga. Steve's a tattoo artist in middle Georgia and about a year and a half ago was in a bad motorcycle accident and then recently underwent major heart surgery.

He's improving, but I'm afraid he's gonna have a heart attack when all the medical bills come in. Although, it's apparent Steve can live through anything, which means the bills will have to be paid eventually. When I was in the hospital for two weeks after a car wreck in 2000, I'd get bills for months from every Dr. Tom, Dick and Harry who walked past my room and said "Hi."

If you want to help, they're using PayPal to collect donations for the medical fund. Go to PayPal and use the reference ID atkinztattoo@aol.com.

I haven't seen Steve in months -- not since this photo was taken in October at the Angel City Fall Rally. Pictured, from left are my "sister" Laurie, Steve and my friend Mary Ellen.