Week in Review 9

• Temporarily, Paris Hilton is released from jail and ordered to spend the remainder of her 45-day sentence under house arrest ... in her posh, 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home because she was refusing to eat or sleep in jail -- or as folks on the outside would term Paris' behavior, acting normal.
• To make room for Paris Hilton's return to jail, a crack-addicted prostitute known only as "Sparkle" from South-Central L.A. is transferred to Paris' posh Hollywood Hills home. Nearby residents express relief that they finally have a neighbor with a real job.
• Boxer Mike Tyson films a segment for a Bollywood musical production. Tyson expresses his wish to star in more Bollywood productions. I don't have a joke for this. Do I need one?
• U.S. scientists will lose much of their ability to monitor global warming from space, a confidential report to the White House warns. Told of the report, President Bush responds, "And what's the bad news?"
• The Sierra Club asks the federal government to ban the toxic chemicals nonylphenol ethoxylates that are found in some detergents. Scientists believe the chemicals can cause male fish to develop female characteristics. They make the conclusion after studying several male largemouth bass crying for no apparent reason.
• After a series of angry exchanges between the U.S. and Russia, President Bush tries to ease tension by stressing "Russia is not going to attack Europe." Bush is so confident of that fact that he wants to build a massive missile defense shield over the whole continent.
• The Space Shuttle Atlantis returns to space, and, naturally, NASA gets busy studying damage to the shuttle's thermal blanket that occurred during liftoff. Tired of being criticized for problems after every liftoff, NASA changes its policy of running the shuttle by Jiffy Lube to prepare for each mission.
• The Project for Excellence in Journalism shows Fox News spent less coverage time on Iraq and far more time on Anna Nicole Smith than its cable news rivals in the first three months of 2007. In all fairness, though, it's hard to tell which story was the bigger disaster.
• Rags to Riches becomes the first filly to win Belmont since 1905. She wins despite being late out of the gates because she was touching up her makeup when the starting bell rang.
• Turns out the 23 nuns of the Salesian Sisters of Mary Immaculate Province in San Antonio are big Spurs fans. They pin players' names on their habits and even pray for the Spurs to win. The Spurs have embraced the nuns and gave four of them seats for the opener of the NBA Finals against the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Spurs beat the Cavs, proving once and for all that when it comes to NBA teams, God does not like the King James Version.